[wannabigbabybelly]

I can't tell you how excited and happy I am that I actually ovualted on my own and that we might actualy have a chance...

But I'm scared...

Scared that we might not get our
Scared that if we do get our wether it too will end in a miscarriage.

Scared because that particular week after we find out...has always been very difficult for me anyways...with my oldest daughters birthday...and all we've been through with her adoption...and our rocky relationship with her birthmom...and my own feelings regarding infertility. For some reason I always break down right before her birthday....

Now on top of that..I have the loss of our first pregnancy that would have been due that same week..and not sure how I'm going to feel about that...knowing our sweet baby could have been in our arms..and is not.

and then getting my hopes up that this natural cycle might be a and then finding out it's not...

I'm just afraid if it's not a I might hit rock bottom. I'm trying to work through some of those feelings now...so they won't creep up on me..but I'm scared.

I want this to be a so BBBBBAAAAAADDDDD!!! To help keep my mind off the other stuff and keep me thinking positive and hopeful.

[designdiva32]

Jessica hun. No matter the outcome...you don't need to worry about falling. We are all here to catch you and you are not doing this alone. I know I'll be hoping and praying you get your bfp this cycle and that it is sticky...sticky...sticky!!

[CryingInside]

If you do fall apart we will be picking up the pieces...just like humpty dumpty's men!

Seriously though, I understand what you mean about feeling so scared of the outcome. Either way it comes out, you know that you are a strong woman that will be okay! We are hear for you either way!

[lovingwife]

I know it's scary after a miscarriage. Those "anniversary" dates are the worst. I was a wreck on what would have been my due date. Let yourself grieve, cry, vent and we'll just hope that you get that bfp!!!!!!!!! Personally, I felt better after I got past the due date. I had been dreading it since the miscarriage and the fact that we hadn't gotten a bfp yet was so depressing.

You're allowed to be scared. Try to have fun celebrating DDs b-day. Do something extra special.

Come on bfp!!

[Jacklyn]

I know its all very scary, but hang in there. Hoping for the best for you

[ara79]

Jessica,
Take one day at a time. We're here for you hun.

[wannabigbabybelly]

UHG...I can feel it coming on...

I tested again today 13dpo and it was a . I thought it would be since I've had bleeding/spotting for the last two days...but it was dark brown in color mixed with some pink....not really red/pink like it would normally be...I was it was just implantation bleeding...but NOPE...it's the real thing.

I'm trying not to think about it...but it's all i have on my mind...thinking..."It's OVER...It's official...It's definatley a BFN this month (my first time I've ever ovulated on my own)." I had hoped this would be some miracle baby...sent just in time of when my other baby was about to be due...but it's not.

Now I feel stuck in the middle of nowhere...I wish I could at least be doing something....that I could start my next medicated cycle tomorrow...but I can't for another month...my doctor won't allow us to...we have to have 2 full cycles after a miscarriage before trying again.

I feel on the verge of tears...and I've been snapping all day at my husband and my kids ...I just don't have the patience today.

We're suppsed to leave in about an hour to go to chuck-e-cheese for a friends birthday party...but I just feel like crawling up on the couch with my big comfy blanket and being alone.(which i know I can't do...life goes on and my kids/family need me).

Why does this have to be sooo hard.

Why couldn't my baby just be in my arms next week? I see all the beautiful pictures of the babies that were due right around the time mine was due and it just makes that loss that much more real.

[ara79]

oh hun, i am so sorry. just think, your body is beginning to ovulate on it's own and that is good news! let's pray that it continues to do that and you will get your BFP! as i said earlier, please take it one day at a time. when we get too caught up in what we are going to do next it can be overwhelming. take time to grieve and then put your game face on and try again! all these struggles will make you a better mother!

[karenBFP]

Hi hun i know how you feel i have had many miscarriages no heart beat at 8wks d+c
also 2 blighted ovums and 2 normal miscarriages
and i just got a bfp 2 weeks ago i am over the moon but so scared as my first hcg at 5wks was 481 and my 2nd hcg two days later was 916 doubled but not quite and still low so i swear to myself this is another blighted ovum I had a scan 5wks 4 days thursday just gone and there was just a gest sac at 5mm i have been brown spotting since and had another scan today as i am 6wks 1 day and there is a 11mm sac with yolk sac but no fetal pole so i have another scan on friday but i know its a blighted ovum it makes me mad as i try for ages and then when i do get a bfp it ends in a sad way

[wannabigbabybelly]

Oh Karen, I'm so sorry.

Yes, I'm scared too of trying again just for another miscarriage. But I have hope that ONE DAY...we'll get it right. Hopefully third times a charm for us. But I refuse to give up. If I give up I KNOW we won't have a chance. With trying there is always that risk of another or several more miscarriages...yet...there is the CHANCE that we might finally get it right and have our baby in our arms...so I'm not ready to give up on that chance yet...regardless of how hard it is to go through all of this.

My DH must have noticed my depressed mood...because we went over to Baby Depot the other day.. (we were looking for a dresser to go in my girls room)...but while we were there I was going to buy another piece to the baby bedding that we had picked out a whiel back and I've slowely picked up a piece here and there to the set. Well, he said why don't we just get everythign now (in case they stop carrying it or run out of the things we like). I was hesitant because I know we don't have the money for all that right now...but he insisted...so...I had some fun shopping therapy and we bought a BUNCH of stuff. So now we can start putting our baby room together. It's so AWESOME. I just LOVE the stuff we bought and it's gender neutral so it can go either way for what ever we have in the future.

Plus...we're letting our little foster baby use all the stuff..so she's trying it all out for us just to make sure it's what we want and working properly. So...even though she won't be mine forever...at least we get to see it in use instead of just sitting here with empty arms.

Right now she is in the Graco "sweetpeace" swing we just bought (that goes along with our teddy bear theme) and it is just so neat...it has beautiful music.

So I guess I'm finding ways to deal with this and to get excited for our next cycle....this will give me time to paint the baby room (or area...haven't decided where were actualy going to put the crib yet..it might be in our room?) and do the re-arranging of heavy furniture that we need to do..that I won't be able to do when I get pregnant again.

[designdiva32]

Jessica and Karen

I know only too well how you both feel. I'm currently on my third bfp in 8 months and while everything is going fine so far...I just have this permanent nagging feeling that it won't last and I will be back at the start yet again.

But I really wanted to say that I think you both have amazing strength. Jessica you are truly inspirational with your amazing attitude and belief you will have your baby. I wish I had more of that myself. I just feel like the m/c's have stolen most of the joy out of pregnancy for me now and I can't imagine what it must be like for women who have never experienced this who have babies. What an innocent time it must be for them.

Karen, I really hope this isn't another blighted ovum for you hun. You have been through so much it just seems so unfair. However, if it is...do you have plans to have the products tested? They can still test the cells from the placenta etc even if there is no embryo. My second pregnancy was pretty much a blighted ovum and that came back a trisomy pregnancy. It helped to know what had caused it. Although I'm still a bit in the dark as to what caused my first loss as they don't test the first m/c. My RE now does empirical treatment for me (treating for everything pretty much that could cause m/c even though I didn't test positive for it) as I'd rather be doing something than nothing.

Anyway, I really just wanted to send some hugs out both your way. You are not alone in this. Many of us understand the stress and anxiety that comes with recurrent loss. However...the one thing we do have and that keeps me going everyday is each other.