My husband and I were diagnosed with primary infertility in October 1999. At first we pursued AID, then stopped -- I realized I would have a hard time bringing a child in the world who wouldn't be able to get in touch with his/her genetic roots. In March of 02 we adopted a beautiful, wonderful girl and I attended the birth. I always thought that part of me would forever grieve not being able to be pregnant and give birth. Turns out? Not so much. Watching it was plenty close enough, thank you!

However, we still have some "donor swimmers" on ice at the clinic. I have another form to "thaw and destroy" that I've signed and had notarized, but I'm really struggling with mailing it out. Why? I have no intention or desire WHATSOEVER of using them. Maybe I could donate them to someone else... I don't know.

Why am I so reluctant to let go?

I think you don't want to let go is because down deep you want to bear your own child with your own genectic's. For most aparents, adopting someone else's child is a second choice for them. creed

Hi Creed!

I read your profile, so I know you are a Birthmother - I'm an adoptive mother, and I'm not trying to be argumentative - so please don't take it that way!

My 1st choice was to be a parent. Now that I am THEY are my first choice. I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world - not 10 bio-kids NOTHING. And, any decisions regarding future children (adopted or bio) will be predicated on the impact it will have on our existing family. I never want them to think that they were a second choice. Their Birthmother and I both want what is best for them. Just as I know you and your child's adoptive parents do to.


Michelle

The words "second choice" feel sort of harsh to me -- yes, it was my 2nd choice but it doesn't mean it's second best. My daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me and the way she came into our lives leads me to believe that the soul that was meant to come to us, did. I honestly have no desire to bear children at this point and would not view an "oops" baby as "better" than my daughter... in fact, they would always be "second", because she was "first" in my heart.

That being said, I think the whole "genetics" thing is a crapshoot anyway... both my dh and I have some very undesirable traits that I have no desire to pass along!

I did not mean to offend any adoptive Mother's, its just that I know quite a few and they become defensive saying they would not want to bear their own children after adopting. Personally, I don't buy it. It is not to say you don't love your adopted children, of course you do, but for most adoption is a second choice. As far as genectic's go, it is no crapshoot, my son's amother couldn't understand some of his mannerisms etc, HELLO................he's just like his bfamily. creed

Sorry, but for ME anyway, adoption was my first choice. I didn't even try to get pregnant.

I do agree, that for SOME (I'd never say most because I don't have enough factual information to do so), adoption might be a second "alternative" or "option" or, even better, "method."

I hate hearing that adoption is 2nd choice because it implies that the child is second choice. Just as many believe that adoption is the parent's 2nd choice, many ALSO believe that the children are 2nd choice. And not far away from 2nd choice is the notion that the child is not their 'real' child. It's is not fun growing up and hearing these myths.

In my mind, it's not much different from saying that the 2nd child born into a family is 2nd choice.

I agree with the other posters -- the CHOICE is to have a family. It's the method that differs.

Sorry that I'm picking on the terminology, but it's important to me.

Stacyone

I myself just got one of those lovely letters and we have stopped ttc for 2 years. I do have a bio daughter who is 16 and I feel blessed to have her, not because she is bio, but because she is my daughter. We are in the process now of adopting 2 boys ages 4 and 7 and I feel just as blessed. I mention this because it isn't about "2nd choice" it is about closure. Anytime you close a door it is scary. It is change. Heck with me I am the one who said no more and I gave myself time before we made any decisions on adoption. When we decided to pursue adoption I found myself at peace, something I never felt with the idea of pregnancy. I had no idea that we had anything being frozen until this letter I got a month ago. Even though you couldn't pay me to start to ttc again, it still hit me. I realized it was closure. It is normal and it is part of the grief process of infertility.

I take back the words "2nd choice" -- let's use "2nd option". My first choice was to be a Mom -- and yes, I believe that the soul that was meant to come to us, did. This weekend my 16-month-old daughter started using the word 'Mommy' instead of her previous 'Mem' and I've decided that Mommy is the most beautiful word in the English language!

My use of the word 'crapshoot' was intended more about health issues, etc. I know that much about her will reflect her birthfamily. I called her birthmother Sunday to ask whether it was she or the bfather who was the 'adventure diner' after going to dinner at a Mexican restaurant and watching M turn down chicken nuggets, preferring the spicy corn chowder we were eating, salsa, and the lemons that the waitress brought us for the water. I will nurture her desire to try new things, but her bfather is the one who gave her the initial willingness!

Staceyone...you write...."I take back the words "2nd choice" -- let's use "2nd option". My first choice was to be a Mom -- "


I'm glad to see you wrote this. When I first read this thread and heard how Creed refer to adoption as second choice, it had me upset. I have been thinking about it for two days and still don't know quite how to express the negative emotions that comes with the use of those words. I wonder what is the purpose of her using this, if not to only cause pain and discomfort. I wonder how bad this statement can hurt young adoptee's that might feel like they are second best.

For me this type of conversation is as disrespectful to the adoptive parents as telling a bmom that her actions caused her pain. We all know why most of us are here, let's not belittle those of us that had to suffer IF before having our eye's open to adoption. After all not everyone can conceive babies, if so, who would be left for all the little children that need mommies. This world has a way of balancing things out.

Momto1" I certainly did not mean to offend you or any other amother, its just MY belief that adoption is a second choice for most women. NOT All, but most. We all hurt and having to give our children away to strangers is something that we bmothers live with for the rest of our lives. Adoption effects all of us, and I wonder if it is worth the effects it has had on our lives. Its always there, it never goes away. Why was I told I would forget it and move on with my life??????? How could I? Did someone really believe this? Its so painful, and even though I now have a wonderful relationship with son I put up for adoption, the scars. guilt, and tears I have had for the past 34 will always be there. How does one look into their child's eyes and try and tell them why we did what we did? It wasn't my choice, it was my parents and back in the late 60's early 70's it was a disgrace to be an unwed mother. I will always be ashamed of what happened to me because I was made to feel that way. Things are different today, but a little late for me. creed

Creed -

As far as Birthmothers are concerned, I think 99.9% of the time that adoption is not only the second choice (option) but the last option.


You are right, things have changed greatly in the last 34 years. I'm 37, I grew up with children who are "our age" and adopted the old way. I'm sorry you you have had such a tough time. I heard someone (I'm embarrassed to admit it, but it may have been on a soap opera) say there are things you don't ever get over (of forget), but you need to learn to move around them if you want any type of happiness. I immediately thought of so many Birth/Life/Natural mothers I've heard from on these boards.

But. I think the issue here is that for Adoptive parents, and adoptees being "second choice" makes the validity of our families somehow diminished, when the feelings and actions are not. We like so many other started our family with a "We're ready for kids, let's stop birth control" - we didn't choose between adoption and bio kids. When I didn't become pregnant we faced a different choice - and we chose between being parents, and not being parents. I guess (to me) the choice is akin to someone choosing life over abortion, and then choosing between parenting and adoption.

Does that make any sense?

Michelle

Creed....

I can see your pain and feel it. I can't even begin to imagine who I would be today if I walked in your shoe's, couldn't even tell you if I would have survived that type of betrayal. That type of betrayal is bound to change you forever.

What I do know is that I am not who I used to be either. Prior to losing, what was thought of, a maternal right for women to bear children. It changed me.


What I've learned on the Forum is that we all suffer losses in the triad; the bmom, the amom and the adoptee. We all are just trying to do the best we can. Sometimes, not often, I hate it that my life now is all about adoption. I eat it, I breathe it, I fill myself up with every bit of educational piece I can get my hands on to try to pave an easier road for my daughter. Maybe that is the price I have to pay to have a completely open adoption, you just can't walk away from it. If so, then I'm willing to pay it so that my daughter grows up mentally safe and sound.

Sometimes I take things said here too personally because I don't want my child to someday grow up and be hurt by something that she had no choice in. I don't want her to feel less loved, abandoned, given up, second best or even second choice. All that matters to me is that she is my daughter to raise and we are trying to do the best we can to bring her up without the confusion and despair that some adoptee's have had to contend with.

I apologize if I seemed harsh.

I just saw this thread for the first time and felt compelled to respond. I, too, find the words "second choice" offensive when referring to adoption. Yes, my husband and I attempted to conceive before we pursued adoption...mostly because that's what is expected when you marry and want a family. But, quite honestly, it was a very easy decision to give up on TTC because, very simply, we wanted to be parents...we didn't care that much about being pregnant. We only tried two rounds of IUI...we never attempted in vitro or donor eggs or sperm, or any of the other assisted options available to us. Pregnancy was not that important to us.

Creed, you can choose to believe or not believe adoptive moms who tell you they don't desire pregnancy. That's your issue based on your experience. I am one of those moms and I am also a very intelligent, self-aware individual who doesn't have any "hidden desire" to be pregnant.

Mom to 1 and MKMW: Thank you for your understanding posts. Hats off to adoptive Mom's, your road isn't an easy one either. It takes very special people to adopt children. I think at times I feel somewhat offended at amom's because of my sons mother. She is so upset that I found him and feels betrayed, hurt and everything else. I did assure her I wasn't there to "Take him Back", I only wanted to get to know him and have him in my life if he chose to be. After all, he is married and 34 years old, so personally I feel it is up to him. We have a nice relationship, it would be better if his parents were more understanding. It would be better for him and maybe he would want to be around them more than he is. He loves them and they are his parents, they need to try and get past the fact I am in his life for everyone's sake. creed

you write...."I think at times I feel somewhat offended at amom's because of my sons mother. She is so upset that I found him and feels betrayed, hurt and everything else"

That I can completely understand. It is hard when you suffer a bad experience, to not take that judgement and apply it across the board to everyone. I have been done the exact same thing in other situations. It's hard not to paint everyone as monsters when you have had nothing but BAD experiences in your life with adoption.

Your post shows you are trying to understand and I respect you for that. I wish you peace.