[Bullywrinkles]

Thanks Dre!

I was not given odds of success if we just try natrually. But, my ectopic was on a natural cycle so I am hopeful. Right now I am being treated by my OB since we live in a small town and the nearest RE is 5 hours away. I am already wanting to schedule an appt just in case this cycle and the next don't work out so I can get in without delaying treatment.

It really sucks that IVF is so friggin expensive. Like you need any more stress, so now you have to worry about how to come up with the $ for everything. I will pray hard tonight that everything works out for you.

Yeah, so all the ladies in my clomid club that got pregnant the same time as me are now going in for gender scans. Ugh! It is so hard to not think about how things would be if they would have just worked out. Every milestone you pass without your baby is like picking at that wound again. It hurts. Just know I am thinking of you too.

[futuremom2b]

Lisa ~ Thank you TOO! I'll be thinking about you, please keep this thread going, I want to keep up with you! Beta is this week, I'm not exactly saying when, as when I posted about the MC I was devestated and to have to tell everyone was really hard for me (healing, but hard), I promise to be back on my own time to let you and southhampton know how things go.
Even if it's a BFP, I'm still going to be really nervous about the next BETA and US, as we never got to see the HB so that will be my turning point.... I am praying that this works for us, you are right it's so expensive, and it adds to the weight of the journey! Here's to all of us! I hope this is it for you and we can do this together!

Southhampton ~ ..... I hope that your journey is VERY SHORT too!

[Bullywrinkles]

Dre,

We will welome you back with open arms when you are ready to share any news. In the mean time, I am pulling for you girl! Good luck!

[daisy2006]

I'm hoping everyone gets their !!

Dre----I know what you mean about the due date. I keep thinking about how many weeks I would be right now. I would be due in June (earlier w/ the triplets) and two of my friends at work got pg a month after me, so they are due in July. It is so hard to think about going back to work and seeing them. I am afraid I will always feel like this.

We were told that we can't start trying again for 6 months, which won't be until June/July. That seems so far away!! The odds of us conceiving on our own is slim to none b/c of dh's morphology, but I guess miracles can happen. We can't do another IVF anyway until we save up more money. It does suck that it costs so much. Our insurance does not cover a penny of it and I have maxed out my rx plan for fertility meds, so we will have that added cost. I am so jeaolous of people who can conceive naturally with no fertility problems. I can't help but be angry.

I have my good days and my bad days. Sometimes I just break down and cry out of no where. I wish the pain would go away. I keep thinking about my three little angels and it makes me sad. I never saw them or even know if there are boys or girls. If I really wanted to know I could ask my hubby, but I don't think I am ready.

Sorry this is so long, but I needed to vent.

[Bullywrinkles]

Daisy,
!!!! I wish there was an easier way to get through this. If you want to vent, we are here for you girl!

That really sucks that you have pregnant co-workers. No escaping them. I really hope they are sensitive about what happened. When do you go back?

I pray that time will pass quickly for you and help to heal your wounds. For now I just send another big hug and please know that you are not alone.

[southhampton]

Thank Goodness for you Girls . I just want to thank you Lisa and Dre for your kind words. I know you can understand the feelings having gone through it.

Oh Dre I will be you have a nice strong BETA. I hope the time flies until then for you.

Lisa - I am sending you some . I stopped looking on the other thread for June due dates it just got to be too painful. Happy for them but way to painful.

Daisy- I am so sorry . It is nice to have this group. We will be here for you. 3 of my friends are pregnant - I feel like there are people everywhere.

Samantha

[Bullywrinkles]

Hey Samantha!

Ok so yes. following the June thread was like being a masochist for me. Could not take it anyomore. I am so happy for all the other ladies but enough was enough!

Ok so I cheated today and took a hpt. Still really early. It was neg (no surprise there). I decided to test early because I have to start prometrium as soon as I get a bfp. So, while mentally I don't want to torture myself with the early testing, I felt it would be somewhat irresponsible to not test and be missing out on taking the progesterone. I had some cramping the past few days. Of course it could just be AF getting ready to make her appearance. I had to make a deal with myself that if I poas I was not allowed to obsess about it all day. Just move on. But I do admit, this was one of those post m/c hurdles I knew I had to face. After having a long talk with myself last night I decided that while it is good for me to try and stay positive and strong, it is equally important for me to be sensitive and kind to myself about how difficult these hurdles will be. Just wanted to share. I know you all are facing your hurdles too and it feels better to have that support.

Hope you all have a good day! I am going to attend to some overdue housework in attempt to keep busy. !

[futuremom2b]

I too have some over due house work but couldn't help but post!
Bully ~ I wish you could see those darn two lines, but I an not a big fan of sticks or BETAS anyway! I hope that stick is still wrong. Don't you hate be so darn obsessed with this IF stuff, I do!

Daisy ~ you are so strong on not finding out the sexes of the babies, especially when DH knows. I think I would have broken down already. Do you think naming them would help you to heal?
Before I had my MC my adopted son said mommy that's Jace in there, out of no where and DH and I were in shock. We had never talked about naming any of our kids Jace, so it was strange. I don't know if it was a boy or not as our MC was so early, but I still think it was.

Southhampton ~ It's important for you to know that you feel negative about things right now, and then throw that feeling away and figure out how to start moving forward. Do you and DH have a plan as far as how long to try naturally, IUI's, IVF, adoption? I feel like if I'm not doing some thing up until the time I decide enough is enough, then I'm not doing enough. It's killing me, and I can't wait for the day that I can look back and say "thank God, I'm not in that place anymore"! Still seems far away though!

Girls this wait is really killing me, one second I think it worked and the next I don't think it did.... I think about the MC happening again, and don't even think I'll feel better if the beta is + and is high, you still never know..... ahhhhhhhhhh the first trimester is all harder than even the 2ww isn't it....... What have I got myself into! Please send prayers my way, like you guys we paid out of pocket, and I'm on tons of meds so a bit emotional too!
Thanks for listening!
Glad this is a small group so I don't look like a baby!

[Bullywrinkles]

Hugs Dre!

Its ok to let it all out here. We get it. I'll be for you girl!

[daisy2006]

Lisa, don't let that negative hpt get you down or drive you crazy. I took a hpt the day that I had my beta done and it was negative. The beta was in the hundreds ( I was pg w/ triplets) and the hpt still came up negative for the next two days! I am so glad I did not poas prior to my beta, b/c I would have gone crazy! I also had no symptoms except being very tired. No sore boobs, no nausea, nothing.

Dre, I will so be praying for you and sending good vibes your way. I know how you feel, having so much invested in this. Don't ever feel embarassed about your emotion! Pour your heart out honey! I actually got the chills when you were talking about you son calling the baby Jase. I think kids are so intuative. That really has to give you some comfort. I don't think I am ready right now to know the sexes of the babies or name them. I will eventually want to know and take comfort that my dh knows, but not right now.

Right now, I am having a good day. I feel ok, even good. For some reason today I have faith that I will be pg again and make it through to the end. I dream about bringing home my sweet little baby. That keeps me going.

[WorldsGreatestAunt]

Hey everyone. I hope you don't mind me dropping in on your group here. I've been reading for awhile but didn't have a lot to say. But today I did my last set of IUI's and am already feeling like it might not of worked. I usually am a really optimistic person but after two miscarriages, I'm beginning to lose hope. To make matters worse, I found out today that my brother and his wife have started trying to get pregnant. He is older than me so I guess I should feel like its normal but I am so jealous and now I unfairly feel like its a race. I'm jealous because they get to have that "trying to get pregnant virginity." I'm jealous because they argue all the time and in my mind have no where close to the relationship DH and I have. I feel like its a race because on my husbands side of the family there is already 7 grandkids but on our side there are 0. I feel like its unfair because I know his wife has had 2 abortions before she was married to him. I know it shouldn't matter but I truly think it may kill me if I find out they are pregnant after trying for only a month or so. I feel evil for hoping it takes them awhile so that I have more time. Anyways, thanks for letting me vent and I hope you don't mind me dropping in.

[WorldsGreatestAunt]

OMG I seriously need some support here. My brother just called for the second time today and confessed that his wife actually is pregnant and he was "testing the waters" by telling me they were trying. He then laughed and said that they think they even conceived when they were at my house for Christmas. He joked that maybe it was even on my own kitchen counter. I acted supportive and asked how long they've known and they said three weeks. They wanted to wait to tell anyone until they knew it was "stuck in there." He then proceeded to tell me about how hard its been with her being so sick while they remodel there house. I could hardly muster a sentance. I feel like the pain of the first m/c is back. I feel like this girl that I hate has taken my baby, my chance at real happienes. I know its not fair to feel that way, but i'm so so sad. As soon as we hung up I began bawling and couldn't move. I still can't quit crying. I feel so angry at them. They know everything we have been through. I'm sure they even know that today was our IUI and yet they still told me. I don't think I'm going to be able to be happy for them. I don't think I can bare all of our friends asking me questions about her pregnancy. I can't bare seeing the joy in my parents eyes as they talk about their first grandchild like they were talking about mine before it died. I don't know what to do, I'm so sad. I was supposed to be the one with lots of kids. I was supposed to be happy when my always a bachelor brother finally had a baby. But I'm not. I'm sad that I'm not 7 months pregnant like I should be. I'm sad while i was mourning my second loss, my brother was knocking up the sister and law I do not like in my guestroom. I'm sad that I may always just be the "Worldsgreatestaunt."

[futuremom2b]

Oh Maren, your post is breaking my heart, and I know how heartfelt you are. This is heart breaking news for you. I don't know why God is giveing you this journey in life ~ why any of us have it really (THE IF JOURNEY).
Your brother should have been more sensitive, but remember he's a guy who has never felt the pain of an MC or the pain of IF. People who never had IF just can't understand the hurt and sadness we feel just trying to build our family.
Try and be happy for him. No one should feel the pain and loss of an MC or any thing possibly worse down the line, and God always puts us in challenging situations. We are eaither going into a storm, just coming out of one, or getting ready for one, that's just life. You just don't and can't know what his will be. So bless him.
Can you take some space from him at all, do you both live by each other?
CRY, SCREAM, SHOUT........ It's OK!

NOW back to you, you are always in our little group, I like it here, it's very nice to vent!
*Remember you are in the middle of a cycle and you don't need this stress. Also you have a plan after this if this doesn't work. You are still young (although I'm sure you don't feel like it), and YOU WILL BE A MOTHER ~ I PROMISE YOU THAT.....
How, I just know, I do, I just know you will.

I'm sorry that this happened at the worst timing for you. Life is not a race (although I'm sure you and your brother must be competitive). Again, we all have our own journey, he will have hard times too, they just might be different than yours. YOU WILL BE A MOMMY.

[Bullywrinkles]

Marren,
you totally need them right now! OMG is right! Your reality right now is oh so painful. I am so sorry. It is totally ok to let it out and vent here. Your brother clearly lacks sensitivity and tact about this issue. Unfortunately those that do not struggle with IF or have experienced a M/C (the "others" as I call them) are generally clueless about how upsetting thier "news" is to us and how deeply affected we are by the struggles we have faced. For SIL to have had abortions is a tough thing to swallow. And although it is not a race, you can't help but be reminded of your loss. It is all so unfair. My heart really goes out to you! I will be that you get through this ok and that you get a happy news of your own soon. Have you thought about asking him for some space right now? I don't know if you would feel comfortable telling him just how difficult all this is for you and while you are happy (ok so secretly not) they are expecting you really need them to try and be supportive and sensitive right now. You have been through a lot and I hope you can protect yourself from feeling any more pain then necessary. Especially since you just went through IUI and need to hold on to hope and want to keep the stress down.

If there is anything I can do to help, even if it is just listen. I am here for you.

[Bullywrinkles]

Daisy,

Oh! It makes me so happy to hear hope shine through in your voice again. Yay! I know that some days you will be down. And other days you will be WAY down. But I pray you have those up days too and that they come and stay with you.

I am glad you all are so open and honest with your feelings here. I really support that. Because there are times when we need extra hugs and a shoulder to cry on and times we need encouragement and hope and times when we just want to let it out and times we are excited and need a cheering section. You have it here and I know I have really appreciated all the support you ladies give!

So, I am all over the place today. came last night. I was heartbroken as I was deeply holding on to the possibility we would get lucky this cycle. I noticed a shift when it she came. I went from that hopeful yet "out of control" wait things out and just "be" place to planning out next cycle and feeling "in control" again. I was wide awake a 2 am agonizing over making an appt with my OB to go back on the clomid again for this new cycle or waiting out another cycle and trying natrually again. On one hand, living without meds is nice and after the m/c I am trying to be nice to my body and not prematurely put any added stress on it. But on the other hand as you all know, a cycle feels like FOREVER and if I am going to most likely end up on the meds anyhow so why put myself through the extra mental stress from the waiting with slim chances. I was put on the clomid because they suspected I have a luteal phase defect or low progesterone. Because my 1st pregnancy was on a natural cycle (but was ectopic) I still hold out that maybe they were wrong. Well, this cycle I got the + opk on cd 17 (I use the CBE fertility monitor, so it says O to follow 24-48 hrs after +). Spotting yesterday and AF last night cd 29. That is not very long. Plus I started BBT charting again and I only had 2 "high temps" in my luteal phase.

I am trying so hard to be patient but I also do not want to waste time either. Thoughts?