My DH and I had earlier this year decided (after much thought and research) that since I have PCOS and 5 years of TTC (no medical intervention - just years of being told by Drs that we were "still young" and being told to lose weight - I am numerically overweight but look like a body builder and I dont lift weights!) we should just go directly to adoption without trying medical intervention.

Then Thursday he drops the bomb on me. He wants to stop the adoption process (homestudy) to go with medical intervention (deciding on adoption was not a spur of the moment decision - it took years in the making!). Besides the fact that I was VERY hormonal, I was already having a hard time with my family since they think that PCOS is all mind over matter - although I gave them all the research I had to read! I was already feeling very alone and thought that at least I had DH who understood what I was going through! Little did I know! ( I did not throw anything at him although I was tempted for the first time in 13 years!)

We have reached an impass since I refuse to got through all the needles and pills and messing with my hormones by people who have LITTLE understanding about my issues with PCOS and whom I have to FIGHT to get adequate treatment. If they do not understand the effect of untreated PCOS how can they understand the effect of all these treatments on my body? I have no reason to think that they will suddenly have a clue!
Am I being unreasonable?

It now looms before me a life without children, and I don't see that as being bearable. So much of me centers around children I dont feel that I can accept that I will not have children with me to love. I dont have the need to have bio children or a bio child (just to have have children in my life) but I cannot sacrifice my life or health in the pursuit of children.

I dont mean to be dramatic but I feel that my body will not be able to handle more mistreatment. Acute Bronchitis, severe allergies and PCOS have already hurt my body too much for me to allow more hurt by going through medical treatments that may or maynot work. I also know that both parents are diabetic and have high blood pressure so it is likely that I get those too!

I need to know if I am being unreasonable.

Sorry for ranting but I just feel somuch better when I am here.

Rant away, friend. It sounds like you have good reason.
Your DH is being a jerk. How dare he be wishy-washy at a time like this! If you do not feel up to enduring infertility treatments, then you shouldn't. Don't let others convince you otherwise. Remember that doctors make a lot of money out of administering infertility treatments, so they may not be exactly UNBIASED on the issue of whether or not you should be treated. And as for DH... well, he's not the one who will have to undergo the physical and hormonal side effects of the treatments! The final decision must be yours, and he needs to support your decision.
Adoption sounds like the best option for you... I don't understand why your husband is getting cold feet at this point, when you've already decided upon it and spent years arriving at this decision.
You should have a long talk with him and try to figure out where his head is at. Maybe something about the adoption process suddenly spooked him. Try to get him to discuss his concerns, so that you can address them.
I wish you the best and I'm sorry you're having health problems.
I know what you mean about this forum. I find a lot of support here, and I'm glad you do too. Don't worry, you are NOT being unreasonable, and if your husband continues to have trouble making up his mind, perhaps you might suggest he see a counselor.
Hugs, Sharon

Newsasha -
I can totally relate to your situation. I have rheumatoid arthritis, which currently doesn't cause any real problems for me, but which also requires me to take medications that alter the course of my disease. I've been off these meds for over a year while my dh and I were trying to conceive (a process that included several tests & several months of IUIs) - but now we've decided that, for my health, we're going to stop pursuing pregnancy and turn to adoption as our way of building a family. This wasn't an easy decision, as I'm sure you know - I can relate to your dh's backpedaling, though. I went back and forth several times myself, even after I felt "sure" of my decision. His sudden reluctance may just be part of his process of grieving and coming to terms with the loss of those "dream children" we all seem to build for ourselves.
When you have health concerns, though, you really have to ask yourself: What kind of parent can I be if I've destroyed my body in the process of becoming one? When you talk to your dh about this, maybe put the focus on what kind of parents you want to be rather than what kind of children you want to have. In the end, you'll be better parents - and raise better children, whether biological or adopted - if you are taking care of yourself and can participate fully in their lives. Best of luck,
Anna

One of the key things I learned in adoption is that it's a process - with 'forward steps' and 'backward steps'. It can be very hard for someone to 'give up' on having a biological child - there is a death of sorts to grieve for, a death of a possibility.

Adoption can also be scary, especially for those who are new to it but also for those who are in-process for a while. I'll be honest- in a lot of ways it 'feels' like infertility all over again.

I certainly can't tell you why DH is reacting this way, I wouldn't be surprised if he's not even sure. He could be not ready to give up on pregnancy, afraid he won't be able to love a child not of his own blood, afraid that his heart will get broken, afraid you'll never find THE right child to adopt. It could be any of these or none of these.

Counseling and time will help work through it and help you both be at peace with your decisions.

Hang in there.

Regina Amom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

Your husband obviously does not understand PCOS, either. An educational lesson for him would help. (I know, easier said than done!!!) But it really sounds as though he thinks you can pop some pills and have a baby in 9 months. The intricacies of the issue haven't sunk in for him yet.

I need to say that if your doc is still telling you that you are diagnosed with PCOS but that you should just lose some weight, then you're seeing the wrong doctor! Without a doubt he needs an education, too.

I have been diagnosed with two of the three hormonal risk factors that tend to develop into full-blown PCOS later. Plus the actual polycystic ovaries. But it took a board-certified Reproductive Endocrinologist to diagnose that - from OBs and family docs I also got told that I was "still young" and many refused to even start tests.

Get out your health insurance paperwork and go doctor shopping. Find a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) who will actually give you a FULL physical and run all of the blood tests (there are more than a dozen) to determine for sure why you haven't gotten pregnant yet. You may be dealing with more than just PCOS - we also discovered an auto-immune disease with me. With a history of severe allergies, you should *insist* on an auto-immune workup, as the two go hand-in-hand so often.

Take your husband to each and every appointment. Don't let it be optional, he needs to see every blood draw and hear every doctor's statement. And make sure he gets tested, too, we also found an insuffienct sperm supply! Nothing like having to go into a cold room at the doc's office and "produce" a "sample" to get a man to think this fertility stuff is overrated!

If he makes it through all of that, then make sure he attends the appointment where you get your "plan" - that is, your record of every pill you'd have to take, the number of days you have to take it, the number of doctors appointments to check your progress, the number of shots you'd have to have, how long you'd be flat in bed from pain, and the percentage chance you'd even ovulate followed by the percentage chance of conception followed by the percentage chance of carrying to term.

Develop a wide-eyed innocent look during that doctor's visit, and ask questions about side effects of the medications, how long the needle is for the injections, how you're supposed to reach around to inject your butttocks yourself (the answer is that hubby has to inject it, but let the doc tell him that).

Then let him see the total per-try cost. It will be approximately $12,000 if your insurance doesn't cover it. And that's PER TRY - no guarantees.

Husbands so often leave this "plan" looking bug-eyed. They have no clue what they're asking of their wives. Gently ask him if he truly is going to ask you to go through all of that - just for a biologically related child rather than a non-biologically related child.

You're fully within your rights to be extrememly frustrated and angry with him right now. But even if he's been told before, chances are what he's asking just didn't sink in. He needs to hear it again, and from a doctor who looks like he knows his stuff.

His response after all that will tell you if the two of you can work this out or if you will need the intervention of a counselor. I wish you luck!

Pcos is an aweful disease. No one who doesn't have it understands. Even I don't understand it and I have known about it for 12 years. I do know that I have gotten pg with metformin.
However I lost the baby. I will post more after I talk to the dr. because I went untreated for over 10 years. When I was pg they told me if I carried until 12 weeks I would carry to term.... I made it 11 weeks. I am hoping that hubby just wants to get all the information. I also think it would be a good thing for you to check with a dr if for no other reason than to get treatment. There are so many other problems that pcos causes it is just for you own health. I know when we got married my hubby and I went to get life insurance. They wouldn't insure me because they said pcos was a pre-cancer disease.
Trout

While I am not PCOC, I have reproductive issues due to hyperpituitarism. This causes HUGE amounts of prolactin to be released into my system and major hormonal problems. NO MAN can understand what it feels like to have that lack of control over your own body and feelings.

My husband and I tried fertility drugs. What a waste of time!! The emotional roller coaster ride was awful! The constant trips back and forth to the gynecologist really worn me down. But worse, the strain on our marriage at our inability to become pregnant landed us in therapy. Talk to your husband about how he'll feel about sex when it becomes a 'job'. Tell him about how many couples have split up because the rollercoaster ride of trying to get pregnant is too much.

Almost two years ago, I decided that if I was going to make my dream come true - motherhood - I was going to do it by adoption. My husband was extremely reluctant. I managed to get him to the first training class. There, he met many other men with the same feelings. Over the 14 week course, being around other men with the same feelings really helped him come to grips with adoption. By the time we completed the course, he was ready.

We adopted a sibling pair from 'the system'. My husband is totally in love with our children. As another poster wrote somewhere else, often, men just can't "visualize" a child until he/she walks through the front door! They just can't project....

Sasha,

I too have been diagnosed with PCOS and was given exactly the same advice as yourself. Lose weight and you will conceive. Didnt happen for 5 years. I always wanted kids - bio and adopted right from the start. In that sense I guess I had it easier as DH is an adoptee too so that made resistance non existant.

On our fifth anniversary the call finally came and now am mom to a feisty 3 year old. Am still on metformin though to keep those cysts down and it does make me sick. Sometimes ask why me Lord? and then I look at my baby and know the answer.

Good luck with your journey, I hope you too will have a baby to come home to someday soon.....

~Karen

First I agree with Diane about having the wrong dr. You need to be aggressive about your medical care and there are things to help PCOS regardless of fertility issues. It is for your own health. Secondly take dh with you on your visits so he really hears the issues. Treatment is no guarentee for sure. I went through 2 IUIs and 1 IVF and all I had to show for it was a lot of pain each month thanks to the IVF. It took a year for there to be any normalcy with my cycle. I do not have PCOS, but many of my friends do and it is a serious issue and one that is very misunderstood. As to dh and his backing off. My dh has been an emotional rollercoaster. I just kept plugging along. It is typical of men to get scared. What I would suggest is maybe looking into RESOLVE. It is a support group for infertility and many are adopting. Also try to get your husband around other men who have adopted. That is what really helped my husband. He started to hear about how these men bonded and love their adopted children as if they were their own bio children. They talked about many of the same feelings that he was experiencing and he realized he was not alone nor what he unusual. I wish you the best and keep us posted

It is perfectly normal for a husband and wife to be at different points in the journey to parenthood -- not that it isn't incredibly frustrating. DH and I butted heads again and again and again. When I was ready to do IF treatments, he held back. By the time I was ready to stop, he was gung ho. He dragged his heels the entire 4-1/2 years of our journey to parenthood, and I sometimes wondered how we would ever make it through.

I have a book suggestion for you that will help both you and dh (if you can get him to read it). It is called "An Empty Lap" by Jill Smolowe. That couple almost divorced over their journey to parenthood because they were always in different places. Ultimately, they adopted from China and are a VERY happy family today. Now, her dh goes out of his way to counsel reluctant spouses on the joys of adoption.

Here is an article by Jill Smolowe called "The Reluctant Spouse": http://www.rainbowkids.com/articles/201reluctant.htm

This article helped my dh to realize that it was normal for us to be in two different places in this process. Hopefully, it will help both you and dh to realize this, too.

I don't blame you for not wanting to inflict any more pain on your body. The statistics I have seen say that only 50% of couples who go down the IF road achieve pregnancy. That means 50% of us don't. I wasn't willing to inflict so much pain on my body for 50% odds. There is nothing wrong with wanting to become a parent another way.

Hang in there!!

- Faith