[DANIgrl]

You are in my thoughts today...

[jenedens6102]

I'm sorry I missed your post yesterday. But let me say I felt the same way. After our first loss I was so scared and anxious of how this one would work out. Remember at 5 weeks 6 days we saw nothing but a sac and I too remember feeling like this pregnancy wasn't going to make it either. 6 days later we saw the fetal pole and flickering heartbeat. I didn't ask for a read of the bpm, I was just so excited to see the heart beating. So I can't compare those notes with you. But I do know that after so many years and feeling like it would never work each day of a pregnancy, whether it's viable or not, is such a blessing. I'd give anything to not have been so anxious for so long because I missed out on the great joy of this pregnancy. Things were so smooth for me, very little symptoms, that I just felt like I had nothing to gauge on. My husband was so positive and supportive and it helped but I was so afraid of disappointing him yet again. For so long he's been the one who felt broken and unworthy because of his MF but when we lost the first baby that I took on myself, conception happened - the rest is up to God and me! So I know how you are feeling. Even now I still get asked at every family gathering, each week in both Sunday school and church - "How are you feeling, how is the pregnancy going?" So I can understand you feeling like you aren't strong enough sometimes, but know that your strength comes from the Lord. He'll get you through anything. He'll walk with you through the fire and celebrate with you in life. I am thinking of you this morning and praying for your appointment. Keep us posted when you can.

[MaggieMoo]

Good luck Jessica! I am thinking of you today! Hopefully the mean doctor delivers you some good news. Update us when you can.

[piffy]

You are very strong and very brave.

[FurBaby]

Thinking about you today Jessica.

[wannabigbabybelly]

You guys are just so sweet. It's so nice to know I can lean on you all for support. That means so much to me.

Sorry this is going to be a long post...but there's a lot to say and I'm not quite sure how to feel about it all yet.

Well it turned out the nice doctor was on schedule today so that was truly a blessing, in and of itself.

Ok, so here's some catch up info...

6 weeks and 2 days: saw sac and yolk, and possibly a tiny hint of the fetal pole but mean doctor said the sac was larger than what it was supposed to be and he gave little to no hope that the pregnancy would be viable.

7weeks and 2 days: saw nice doctor, we were able to see the fetal pole (.426cm) and were able to see and hear the hb (105bom but it was a little hard to find). he gave us a little hope that things might still be ok...if i ovulated later than we expected, but baby was measuring at 6 weeks.

8weeks and 5 days: saw nice doctor, we now have 2 egg yolks in the same sac, so it's actually identical twins, soemthing that definately was NOT there durign our last ultrasound. It was hard to see but so far they only saw one baby that was measuring only 6weelks and 2 days...like (.455cm or something like that), so not much growth since last time....and they couldn't detect a heartbeat. A couple times both nurses , my husband and the doctor thought they saw it flickering but he could never get it on the screen, even when he used the color imaging that usually detects it. So in the end, based on the fact that they couldn't detect the heartbeat (even though all of them had thought they saw it flicker a couple seperate times), and that the baby should have had a lot more growth within the last 10 days and should have been at least double the size it was...he said he is pretty certian this pregnancy has ended. He spoke of my options, of wither scheduling the D&C or just waiting to let it happen naturally.

I asked a bunch of questions about the fact that the yolk had split and wether it was possible that the twin was just a little behind (since it just split) and wether it had a chance of cathing up, even if the other twin didn't make it. He didn't have any real answers other than, "we should have been able to see a lot more today....and that if the baby doesn't have a heartbeat by 7 weeks than it won't make it". He said that if this had been my first ultrasound than there might still be a chance...but since our last ultrasound showed the baby and the heartbeat...we should have been able to find one today.

So I'm left feeling so confused. Part of me is just so happy and exhilerated....that 1) it's identiacl twins, I have always wanted to have twins so it's like a dream come true and truly a miracle. 2) that at least there was a tiny bit of growth on the baby since last time, even though it's not close to what they were wanting, 3) that everyone in the room (except me..since they didn't have the montor faced towards me till the very end) saw the flicker of what they thoguht was a faint heartbeat on several different occasions. MAYBE it really is there but for some reason they just couldn't get a good shot of it.

Yet at the same time. I do understand the reality of the situation. I understand that the baby is not growing as it should. I understand that they SHOULD HAVE been able to pick up a clear heartbeat on the baby today. I understand that what the doctor is saying is based on his medical knowledge(which he does have a lot of expereince with). I know he is clearly telling me we are about to loose both of these baby's. Which is a lot harder blow knowing that it is indeed 2 babies, what I've always dreamed of...and identical twins at that....that would have been just more than I could have ever asked for.

I'm having a hard time believeing it's all over. That not only will I have to say goodbye to one baby but now it will be two babies. It's like now that I know it's twins i want to fight that much harder to have this miracle come about. I want my babies, I want to see their beautiful faces, and hold them in my arms. I'm not ready to give up on that dream yet. I know miracles can happen and we desperately need not only one but two....so please please please pray for our little ones. they have a lot of catching up to do, but they are fighters and just to know that in 10 days we went from one baby to 2....that is just amazing to me. I don't want that all taken away so soon. We just found out about our precious second baby. We NEED this miracle.

When I was talking to the doctor about the D&C verses the natural miscarriage I told him that I'd rather it happen naturally (mainly because I don't want to give up prematuraly on our little ones....since I pray they still have a chance, even if it's against everything the doctors seen before...they do have a chance). But on the other hand A D&C would be nice, if we KNOW our little ones haven't made it....that way we can find out exactly what went wrong and I would also love to know wether they are girls or boys...just for my own heart.

In the end we decided we'd give it another week or so. if we don't miscarry naturally within that time then we'll come back and have another ultrasound and decide then wether we'll have a D&C or not.

So please....send lots of prayers up to heaven for our little ones...I know that the odds are all against them, and maybe we're holding onto false hope. But I have to believe that there is still a chance. I can't give up hope yet.

[FurBaby]

Oh Jessica,

Lot's of prayers going your way. I pray you get your miracles.

Lots of hugs,

[designdiva32]

Jessica I'll be thinking about you and your little ones this week. You are doing the right thing not giving up, anything can happen, we've all seen little miracles occur on this board before. Its good also to give yourself some time to process all this information, its alot to take in all in one day.

Either way, we're all here for you, some of us having experienced similar things. Thats why you can't give up hope, I would like to think miracles do happen...and I know I could do with seeing one right about now. I think a few of us could.

[DANIgrl]

Wow, what a morning you have had. I wish you the strength you need to get though this difficult week of waiting and courage to accept Gods will...whatever it may be...as well as many thoughts and prayers for a positive outcome for you.

[mmikowski]

Jessica, I will be praying for you and your little ones. Twins would be such a blessing. Don't give up hope yet maybe it is as you said and they are just a little slower growning.

[wannabigbabybelly]

omg- i forgot to mention my legs were shaking so bad (probably just my nerves) but they were shaking so much i was afraid he wouldn't be able to see anything. He was in there for quite some time trying to pinpoint a heartbeat...and the longer we were wating the more and more my legs kept shaking uncontrolably.

I had to ask one of the nurses to put her hand on one of my knees, but even that didn't help.

[jenedens6102]

Oh Jessica, what a morning. Not only did you get to see more but you were left with a confusing appointment. On one hand what joy must have filled your heart to see that you are holding not just one but two precious miracles. At the same time the odds are definitely stacked against them. I'm so sorry. I think your choice to see how things progress in the next week is a good one. Are they continuing to follow your betas? That might be another helpful indicator as to how things are going and if this is viable. I'll continue to be thinking of and praying for you.

[wannabigbabybelly]

No, i asked him about that and he said we didn't need any bloodwork today....they have only done 3 beta's on meat the very beginging...at the ultrasound appointments they have only drawn my progestrone levels but that's it.

We did talk about blood testing to find out if I'm at risk for more miscarriages and he said we could do that today...so they took my blood for a couple of those tests. He said they don't usually do that testing until after someone has 3 miscarriages but he did it early for me...we won't have the results back for a couple weeks though.

[jenedens6102]

Sorry to hear that. I guess since my Ob considered my high risk after my ectopic they wanted to follow me more closely this time. Which is fine, I wouldn't want it any other way. But without those multiple betas with the first pregnancy I wouldn't have known the impending doom of my miscarriage and it could have ended up being far worse then it was. At least watching the numbers helped me to prepare for what was coming.

[jencat215]

Oh Jessica- twins!!! You are doing the right thing. Keep holding on to hope. I'll be praying for you and your little ones!