[Becca10]

Hey ladies. I see that i have alot of posts to catch up on. Seems like we all have alot of stuff going on. My recovery is really slow. The tumor they took out wasn't cancerous, thank god. My mom came to help out for a few days last wk and it did not go over well. She is very judgemental and controlling and we've never been close. Then, I asked a friend to help take my mom back to the airport w/me bec I am taking alot of strong meds right now and on the way back, right bef we got to my street she crashed my car into a fire hydrant. It's at least $1000 worth of damage and my deductible is $500. I told her that accidents happen, but I wanted to see if she would pay the deductible. We've been friends/coworkers for 7 yrs, and she said hell no. She said life sucks, and s&*^ happens and deal with it. I could not believe it. So I don't know, I am thinking about taking it to civil court. I dont want tons of money, just the deductible. I am really tight on money right now and i think the right thing to do is do the right thing. If I did someone a favor and it happened to me, I'd do the right thing and pay that person's deductible. Her ins won't take my claim and in the state of VA, its the owner of the car's responsibility or smthg. I am so drained.

I hope to heal up and start trying again in June. I need to get a pt job.

[lilac]

Good luck tomorrow, Angel Michelle!

Becca, I'm so sorry you're having a fraught healing process... I hope it goes better from here on out.

[silverbrumby]

Hello Lasses,

Becca! I am so relieved to hear that the tumour wasn't cancerous, but what a crazy story about the coworker. I live in Virginia and I thought that the law was that the owner of the vehicle is responsible for making sure it is insured but if another driver smashes your car, the claim should go on THEIR insurance not yours (unless they are uninsured). My advice is talk to your insurance agent. If it does fall to your insurance then it seems only fair she pay the deductible since she's the one who bashed up the car. What kind of a person does something like that and then tells you to suck it up???? GEEZ!

ANGEL!!! Welcome back girl! Good to see you and BEST OF LUCK on your IUI tomorrow!!!!

Jen, thanks for your encouraging words. I am hoping that all goes smoothly and that this schedule issue doesn't delay things too badly. I spoke to my boss today and what a JERK! He basically was yanking my chain and hadn't sent the forms in... then he goes "Oh, all you need is the group number"... I'm like "Uh, NO!". I can't get preauthorized if the insurance company does not have me in their systems".

This nonsense, and the week of Murphy's law are really making me nervous. I usually have backup plans for my backup plans. Right now I have virtually NO money in my savings, no health insurance, no safety net. All it would take is this job going bust, or my landlord deciding he is selling the place from under me and wants me out, or one of my horses getting seriously ill and I'd be up a creek without a paddle. I've just been really anxious lately because I feel like my dream is right there just out of reach and I am like Tantalus with the grapes.

Ah well. TOday was supposed to be my appointment but today was ALSO the birthday of one of my oldest and dearest friends. He's one of those guy friends I've had since forever and who I actually dated for a while in college, but we were never serious. He actually said I "wasn't the one" and broke my heart but we never had a break up or anything because we were already good friends before we dated and stayed good friends after. He's the same guy friend who offered to be a donor, but I think he was just doing it to be a gentleman. He's old fashioned and so just the offer was flattering and a shock. I think it was one of those manner things where they offer and you are supposed to thank them but decline so that everyone feels good. I wish I could say yes though because they'd be GORGEOUS kids. LOL! It'd definitely ruin the friendship though, so I can't sacrifice an 18 year long friendship.

Julia, you are so funny, already POAS!! I think I have the opposite situation to you in terms of friends. Mine are all married and have kids. Even the kids want me to be a mum. The older ones know about my plans to go solo and think it's "cool". I should have lots of babysitters.

As to waiting to see what sort of personality the child is before you tell them, I just think that logic is backwards. Part of what builds the child's personality is the way they are raised. I just don't think there is any reason to be dishonest with anyone in my life, especially not my own child. Children sense when things are being omitted or when they're not getting the whole story. Then if they finally do find out the truth, or you tell them after years of not talking about it or letting them believe a lie, they will feel totally betrayed, even question who they are, because you've just told them the foundation of their life was a lie.

I also think that you can't be honest with your child and then not be honest with those around you. I mean, what do you tell their kindergarden teacher when they come home with a homework assignment to make a family tree collage... If it's kept silent, or only known by a few then it is almost as if there is shame in it. Sure, it's noone's business, but we are brave strong women doing something that few would dare. Unlike a lot of parents out there, we are also having children that are planned and wanted. I think the men who donated their seed to help women like us are worth recognizing. We may only have a few kid photos, a profile or two and whatever basic info we can get from a cryobank when the kid turns 18. But I for one plan to have the donor photos out where all can see and let my child know where they came from and more importantly, WHY.

Anyone who doesn't respect that isn't worth your time as a friend. Any family member who'd let their own prejudices and beliefs get in the way of your child's happiness, is not worth having around.

Ok, that's my soap box for the evening.

Hugs to all!

Ona

[Deej]

Happy HumpDay to all! This week is moving so very slow for me... anybody else?
I enjoyed reading all the different opinions on to tell or not to tell, etc. regarding donor dads! Kathryn, I believe you wrote that you had to see a counselor before proceeding? It was recommended to me by the fertility doctor, and I went. The therapist was nice enough, and "specialized" on third party conceptions. I wanted to tell her that there was not even a second party involved! She gave me a list of books regarding how to tell the child. Not even sure I have it anymore. My fertility doc also suggested genetic counseling, but I chose not to go. He was concerned about my half sisters genetic issue, but I am not any more likely to have a child with SMS than the next person, needless to say, I did not go. I can understand the professionals involved wanting us to know all the risks involved...
So, I have a question. April is going to be my month and I want to know what type vitamins those of you ttc are taking. Before I was only taking Folic Acid. Would you all recommend additional?

[Becca10]

Ona, I agree with you. I think being open with your child is the best way to go. It's hard enough having to explain the inevitable SMBC to ppl, as well as to your child, who will most likely have questions as they grow up. I am using an open identity donor, bec after soul searching it, who am I to say that my child shouldn't have the option of seeking out the SD when or after they turn 18? I just don't feel its my choice. Can be a hard decision, tho.

In terms of taking more than prenatal vitamins, can u ask your dr, Deej? Alot of women have diff opinions....so many on here. Let us know what you decide? I'm curious, bec all I've ever taken is the prenatals but if anyone has any good ideas, post 'em!

[Deej]

Originally Posted by Becca10

In terms of taking more than prenatal vitamins, can u ask your dr, Deej? Alot of women have diff opinions....so many on here. Let us know what you decide? I'm curious, bec all I've ever taken is the prenatals but if anyone has any good ideas, post 'em!

I was only taken folic acid pills... no other vitamin. i had asked the fertility coach and she said it was enough, but when you actually get pregnant to take the others?? Who knows, but I would love opinions... You ladies have kept me inspired and I am getting excited to start trying again! So hurry up aunt flow and let the journey pick up with a renewed spirit!

[lilac]

Deej, you are not alone - this week is proceeding so very slowly that I sometimes want to scream. As to the vitamins, I am just taking a prenatal though I made sure it included folic acid. My RE said any standard prenatal would do as long as the folic acid was in there, so that's what I've been doing. Oh goodness and I've just realized I've been taking them for more than a year now. How sad is that? Preparing body for healthy pregnancy, positive thoughts only here! Why don't you ask your doc what he recommends?

[Mindi_IUI]

OMG! AngleMichele! Today is your IUI! How did it go? Did you RE give you positive vibes about it at all? Like, that produced a great egg? I and sending you everything: and last but not least, .

Let us know immediately if you feel any pregger symptons.

Becca, It sounds like you had a tough couple of weeks there. I hope you get well real soon and that all of your baby making organs are in perfect order now to make a baby......Screw that "friend" of yours for her horrible remark about the crash and that "s..t happens". Yes, it does, but that doesn't mean that you should deny your mistakes. Tell her that she could pay you in installments if it is such a bit deal. Personally, I wouldn't call her a friend after that. Considering what you just went through and all the expenses you have with your desire to have a child, she should have written you a check right then and there. Really, tell her off!

Anywho, however you handle this will be the best for you. Don't stress out during this time and just relax and heal.

Julia, acutally I am using an AD, which means he is an Anonymous Donor. However, we do have an option of requesting contacting him through the bank when my child is 18 but there is no guarntee of an answer. My child will obviously know that, but I have no worries that there will even be a request to meet him. More often then not, children who are conceived this way, or are adopted don't seek their bio parents. So, I wouldn't worry about the need to know there bio father so much.

Yes, I am lucky to have a wonderful life with wonderful people who are loving and excepting. I choose to have anything but positive and loving people in my life. Maybe it's the fact that I live in very liberal Los Angeles where celebrities have children out of wedlock of time, as well as children being brought up in single parent homes through all of the divorces here. I wouldn't have any idea how I would feel, or what I would say if I lived in a more conservative community.

DeeDee, I have only been taking a prenatal vitamin for I would say the past 8 months. I thought of adding some other herbal supplements that help with fertilitiy, but since I have never tried to become pregnant I don't even know if I will have a hard time conceiving. I will see what happens after my first IUI. I hate to even write the words "if I don't get pregnant" but it so then I may try some of the herbal supplements that I read about and can get at Whole Foods. However, I'd just say that prenatal vitamins are just perfect.

Jen, looks like me, you and Teri are all on the exact same cycle. Yeah! I am totally pmsing and waiting for AF as well. My RE is out of town until April 9, so I hope it doesn't come until after that. I have to go in on day 2 or 3 again to get some more blood work and see if we are going to do chlomid or not. Do you have to do blood work too?

Anywho, sitting here and waiting for AF is frustrating as I am so excited to allow spermies to actually invade my uterus without worrying about getting pregnant. LOL

Be well ladies.

Mindi

[Mindi_IUI]

Ona, I'm going to have to disagree with you my friend on how much a donor child should know about their donor. I think having a photo sitting out in plain view would only make your child feel like there is an attachment to this man. He is not the childs father in any way shape or form other then an man who made some cash giving away his sperm.

I believe it should be up to the child to ask any question he/she may have regarding this man when they feel it's time. You will be reading books to him/her from birth about how they were concieved so there probably wont even be any curiosity about him. It's like my 5 yr. old nephew who never asked why his Uncle Bruce (my brother-in-law's best friend from college) lives with a man who has an 11 yr. old son. He just knows that that is how it has always been and there is nothing to ask. However, when he is older he may ask and that's when they will teach him about homosexuality. Until then, there is no reason to bring it up.

My best friend adopted a beautiful boy two years ago through an private adoption. The birth mother lived in a hotel close by her for the last month of her pregnancy. My friend got close with her and her 3 yr. old son. She plans to tell her son about where he came from when he asks. Until then, she has many photos of both of them as well as the birth father. She is keeping the in a nice folder for the time that her son asks about them. So, from what I see her situation is the same as mine, except there are two people for him to wonder what they are like.

Look at it this way. If you don't get to have a bio child, will you adopt? And if you do, you certainly won't have photos of that child's parents to put up so why would you do that with a donor?

Anyway, I too have an old boyfriend who offered me his swimmers. We would have produced a gorgeous child together, but he happens to live back East so I had to decline. We would have done it au natural and that would only work if he lived near me so to be available when I O'd.

Well, looks like you need to concentrate on getting your job and finances stable before you even prepare for single motherhood. Trust me, I gave it a whole year to make sure all of that was taken care of before I even made my first RE apt. It all worked out as according to plan. However, it took me until I was 43 to have that stability. I couldn't even have considered SMC with the way I used to live my life as a ski bum and then as a student. Well, it's all about timing and timing is right now.

Ok, done with my soap box. (ode to you)

Mindi

[silverbrumby]

Hi Mindi,

I can see your point but that's not how I plan to do things. I'll take your adoption example and give an example of my own in a similar vein...

My friend adopted a baby from Taiwan. They were VERY fortunate in that the circumstances surrounding their child involved a mother who they were able to meet (not common). THey took photos of their trip to Taiwan, meeting the birth mom, doing the court stuff, going around town and seeing the sites with the baby in tow, and all the airport and trip home stuff...basically a photo journal of the adoption process. They have an album sitting in their coffee table at home called the "Adoption Album" and their daughter, who is now 4 has seen it several times. Every year they celebrate her "adoption day" and part of that celebration is going through the album. She knows the pics of her "birth mom" but does not yet understand what that means fully. Over time she will. I certainly don't plan to have a shrine for my sperm donor but I plan to have a similar album or set of photos that are out for my child to see. I plan to explain the difference between a biodad and a father. I think that the level that this conversation takes is dependent on where the child is but I think the album is also something for family and friends to see so that it is all "out there" in the open. Anyway, that is my plan.

As to my financial stability. I make a good living and can work from home. I have a lovely home. I just am anxious because I've always had a nest egg to act as a safety net. What savings I have left I plan to use for my RE stuff and the swimmers. I think I am a lot more stable financially than some couples, but for me personally I like to have back up plans. I do not think I should postpone things just because I am not living large. I doubt I'll ever have a totally perfect life...there's always something coming along to muck with our plans. The time is now.. Plus, given my cancer history and what that did to my body, there is a good chance I'd have early menopause, so I'm not taking any risks.

Anyway, I totally respect that not everyone is going to approach this situation the same way as I am. There's no right way and wrong way, well... except I'd have to argue that lying to your child is wrong... but how much info you give a child and when and how is an individual decision. :-)

Hope that I was better able to clarify where things stand for me.

Cheers,

Ona

[silverbrumby]

Angel, I hope your IUI went well today! Waiting on the edge of my seat for you!

I'm anxious for you TWWers too.

Prenatals: I take several supplements... mostly OTC stuff from the health food store... my favourite supplement folks are New Chapter. THeir vitamins and things are very high in bioavailability (that is they get absorbed better by the body). I take their "Perfect Prenatal", a mineral/herbal supplement called "Berry Green" and some other stuff to balance metabolism and reduce stress. I also take Omega-3 oils. Flaxseed is my choice right now because I was told that fish oils can sometimes contain mercury. Lastly, I take something called Estrodim. A friend who is a naturopath recommended it. She was told she would "never get pregnant". She was basically not using any protection for 6 years and no pregnancy. She had PCOS and fibroids. She started taking estrodim because it's supposed to help with PCOS symptoms. A month after she started taking this stuff she was pregnant. It basically is just herbals that regulate girlie hormones and even out the cycles. When she got pregnant her doctor (and her) were shocked. That's about it for me. I think I probably take more than is necessary but I'm a whole foods junkie. ;-)

[Deej]

Hello Ladies! Once again, I enjoy hearing all the views on donor pics, tell or not to tell, etc... The conversation about finances and being ready is interesting too! I read a deep SMC argument about a women who wanted to have a child but was partially disabled (mental/ptsd) and would probably not ever hold a full time job. She got blasted for wanting to have a child... It really was intense and made me look at things from ALL views, not just mine. I realized I was a tad more narrow minded than my liberal self thought... As if having a child as a single women is not risque as it is! Who was I to judge? Poor people have children all the time. In my opinion, allowing only those "financially stable" enough to have children is selective reduction. An elitist attitude. I can see how some may feel it is wrong to bring a child into the world, as a single parent, if you KNOW you are going to use public assistance, but the world would be a sad lonely place if all those born to poor parents were never born... So, for those of us ladies out there who are not living the high life or are financially where we "should" be, but know we will be superb mothers - Go For It! I did a reverse of what most people do. I went into a low paying job that would allow for me to make doctor appointments (ie get pregnant) and will be flexible when my baby is born... I work for my mother as a legal assistant although I have a graduate degree and no background in legal assisting! Had I waited until all circumstances were "perfect" I would still be waiting. I do believe that the purpose of this forum is to be non judgemental and totally supportive. We will have enough negative input in the offline world, the least we can do is listen, support, and encourage one another here. So, if someone wants to have a donor photo up in their house after the baby is born, not my business, and better yet, go for it! If another one of us chooses to never tell the child how they were conceived, go for it! We can all read what "studies" show and ask those who have experienced single motherhood what their beliefs are, but we are free to choose whatever route is best for us, at that particular time... Ok, now I will get off my soap box!

[lilac]

Interesting discussion today ladies... like Deej, I love hearing all our different opinions. Sometimes I hear things I hadn't even considered as possibilities, sometimes I am nodding my head in enthusiastic agreement, and many times I'm in wonderment at the wonderful variety among us!

I feel strongly that I will need to tell... but while I will have my donor's picture and have chosen an open id donor so my child can find out more information if they wish, I hope they don't wish to, and I don't intend to show the picture around unless the child asks. Among my family, who know what I am doing, no one has asked about my donor. My mother once asked if I was sticking with the same donor or changing, but they do not ask how I choose or who I've chosen or any details. My point being is that I don't want my donor to be important after I am pregnant or have a child and it's clear the people I care about most are in agreement. This is great for me, but again, for me, not necessarily for any of you ladies.

On the finances... well I think I fall somewhere in the middle. I delayed ttc by several years so I could get into a position that was more financially secure. I know I could wait longer and probably be in an even better place financially, but I've tried to find a balance. While I believe it's true that you never know what you can do until you really try, I feel less anxious knowing that I have a bit of a financial cushion behind me. I have enough now - it's time. Of course 'enough' is different for everyone!

I didn't wait until all circumstances were "perfect", but I did wait until some of the negatives were balanced with positives. If I had waited until everything was "perfect" I'd still be waiting.

That all being said, I do like hearing how the rest of you have decided and chosen and are making your ways through this all. I believe this is a tremendously supportive place and I love all our differences!

[peggysue]

OMG, I am so thick at times. Just wrote a long reply and pressed the wrong Button and its gone.

Ok here we go again

Becca: I'd ring your insurance company and let them know what happened with your friend. Over here I would just claim off my friends insurance. What a B**ch of a friend.

I'm using AD and when the child reaches the age of 18 he/she can by law contact their biological father. All the information is kept on a register. I intend to tell my child as early as possible how they were conceived. There are books which can help with this and there are also books which are easy for the chiuld to understand.

ANGEL: how was the IUI, for the next 2 weeks.

A belated to Julia. How's the 2ww going.


I'm almost t the end of my 2ww. Af is due Tuesday and I'm not very hopeful. Forr starters I'm sure the Nurse didn't do my IUI correctly. I have also got af symptoms. I know that some af symptoms are like pregnancy symptoms but my boobs are getting less and less sore as af day gets closer. During the 2ww I can pass the pencil test and today I can't. Ive also got really realy bad backache and I started with bellyache today. I'm not even foing to waste my money this month buying a HPT. Oh well better start planning for next month.

Better get back to work. Some inconsiderate person is ringing me.

Love to all


Susan