[southhampton]

Lisa- I know that feeling very well. I am sorry you are having a rough time. It seems that whenever I am trying everyone around me is . And as happy as I might be for them it still hits me like a kick in the stomach. I your day is right around the bend

Samantha

[bitsniu]

Hi all I just wanted to join a group of supportive women to help me through this time of sadness and nerves of starting over. Here is my story in a nutshell, dh and I have been ttc over 2 years. IWth our 1st cycle of IVF w/icsi I found out on 2/2 that I was my hcg was 272 and on 2/5 it went up to 1393! I was so excited! I thought wow I am one of the lucky ones that is able to have a baby on the 1st try. I never thought (call me selfish or nieve) that what I was about to find out would happen to me but it did. Sadly on 2/6 I started to spot and went to the Re where they did an ultrasound, saw the sac (empty but reasured me everything was ok because it was too early to see anythign). I went for bw 2/9 and got the news my hcg went down to 380. The nurse said I am going to miscarry and to call when I get my period. After the RE reviewed my chart the nurse called and said after this period I will need one more and then I can start another cycle end of April. I am going to take this time to continue getting healthy and spending time with the dh. I have to ask though why do they keep telling me "it is a great sign you were able to get pregant"...I cant help thinking why is that a good sign, I mean what is the point of getting pregnant if you cant carry to term, how is that good news????? Sorry for the long book, I will catch up on all the other posts tonight. for all!__________________

[futuremom2b]

Bits ~ Soooooo glad you joined this group, it's a smaller group, but VERY SUPPORTIVE....
!
Like Bully said (if you read it), it's a high price to pay to be here, but at least we have eachother....

Bully ~ I did read, how could I not after you told me not too, I've never been GREAT at following the rules! I do understand though.... That's exactly what happened after my MC.... EVERY WHERE I WENT PEOPLE WERE PREGNANT.... i TOTALLY UNDERSTAND, I PROMISE!

Southhampton ~ I totally want to know what's going on, but have a hard time following you due to you not updating your sig... I'm not updating mine, so just feel free to tell us as often as you can!
You are doing IVF right?

Daisy ~ How are things back at work, now that you've been there a few days? Are people walking on egg shells?

WGA ~ I hope me getting a Didn't scare you away.....
Miss you! I hope you've just been busy!

Bully ~ thank you for starting this thread, I feel safe here and I think others will too!

Oh yeah, and I really like the title too!

[WorldsGreatestAunt]

No Dre you defintily didn't scare me off! I'm actually in a pretty good thread this round for my cycle and its very active and I've been spending most of my time on that side. However, I missed you guys and wanted to check in. I really think you should request another beta to ease your mind. After having a m/c I bet your RE would expect that you might want an additional test. I know you are going to be ok, but you don't need any stress and I'm sure just one more beta would help. You are a grown up and you are the one who pays for the test

Lisa, I know what you mean. I'm fine with the ladies that I "know" through these boards. I guess its because I know what they've been through, their hopes and pitfalls. But the ones who post after like their first IUI on a natural cycle drive me crazy and I know its wrong. I have to be honest and I hope she doesn't read this post, but one lady recently joined a group I'm in that has, let say for the sake of privacy, more kids than Jon & Kate. Now I get that she has struggled too but its so hard to sympathize when all i want is two. In reality my dreams of 2 may be her dreams of 10 so its not fair of me to judge her wants, but its hard not too.

Bits, i'm sorry for you loss! Its amazing how many dreams are born when you find out your pregnant and regardless of when the loss occurs, its extremly difficult. I hope these boards help you find the extra love you need during these difficult times

[Bullywrinkles]

you guys! I felt so bad yesterday and was so worried that Dre would not get what I mean't. It is a relief to see you all understand. Today I have decided to stick with a positive attitude. Its not like the are a finite number of babies to be born each year and just because someone else just got blessed I now will not be. There are more then enough to go around for everyone. Plus, I realized that if I do get my bfp those ladies would be in my support group. I have realized that since our loss I just am a bit more sensitive to things then I was before. And that is ok. But, I can't get too wrapped up in the unfairness of it all. It turns into a downward spiral and I end up having a huge pity party for one. I sometimes forget that others are in different stages of this journey and take it personally when they are not in the same place as me. Anyhow, thanks for listening and allowing me to be free that moment. The green eyed monster is under control ...for now!

WGA,
Yes, those with a herd of children...ummm hard to sympathize sometimes. It is different for everone but come on already. But, I am sure that she feels she has to restain her true feelings sometimes when posting because it is unusual, and that sucks for her in a way too. Why oh why can't we wave our magic wand and everyone get thier wish?

Dre,
You make me laugh! I knew you would read it...Who wouldn't right?! But I was oh so worried I crossed that line. I am glad you know my frustration was totally directed at these "newbies". Mainly because I don't really know thier story or struggles. Once I connect with a person I can't help but want nothing but great things for them. I am sorry if I gave you any doubts. But it seems like you got it. And by the way, how are you doing? I think you should go in for another Beta too. Last time my OB only wanted to do 2 but I came in for the 3rd anyways. I explained that I was anxious and if that simple test put me at ease even for a minute it was worth it. They obliged, and insurance even covered it. So, if it makes you feel better, why not?

Bits,
to our group! Words can't express how sorry I am for what you have gone through. I just hope you are managing to get through this dark time. Our group is small, but we totally understand how painful a loss is. And we are all in different stages of TTC again. Some are still waitng to "get the green light", some are in the process, and one has even become pregnant. We all know how once you were pregnant, miscarriages happen to "other people". And of course the shock and devestation when it happens to you. That is why we are a unique group, still fresh wounds and unfortunately the "pregnancy virginity" is gone. TTC again brings forth some complex and surprising emotions. But, we are here for you and one another as this has been declared a safe place to share your dark moments and struggles as well as your excitement and joy. It is great that you are taking time to get healthy again and connect with DH. After my m/c I bought a new treadmill, and boy has that thing gotten good use. I know I feel so much better on the days I work out and eat right. As far as the nurse saying "at least you can get pregnant", I am not sure what she really means. She may not realize that although she means to be comforting in that statement, you have experinced a great loss. You are heartbroken and a comment like that is really not helpful. Hug to you. I hope you stick around and that we can help you through this time.

BTW, ok so I know I have this bad habit of writing novels here. I am really going to try and keep that under control from now on. Have a great day!

[daisy2006]

Bits ! We are glad you joined our little group. I am so sorry for your loss. I got pg on my first IVF also (w/ triplets) and everyone keeps saying the same thing to me about knowing now that I can get pg. It doesn't help ease the pain you are going through. I think we all know what it's like to have you whole train of thinking an dreaming change in an instant. I am in the same boat as you in regards to trying again. It won't be until about May, and even then we will only be trying naturally. We can't afford another IVF yet. It really sucks.

Dre----I would definitely ask to have another beta done. I freaked out after the first ultrasound when they found nothing. I was told it was too early, but insisted on a beta.

As for work, I went back Monday and it went ok. I am a nurse and work for a large orthopaedic office, so there were ALOT of people who knew. They were extra special nice when they saw me. It was very akward. I basically have been hiding in my office since I got back. I am not ready to go back on the floor working w/ patients. I actually left work today at 11 b/c for some reason I could not stop crying. I had a fight w/ dh last night, didn't sleep, cried myself to sleep, and it seemed to last through the day. I have no idea what is wrong w/ me. I am very depressed today. I think it was triggered by a special I watched last night on multiple births. It really upset me.

I feel like my husband is sick of me crying and getting upset. He was great in the beginning and now I feel like he is getting annoyed. It could be my imagination. I don't think he understands that my hormones are still playing a huge role in my moods and depression.

I just want my life to be back to normal. I want my body back to normal and I want a baby. Not alot to ask for, right?

[futuremom2b]

Daisy ~ your post is heartbreaking... NO what you are asking for is not A LOT. Why were you and DH in a fight. Perhaps when things are better you can sit him down and help him understand that your emotions are still all over the place and to be patient with you. Have you thought about the possibilty of seeing a professional, or doing group healing? My neighbor down the street does it and it seems to help her a TON! She lost her little girl a year ago, at 22 weeks. I just found out today that she has had 3 miscarriages, which was shocking to me because my other neighbor on the other side had 3 miscarriages too.... I hope I stay out of that bunch.
Anyway, Daisy, what you have been through is really hard, and I give you credit for just getting up in the morning. I can't imagine how hard this time is, but I hope to be a small part in helping you move out of this time...

OK I DO WANT ANOTHER BETA, BUT ME AND DH WERE BUGGING MY RE SO MUCH BECAUSE OF THE TSH STUFF THAT I FEEL BAD FOR BUGGING HIM AGAIN.
I HAVE A QUESTION THOUGH ~ WHEN I HAD MY MC LAST TIME, IF I WOULD HAVE HAD A 3RD BETA WOULD I HAVE KNOWN SOONER SOME THING WAS WRONG? WE JUST DIDN'T SEE A HB, SO WOULD YOUR BETA STILL CONTINUE TO GROW? i THINK IT WOULD BECAUSE YOU ARE CONTINUING THE POGEST.
RIGHT?

I'm so glad you welcomed Bits, she really needs our support and I just knew this was where she belonged! Thanks! You guys are the best!

Bully ~ I am not hurt or mad or anything.... I totally get it... I will tell you that IF even after you have your first baby still gets you. TTC #2 is just as sad for me.... I hold Avery tight and wish and pray that I could have another one like her, she is just so amazing.
I get that I am blessed with one, and some times I feel guilty for wanting another child to carry in my tummy.... It's still hard and still sad, to want it so bad and to know that in order to have my dream of building my family i have to pay out of my BUTT to do so! As you get older too, it plays on your emotions. Each year that passes you look at what you don't have and what others do, and you know you shouldn't do that, but it is hard, especially when you would trade your whole world for just one child. I get it, I promise, and I like your books,
SO DON'T STOP WRITING LONG POSTS, like me!

WGA ~ glad you are focused on moving forward, but we are still here for you, so check in on us and PLEASE tell us how you are doing, and where you are at in the process, I think it helps people see others moving forward.

Bits ~ How are you doing today? I did want to remind you that your body does still think it's pregnant so if you have pregnancy symptoms, it's normal and it sucks!

I still have NO symptoms, and I really mean it guys, NONE.........
If I knew that a BETA meant that I would see a HB, I would do it in a second....
THOUGHTS?

[bitsniu]

Daisy---I too watched a Discovery health special on the Bailey (i think that was their name) sextuplets...is this what you watched. I am obsessed with shows that deal with pregnancy, my dh tries to drag me away but I am hooked. I also watched the Dateline interview with the mom from California and I have to say after the show I now hate her (I am not trying to judge) but after the comments she made and her selfish attitude I can not help but be jealous she has 14 children that she can not take care and I am in a stable relationship and all my dh and I want is a baby to make our family complete. Oh how life can be so unfair. I look around at work and see all the children (I am an assistant principal in a school for children with autism and emotional disorders) that parents tend to take for granted. We have students whose parents wont send in pull-ups and who dont regulary bathe them, I get so angry because they do not realize the blessing they have.....enough venting for now thanks all for listening.

[WorldsGreatestAunt]

Lisa, you are so sweet even if you are sometimes a green eyed monster I too like your books, its those inner thoughts that we all share with on another that makes this place so comforting.

Daisy I'm so sorry about your bad day. I completing understand about feelling like your DH is getting tired of the being upset. I was in a funk yesterday, thinking about how life wasn't fair and I couldn't get out of it. I wasn't being very nice to DH. When we went to bed I told him I was sorry that I haven't been the girl he married for about the past 6 months and to please just be patient and don't leave me. He of course laughed, told me I was crazy, and said he never would. Which is nice to hear, but I know that men get joy out of making their wives happy and it tears them apart when they cannot. I've decided that I'm going to try and be more optimistic and try to give him a little more support even though he doesn't ask for it. I know he must be sick of the rollercoaster my emotions have been on.

Dre, a third beta may of told you something was wrong or may not have. Usually by this time there is something slightly "off" that would signify a problem. Either the hcg would not have doubled or the progesterone would of fallen below 15. I really don't think you need another beta myself but if you think knowing that the number is growing, thus meaning the baby is growing, you'd sleep better at night, then go for it. Couldn't the RE just check off the little box when he runs your TSH again?? As for thyroid problems, I have had issues for 7 years. When I was 21 I was hospitilized for Graves disease. They removed my thyroid and now I get my T4 and TSH tested every 6 weeks. Most people only go like twice a year, but mine has only been in range a couple of times so for the last 2 years or so I go alot. Its really frustrating because its such a slow process and can cause major fertility issues if not under control. What are they doing about your issue right now? What meds are you on?

Wow this is long, sorry! As for me I have 6 days left until my beta. While I have every symptom in the book I also realize that progesterone causes the same symptoms so who knows. Regardless of the outcome i will be happy as long as I don't have another m/c. I would rather get a bfn because then I'll start b/c for IVF which is exciting. So no matter how the chips fall, I'll be ok because there is progress (of course a sticky bfp is my first choice). I will admit that I'm getting more anxious that I won't be pregnant by my m/c due date. I would of been due May 1st with my first preg. That day will be really hard regardless but i think being pregnant again would really ease the pain. Have a great weekend ladies!

[Bullywrinkles]

My HSG showed that I either have a bicornute uterus or a septate uterus. Bad news girls. I am so comlpetely sad right now. It was bad enough that I have a luteal phase defect & low progesterone, but now with a uterine abnormality I am not sure what this means for my dream. I go in Monday to discuss with the OB in detail. So, will know more then. But, for now with the research I have done thus far I am feeling discouraged. I am just barely hanging on to my optimism and hope right now. All I wanted was a "everything looks normal". Oh well.

I want to write more about what is going on with all of you but am currently too bummed to continue. But, I am thinking of you all and when I have picked myself back up I will respond.

[futuremom2b]

Originally Posted by Bullywrinkles

My HSG showed that I either have a bicornute uterus or a septate uterus. Bad news girls. I am so comlpetely sad right now. It was bad enough that I have a luteal phase defect & low progesterone, but now with a uterine abnormality

Bully ~ I don't really know what a bicornute uterus or a septate uterus mean. What are stats with getting pregnant with that, do you at least know that?
I also didn't know you ha the other two issues fighting agains you. You must feel VERY FRUSTRATED....... If I don't hear from you I'll try and look it up? You have a meeting w/your OB, do you not work with an RE at all?

WGA ~ OK so I know nothing really about TSH stuff and T4 levels, my first T4 level came back today and is at 1.1 after taking 2 .25 mirograms of my meds, they want me to up the meds to .75. What do you think?
Why is it that as soon as they up'ed my meds, all my pregnancy symptoms that I was having went away....
I know I shouln't be so scared and I know there is NOTHING I can do about it besides move up my apt....
Kind of like a dummy I scheduled my apt at 7 weeks 2 days, should I move it up or just keep it...
I wanted to have a HB or not and know that I wan't too early and have to wait and not know...
That was my thinking? It's so hard.
Another MC would kill me, HONESTLY..... I can't do it again...

South ~ What's going on! What are you thinking and feeling on all your drugs!

Daisy ~ doubt it makes you feel any better, but just in-case, I'm a basket case too, and DH has been so supportive, but I think if I were him, I would try and be gone all the time for the next 2 weeks!
How are things today?

Bits ~ you are in probably the worst place of all of us, so sorry to complain (although you will totally understand when you get pregnant again, which you will).....
When do you leave on your trip, I don't think you ever told me... Timing on your situation could be difficult. Each day fluctuates, and your hormones are still insane as well.

Alright, I'm posting, can't wait to hear from Bully and WGA, can't wait to know about T4 levels... Please share any basics you know?
WGA ~ are you going to POAS?

[WorldsGreatestAunt]

Oh Lisa, I'm sorry that you got more bad news today. Try and keep your head up until you talk to your RE because the internet can be a really bad place full of incorrect information(easier said than done i'm sure.)

Dre, ok I need some more information. Was was your tsh level? What medicine are you on? Did they say if they consider you "hyperthyroid" or "hypothyroid?" Did they refer you to a endocronologist? If you are talking Tsh then they like to see it between 0.5 and 3.0 during pregnancy but mainly want to make sure it never goes above 5. As for your appointment I would keep the date you have to make sure and not unneccesarily scare yourself. I really need you to take a deep breath. Your betas were great. Your progesterones were wonderfully high. You have had a successful pregnancy in the past. One miscarriage adds ZERO risk of having another one. At your stage many women don't have any pregnancy symptoms. I know that the time is dragging by, but please please please take a moment to close your eyes and breath. What were your progesterone when you had the m/c? Were they this high, i doubt it? I really think the best indicator of a successful pregnancy are the first two proges. more than anything and you are in great shape. I'll be waiting for your tsh info and then hopefully I can give you some more insight. Have a great evening!

As for me, I like to pretend that I won't POAS because I don't want to know if I have a chemical pregnancy but the truth is I know I will falter. So Monday I'll be 10dpiui and will probably give it a shot even though its super early

[bitsniu]

Hello all! Thank you for your warm welcomes. I finally got this afternoon, suprisingly I am ok! I think it was a relief she finally came, I feel calm and ready to go again. I go in for blood work monday morning and the nurse said I can start the BCP tuesday since my cycles can fluctuate between 28-35 days. She said if I start the pill I will get a period in 28 days and then we can go again at the end of april. Just a question, my husband has low everythign and is adopted and has no known family medical history, would anyone suggest gentic counseling or testing and who performs these tests and if insurance covers any of it? Also are there any questions I should be asking in this stage of the game, whenever I talk to the office i have no idea what to ask. Hope you all have a great Valentines Day!

[Bullywrinkles]

Ok so I have gathered myself together and am trying my best not to freak out too much.

Dre,
Normal uterus - upside down pear shaped
Bicornuate - heart shaped with deep indentation at top,
Septate - inside of uterus is divided by a wall (septum) that can somtimes extend all the way down to the cervix
I totally had to look this stuff up, the OB could not tell which it was just by the HSG. But I am so worried because according to my research the fetal survial risk for bicornuate is only 55-63%. The risk of late term miscarrige is much higher then in a normal shaped uterus. Preterm labor risk is high due to lack of space and most babies stay in a breech position so C-section is recommended. They also talk about this adding stress to the cervix so many women have a stitch put in for that, and then you go on bed rest. Pregnancies with these uterine abnormalities are classified high risk. I am bummed because I really thought my biggest challenge was just getting pregnant. Now I will be worrying about the high risk stuff and staying pregnant. I guess I had it in my mind that after this last m/c after I see a hb and pass that 1st trimester I will allow myself to relax a bit. Now I am worried I will live in a hyper state of constant stress and worry the whole darn time and that is if I even am LUCKY enough to get pregnant again. Ugh! is right! So far I am being treated by an OB only because we live in a very small town and the nearest RE is 3 hrs away. There are more about 5 hrs from here in either Lincon,NE or Denver, CO. So, my lack of access to medical care is very upsetting. Had I known we were going to have issues I would have started all of this a few years back when we lived in big cities. Oh well, coulda, shoulda, woulda, right!

Ok so about that 3rd beta thing, Mine went up just like it was supposed to, so I don't know if there can really be any true comfort until you see the hb. But, still, if you feel better doing a 3rd why not? I know I will probably do a 3rd if I get preg again. I am so sorry to hear about your missing symptoms right now. I really hope it is nothing to worry about. If it were me I would move the appt up. Will the RE let you come back again around 7w2d just in case it is too early?

WGA,
You are so right, the internet is a scary place with all kinds of evil misinformation lurking around just waiting to scare the poop out of you. I have tried my best to not get too carried away just yet. Mostly I am working on coming up with intelligent questions for the OB on monday.

I will be anxiously awaiting your poas news Monday. It is ok to falter, I think we are all guilty of that. And no matter what turns up we are here for you!

I really like how you described your relationship to DH. I am often so wrapped up in my rollercoaster ride I forget about my DH. Even though he is often right there with me through every twist and turn. It is great that you recognize his needs too and are working on giving him extra lovin'. I will be doing the same. After all, Valentines Day IS tomorrow. What better time then that?

Daisy,
I cried when I read your post. I am so sorry you have been struggling. I just hope you know that I think of you often and pray really hard that your sun will shine again soon. Hugs! I am glad you posted, even when it is a crappy day I am glad we can be here for you.

Bits,
Yay! I am so glad AF came. Usually that is not the case right. But now your body is starting to get back to normal and that is wonderful news. Not really sure about the questions thing. Let me think a bit on that one.


Ok so HA HA apparenly I don't know how NOT to write novels. But I appreciate the support anyhow. Hugs to all!

[southhampton]

Hi Ladies - I am sorry I have been low key. Today I took my last pill thank God!! I can't stand the emotions. I am a nervous wreck the closer I get. I go in for baseline ultrasound on tuesday and will know then when I will start stims. Hopefully will have transfer early March. I can't believe how scared I am.

I hope everyone enjoys their weekend

Samantha