[wannabigbabybelly]

I'm so afraid to go see my doctor on monday. Scared to know the truth!!! Afraid we will once again hear that terrible news that our baby's heartbeat has stopped beating and that we're about to loose our little one again. I don't want to face that reality again. I'm so scared, sad and I feel like a failure.

My husband is the opposite...he believes with all his heart that our little one will make it. He's constantly saying things about our little one...as if it's healthy and strong and that he can't wait till we can feel it move, or see it for the first time or hold it etc...and I just can't go there. It hurts my heart too much to think that far ahead or even to hear that kind of talk... because it just seems so unattainable. I'm so afraid to believe or have that hope, or to let myself be so volnurable, just to have it all dissapear again right before our eyes. And if our little one doesn't make it again, I'm not sure that my heart can take it. I'm not sure if I can go through this over and over again. I feel like such a failure as a woman, as a wife and even as a mother to my precous little one(s) that didn't make it.

If this pregnancy is like the last, then my little one's heart has already stopped beating and we're about to hear those same dreaded words all over again. I'm so scared. I don't want to say goodbye to yet another precious baby. Another set of hopes and dreams. I can't do it. It's not fair.


OMG...How will I make it through til monday??? How can I put my trust in God that it will all be ok....when I had perfect faith last time and our little one wasn't ok? How can I put my full trust in him...without feeling completely hurt and abandoned if this pregnancy doesn't make it?

URG...I don't want to go....I don't want to hear those words again.

How do you guys do it? I've pretty much remained detached from this pregnancy as much as possible, but now that it's getting closer...and knowing that at this time during our last pregnancy our baby's heartbeat had already stopped beating...I'm just falling to pieces.

I think both mourning our first little ones loss...as well as the thought of lossing this one as well. It's almost more than I can bare. I feel so down.

[sarah16]

Honey, I hope and pray that you are wrong and that your little one's heartbeat is there and strong. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[jencat215]

Jessica-first, you are not a failure. Not as a mother nor as a wife. Look at how many beautiful children you have in your house right now. Look at how many children's lives you touched by being a foster mommy. You are a wonderful person. Far from a failure.

I know you are terrified for Monday but please try to have positive thoughts. It is so important, for your health, and for your baby. I don't know what Monday will bring for you, but I do know that there are hundreds of women out here in cyberland praying hard for you and your little one. You have a huge support system here.

Think good thoughts Jessica. You are a great mom.

[DANIgrl]

Your feelings and fears are understandable, very real, and deserve to be acknowledged. You can't suppress them but you can try to remember what is best for the life inside you at this moment....that is to remain as positive, serene and stress free as possible.
I am just coming off a m/c at 8 weeks and would much rather be where you are now...pg, waiting for 3rd u/s in matter of days! Unless your RE gave you reason to believe there was a problem, please try to remain up and remember to be thankful you to be where you are now in the process! You have to get past this point in order to reach 9mos!
Good luck...Keeping you in thoughts and prayers.

[Andi]

You are in my thoughts and prayers. What time is your appointment tomorrow? How are you feeling about all of this today? For me things that are very emotional will send me on a roller coaster of negative and positive feelings and thoughts. My heart goes out to you.

[HRMS MOM]

jessica, I am so sorry that you have to go through this it is so unfair. I can totally relate to where you are right now. Our idea of what pregnancy is suppose to be like was stolen from us with the miscarriage of our little ones. I am not to far away from the date we lost our last pregnancy and I remember that at 8 weeks and 3 days with this pregnancy I was walking on egg shells waiting for the other shoe to drop. I actually started to spot which freaked me right out. I went in to the doctors for an ultrasound to check and everything was fine. I have an ob appointment in 2 weeks and I cannot wait to make sure everything is still going alright. I also understand what you mean when you say that you are having a hard time trusting in God I have felt the same way many times in the last couple of years but I truely believe he is watching out for us. I will be praying that everthing is fine with your little one.

[mrsjanowski]

When you lost your little ones before, it was not your fault. Remember they are now in God's hands, and if he had to take them away then it was for the better. I am so sorry that you ever had to go through that, I can see why you would be so terrified to have to hear it again. I can only say that I hope you find the courage to get through today and the rest of Monday before your appointment so that it can be relaxing to once again be able to see your beautiful baby's heartbeat. I will say some prayers for you and your family... I wish you the best of luck at your appointment tomm and please let us know how it goes.

Good luck & God Bless.

[jenedens6102]

Honey, I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. But I can completely relate. It's difficult being optimistic after a loss, you want to keep yourself guarded as to not get your hopes up. However, we can't live in the past and miss out on the future. Until you have cause to believe otherwise enjoy this pregnancy and look forward to the hope of the future with this child.

[dndtaylor]

My heart and prayers are with you and your family as your pregnancy and baby continue to grow. I wish you nothing but pure positive thoughts, even though I'm sure it is really hard right now. Keep trusting your faith, never give up. Best of luck at your appointment tomorrow, we will all be thinking of you.

I agree with Jen, you are so not a failure. Look at home much of a positive role model and strong women you have been for so many. Please know that you ARE a great mother and women.

[wannabigbabybelly]

Thank you guys for your prayers and support.

I'm feeling a little better today. Well, kinda. I've pretty much taken the day off. Hiding out I guess. I just wasn't feeling very well, woke up with a stuffy head and tummy feeling icky. So I just took it easy. I really didn't want to run into people at church and have them ask me how things are going with our pregnancy. They are sweet dear friends...but I just knew I'd break into tears if they got me talking and I wasn't prepared for that, I just don't have the strength...to be strong for anyone else...I'm trying my best just to keep myself together.

For those who asked...we do have reason to be concerned. Our first ultrasound we went to at 6 weeks only showed a sac and yolk and possibly a hint of the fetal pole. The doctor was expecting to see the fetal pole and heartbeat. He was also very concerned about the size of the sac...he said that in most cases when the sac is that size it means the pregnancy won't be viable, that along with the fact that we didn't see the baby or heartbeat yet and we should have been able to see it at 6 weeks. He said he wasn't holding out much hope, if any for this pregnancy.

I was devestated to hear that news at the time...but also angry with him...I've had bad experiences with him in the past where I've noticed he's been quite negative and he seemed to give up so easily on stuff....I'd always leave my appointments with him feeling hopless, like nothing was going to work for us. So instead of really believing him, I guess I just got angry with him and wanted to prove him wrong. But deep down his words did seem to have some truth to them...since that was the same things we saw with our last baby...and it didn't make it.

When we went for our 2nd ultrasound at 7 weeks we saw the baby and the heartbeat (105bpm). This time it was a different doctor and his personality is much more friendly and hopeful. He said the baby was measuring a week behind (which is the same thing our first baby was doing....only with our first little one it had a stronger heartbeat at 125bpm). But we'd have to see him again in another 2 weeks just to make sure everything was still fine before he'd discharge me to the OBGYN. But when we went in at 9 weeks for our next ultrasound we found out the baby no longer had a heartbeat and had likely died shortly after our last ultrasound 2 weeks before. I had no idea we'd get that kind of news that day. All my pregnancy symptoms during that time seemed to be increasing and I was so confident that our baby would be just fine since it had a good strong heartbeat. But it wasn't.

Honestly, I don't know what that means for this pregnancy. If I listen to the first doctor... then our little one really doesn't have a chance and it will be a repeat of last time. If I listen to the other doctor...then our little one might have a chance but it's just a wait and see kinda thing. If I listen to my heart....I know God is really the one in control..I know he can perform miracles and if our little one is supposed to make it...I know it will. I know I'll make it through...believing and trusting that he knows more than I do and he has a plan for us and our little ones...I know he loves me and would love to give me my hearts desire....when the time (his time) is right. But that won't take away the pain I'll feel from loosing this little one... if that's what i have to do in the end.

I think what hurts most of all is knowing my husband is so certian and has so much faith that it's gonna be ok.....I'm so afraid of dissapointing him tomorrow and having him heartbroken...hurt....angry at God...maybe even angry or dissapointed in me. (I know he won't be angry with me..I know that's only in my head....but I guess I'm just worried that I'd be angry with myself...feeling like I'm broken,unworthy, undeserving,etc... that once again I've failed him.

I hope and pray we hear good news tomorrow, to let my heart know everything IS going to be ok and to give me the confirmation I need....to finally cross this critical time and come out ok on the otherside and hopefully have clear sailing for the rest of the pregnancy.

But for today...I do know that whatever the news is tomorrow, I'll be ok. Life will go on. I'm already so incredibly blessed with the family that I do have, God HAS TRULY blessed me with 4 beautiful children, a wonderful husband and so so much more. I have so much to be greatful for and so much to live for. I do feel so blessed to have expereinced pregnancy once again. Something that I NEVER thought would actually be a reality for us (it too seemed so out of reach)...but we're here....I AM Pregnant...and if he could bring us this far he can bring us all the way. I just hope and pray... that this is HIS WILL...that our little one make it...and that it is HIS TIME. Please keep praying for our little one...and thank you so much for listening to all my pathetic rambeling, it does help to just get it out...to put words to what I'm feeling and not to hold it inside.

My appointments pretty early (8:15am central time) so hopefully we'll have some very good, happy news to share very very soon. I'll let you know how it went as soon as I get home.

[wannabigbabybelly]

Oh, I forgot to mention....I'll be seeing the MEAN doctor tomorrow since he's the only one on call for the next 2 weeks or so....so that's one reason I'm dreading seeing him....I usually try and avoid him if at all possible, but unfortunatly that's not an option for us right now.

But as long as we see a heartbeat....that's all I really need from him. Hopefully he'll keep any negativity to himself and allow us to continue to hold onto hope.

[evita]

Oh sweetie!! Good luck! Dont worry a bit, your baby will be fine. You will be in my thoughts and prayers!!

[jhulin]

I wish you the best of luck. My DH and I were in that same boat. We lost our little one the same way the first time. It was awful, especially b/c I went alone to the appointment as my DH (who is a student) was taking a big test that day. The second time I was pregnant we went together and we saw the heart beat. It was so exciting! Sadly, we lost that baby too due to placental abruption. It was a 100 times worse that time b/c I'd gone beyond the not daring to hope phase that you describe. I was 17 weeks and actually had begun to tell people. However, I understand placental abruption such as mine is really rare as I had not fallen, been in accident, or taken any meds other than prenatal vits. I'm hoping for your sake that all turns out well.

[dndtaylor]

Jessica we are thinking about you this morning. We are here for you just let us know how we can help. Hugs! Sending positive and continued sticky vibes your way.

[HRMS MOM]

Thinking about you today and hoping all is well!