[mom4kitties]

I know I've heard people talk about it before, but this is my first experience with it. I was totally elated this morning to get a BFP on a HPT! I was crying and jumping up and down for about 10 minutes. Then I got scared. Really scared. I've been here before. I felt the pure joy and excitement in April and made plans and then it was taken away from me. It almost crushed me. So now I'm terrified. I so desperately want to feel the unreserved joy that I had the first time around, but I'm afraid to let myself experience that feeling. I know that I just need to relax and trust in God and everything will work out. But do you ladies have any advice? Thanks in advance for your help!

[jencat215]

Amy-unfortunately you may never get that pg innocence back. Pg after loss is very difficult. You are going to worry about everything until you hold your baby in your arms. Just take it day by day. You are pg. The extra anxiety can not be good for you or baby. Try hard to have positive thoughts. Try not to research the hell out of everything and overanalyze every cramp and twinge. If you have a concern, call your Dr. immediately. They understand. Take time for yourself.

You are !!! Remember you have a whole bunch of great women here praying for you to have a happy and healthy 9 months! I know I will feel the same way when I get pg. Remember that you are not alone, and that you WILL have your baby!

[jenedens6102]

Amy, believe me I know exactly what you are feeling. I was pregnant in March and lost the baby just two weeks after finding out. I remember being over the moon and on cloud nine for all of those two weeks just because I was actually pregnant. Against all odds it happened and it happened naturally. But the loss hit me hard and left me with no answers other then it had to be ectopic. We waited the three months as advised and got pregnant again the very first cycle we could try. But I was so scared. Honestly, I'm still scared and I'm almost 18 weeks pregnant. There are some days that you are hit hard with the reality that anything can happen. All I have to offer is to tell you to live each and every day knowing what a blessing it is to be pregnant. That's all I could do. I didn't let myself go in for my first beta until after 5 weeks 1 day because that was when I started spotting with my first pregnancy. I had mini milestones set up and it was my goal to live each day in hopes of making it to this point or that point and beyond. My miscarriage happened at 6 weeks 1 day so I waited to that point too. Then it was getting to the first ultrasound and seeing a heartbeat. Even after seeing the heartbeat I was still scared to death of a missed miscarriage. But in due time the fear starts to take a back seat and you don't think about it as much on a daily basis. Honestly, it was pretty rough during my first trimester trying to battle the fear but once you get to the point where you are starting to feel a few movements a day, even the lightest touch, it's a huge relief! So while I know it's hard to get over the pain of a miscarriage and the fear that it will happen again, know that here and now you are pregnant - so enjoy every day!

[mom4kitties]

Thank you both for your comforting words. I know that this is common for those of us who have been there. It just feels so great to get some support from people who really "get it!" Thanks again!!

[foxxy]

Amy,

I can only imagine your worry, but unfortunately, like Jen had said, it will never go away. I myself have never experienced a loss, but my sister did, and I remember her being terrified with her 2 healthy pregnancies. Even the nurse at my RE's office had a m/c and she told me that she always worried too and would check herself everytime she wiped, but she kept her faith and prayed!

I'm sure you will have a very healthy pregnancy, so enjoy it and relax!!

[jenedens6102]

Amy, that is what we are here for. We each have a story to tell and the journey goes on for each of us. The dream is to have a beautiful and healthy baby, so we keep trucking on until we reach that goal and watch our dreams become reality. I tell you, after our first loss I was so consumed with fear that I was a mess before each appointment. We didn't get to hear the heartbeat until I was 11 weeks and it was the longest 11 weeks of my life. We saw it twice via ultrasound but to hear it brought new life to me. Now I can't wait to hear it each month. To see my baby on Tuesday and see how much he/she has grown and developed, it just amazes me. I never thought I'd be here. You'll be the same way. It's a blessing, a miracle! Don't be afraid to voice your fears. I found it helped me cope and move on. I needed to be lifted up and smacked around again!

To Foxxy's note.....I still check each and every time I wipe. You'd like I was inspecting it with a microscope! I have said for months that if anyone ever saw me they'd think I was crazy. I still check, each time, every single day. Even at almost 18 weeks......

[mmikowski]

Amy, I know excatly how you feel. I am so worried all the time. It doesn't seem fair after all we have been through that we cannot just be excited to be pregnant. I am sure that I will start feeling better after 12 weeks (I think)

I am so glad to hear that other people are doing strange things in the bathroom with the toliet tissue. I thought I was going crazy and I am pretty sure my DH is thinking about calling the nuthouse.

[mom4kitties]

Thanks so much for the support, ladies! It means the world to me!

They finally called with my first beta # and it was 30 at 10dpo. The nurse seemed pleased with that and doesn't want me to come in again to check it until Monday. Does that sound like where it should be? I really am trying to relax, but it's easier said than done!

[jencat215]

Originally Posted by mom4kitties

Thanks so much for the support, ladies! It means the world to me!

They finally called with my first beta # and it was 30 at 10dpo. The nurse seemed pleased with that and doesn't want me to come in again to check it until Monday. Does that sound like where it should be? I really am trying to relax, but it's easier said than done!

Amy-30 at 10dpo is GREAT!!! Just think, at 12dpo it should be about 60, then at 14dpo it should be about 120. That is what seems to be the norm. This is wonderful news. If you look at some of the really high first betas, those girls aren't always getting them at 14dpo. Some are 15, 16, 17, 18 dpo. So their 'high' betas are really just where they should be.

I am glad we can be here to support you. We will be here for every step of your WONDERFUL pregnancy

[wannabigbabybelly]

THANK YOU SOOOOOO MUCH for starting this thread. This is exactly what i needed to hear.

After getting my again this morning, I find myself SCARED to believe it, scared to get to attached to the idea, scared to feel connected to the little one I know I have growing inside me. Scared to wake up from this dream, scared to even believe in it in the first place, scared to think ahead farther than today at this moment. Scared to be crushed, scared to feel that emotional and physical pain, just plain SCARED.

I hate that my INNOCENSE is lost. I hate that I can't have that pure trust and joy that I had with the first one that everything would be fine(and if it wasn't, i was just so happy i was pregnant in the first place, just to know I can get pregnant). But this time i can't bare the thought of another miscarriage. I can't bare the thought that I could have one miscarriage after another after another after another.

It's taken me 9+ years of infertility to get to this point....PLEASE GOD PLEASE....let this be YOUR WILL...PLEASE Bless this baby with a strong and healthy 9 months...PLEASE let him/her make it all the way to my arms, and please allow my prayers and hopes and dreams to finally be realized....PLEASE !!!!

[jenedens6102]

While it will take some time, you will get there. You'll find your peace of mind and be able to enjoy this pregnancy through it all. I too hate that we've lost our innocence but am so pleased to overcome!

[mom4kitties]

The joy is back!! The last time my betas never came close to doubling and I knew I was in trouble from day 1. This time, they're skyrocketing and went up to 343 today!! I know I'll be scared and worried again, but I'm enjoying every second of this feeling. One of the other ladies posted this quote and I love it so much that I added it to my siggy:

"Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle." -Erma Bombeck

Wannabigbabybelly, when did you lose your little one? I think Jen mentioned before that once you pass that milestone with this little one you start to feel a lot better. I hope you can re-claim some of your joy! We're here for you!!

[mmikowski]

It's taken me 9+ years of infertility to get to this point....PLEASE GOD PLEASE....let this be YOUR WILL...PLEASE Bless this baby with a strong and healthy 9 months...PLEASE let him/her make it all the way to my arms, and please allow my prayers and hopes and dreams to finally be realized....PLEASE !! __________________

This is exactly how I feel very well put!!!

[wannabigbabybelly]

My original beta was 123 or somehtign like that which they said was wonderful....by my next beta it had more than doubled. A week later I had my first ultrasound. They only saw a sack and yolk no baby or heartbeat at that time, but they weren't really worried because they said it was still pretty early. A week later I went in and right away saw the baby and heartbeat. We even got to hear it for a second. WOW!!! Was that a miracle....I'll never forget that. They said I was measuring about a week behind....which is why they probably couldn't see the baby or sack the week before...instead of being 6 weeks for the first ultrasound they said I was measuring 5 weeks....and now at 7 weeks I was measuring 6 weeks...they wanted to see me one more time before they released me since the baby was a week behind but we were all very impressed and happy with the progress it had made over that week.

I was supposed to come in at (9 weeks..but to baby that would have been 8 weeks) two weeks later to check on the progress and then to be released to the OBGYN. All my pregnancy symptoms increased during that time and I had NO REASON to believe anything was wrong.

We brought our 4 adopted kiddos in the room with us...so they could see the baby and here it's heartbeat (they were so excited)....only there was no heartbeat anymore and there was no growth since the last ultrasound in fact it had shrunk.

It really came as a shock...I had felt so assured after seeing and hearing the baby's heartbeat....it had grown so much, I couldn't imagine it not making it. It was devestating....but at the same time...i was just so greatful to have had it for even just a short amount of time. I felt so blessed. Yes, there were times of extreme sadness and pain...but for the most part...even now i just feel joy....that I was able to have that experience.

So hopefully I can feel that this time...I think I'm already starting to feel better just talking about it. I'd rather have them and loose them then not ever have them at all. What an incredible journey this is. What an awesome experience.

I can't believe I'm actually pregnant RIGHT NOW. It's truly a miracle....and I'll be so grateful for this experience...regardless of how long it lasts!!! Though I pray it will last forever!!

[jenedens6102]

Set small goals for yourself. That is what I did. I got past the point where I started spotting with my first pregnancy. Wished for my first beta to be higher then my last beta with my first pregnancy. Looked forward to the first ultrasound. And so the list goes on. I cherished each day and didn't allow myself to get too excited about the future until I knew I was in good standing. Each day passed, then a week, then a month and here we are! You can do it too!