So today was the day I went back to the doctors (so please bear with me). I had been on clomid for 3 months (late ovulator) first month no sign of ovulation other two signs of eggs. Doctor took me off clomid (said it wasn't working for me) and wanted to meet me in a month. Today she said she thought our best course of action would be IUI with clomid.

Well before DH and I went we had already started the adoption process (filled out homestudy packet) and decided that we wouldn't go any further. To many doctors appointments, doesn't feel natural, drugs and side effects, and we feel led to adopt. But with all that said I can't stop thinking I'm letting everyone down. My husband, my family and friends. I feel broken.

Don't know why I'm writing all this just ,feel like I need to vent and share my thoughts with people who understand. I want to let everyone know that I do truley feel like adotion is where we should be and not to fill a void but because we want to have a family. But I am human and I do feel a sense of a loss. Did any of this make sense to anyone?

It makes total sense. The loss of the baby who would have had your nose and dh's eyes needs to be grieved. That doesn't mean that you won't love your adopted child w/all of your heart, but an adopted child will never "replace" the dream of that baby. The loss of that baby is indeed a loss and must be grieved, just like any other loss. Also, it is hard to walk away when the doctor offers you the hope of "making" that baby. You feel kind of like the donkey w/the carrot on a stick chasing the ever-elusive dream.

The day I adopted my son, the emptiness I felt at being childless ended, but the infertility was not cured. Adoption cures childlessness, not infertility. I was surprised to realize that I still had losses to grieve despite the fact that I am a VERY HAPPY mom. I love my son w/all of my heart, and I wouldn't change a thing because every single loss, pain, and tear led me to him. But that doesn't change the fact that I did incur losses and that they hurt sometimes.

(((( HUGS ))))

- Faith

(((Babyblues2))))

What you are feel is very natural and you need to experience that loss. Even during adoption classes they talk about grief and infertility. It is important to deal with it. With that being said. You need to talk to your husband about how you feel about letting him down. It sounds like you are both on track with adoption so I doubt you are letting him down. Secondly you also have to think of you. I know that adoption was always in my heart so for me I knew it was right for us, but dh was not for it at first. I had done a few treatments including and IVF and I knew I myself couldn't go through it again. I felt some what the way you did, but I cried at the thought of more treatments. I went through the broken feelings and all. Then I realized that infertility is basically a handicap or a desease like diabetis. I have it and I have to learn to live life with it and learn to work around it to acheive what I want which was a child and to be a parent. Adoption acheives that for me. The only people you have to worry about is you and your husband. What ever issues anyone else has is not their business. You have to do what is right for you. I think you already know what that is and I wish you the very best. I hope that helps and feel free to vent anytime.

Thank you very much for the replies. I was afraid to post in fear that no would reply. (Kamalay) I must admit that adoption has always been on my heart as well. Ever since I was a little girl I invisioned having one bio child and one adopted. Even though I grew up in a community where I knew no one who was adopted.

It seems like infertility is a roller coaster of emotions one day you can be "fine" and the next you can be low. I thank God I have been "fine" more often then low. I guess the other day was a low day. Today however I'm excited about the adoption process and can't wait to get assigned our social worker. I sent our papers in thursday and called yesterday to just make sure. They told me it takes about a week for your social worker to get assigned and look over your bio and stuff. I am one of those people who will work hard to make sure that this process goes as smooth and swiftly as possible.

Oh just a little note. My husband is "GREAT" he is always telling me I'm not letting him down and that all he wants is to have a family with me. To him it does not matter if the child is blood related or not. He tells me I'm full of to much love for that to even make a difference. So the feeling of "letting people down" is more of a reflection of my at times jaded perception of myself.

Thank you again for listening to me. It's nice to not have to explain your feelings but rather know that other women have experienced the same.

I went through two rounds of IUI and two rounds of IVF. The first IVF cycle was cancelled cuz not enough eggs and the second round went scheduled as planned. Got pregnant (so happy) lost baby by the 8th week(so sad). We chose adoption, one month before I was due, we took hom a beautiful baby boy. He will be 9 months old on the 15th of thismonth. I would not trade him for the world! However, every month, I still grieve when Aunt Flow rears her ugly head. (DH has mobility issues and one of my tubes are blocked)

I grieve for the child that will not look like us. But, I celebrate the child that will have 2 parents who love him so much it hurts (plus, people say he looks like me...(proud momma talking)) Adoption is GREAT! but adoption will never replace the child that you could have had.

Hi. I am so glad to hear that you are doing better and going for adoption. I have been through everything under the sun as far as trying to concieve. It seems like it's been 10 years, but really only four. I was preg. with twins - one in the uterus and one in the tube - that was the begining. Tried God knows how many IUI's, 2 in vitros, and 1 in vitro with a surrogate, hyper stimulated - almost died - blood transfusion -CRAZY stuff!! I was absolutely obsessed! I look back at pictures and I even look completely different - all blown up from the meds, acne all over my face it didn't even look like me. It really wasn't me. As I look back - I'm so relieved that I was able to stop becasue I really thought I would never be able to. I did not care what I had to do. Well, now we are serioulsy in debt - selling our house for 2 reasons: To get out of debt and to adopt. Cannot wait!!! I am so excited and I NEVER would have imagined myself being happy again. I really did not realize how bad I was when I was there. I would stay on line forever trying to find people who would give me hope in my situation. Im telling you this because it wasn't worth it. I wish I would have started the adoption process earlier. I literally put myslef through hell and I didn't care. I'm so glad that you are not doing this to yourself. Good luck!!! Glenda