Hi Kim, thank you so much for the encouragement! There was a movie on last night... I don't know the name of it... with Jessica Lang, Halle Berry & others about a crack mother (AF) who leaves her newborn baby by a dumpster to go get high... baby is found, adopted by a white couple... birth mother gets clean and wants her baby back... DH watched the whole movie with great interest. Normally, he would not so the process of considering adoption is happening slowly. I have told him I would be willing to go have basic tests, and that most fertility clinics require both partners at the first appointment. So, it's in his court to make the appointment since his work schedule is more restrictive than mine. It's been a week and he still did not make the call. Maybe scared of what they will find out?

Thank you again everyone for sharing your stories! Karen

Hey, Karen -- for my dh and I, the process of "we can't have our own" to "we're adopting a baby" ended up taking two years. At some point, we just stopped talking about it -- I can remember having a big fight on our front lawn about it. At any rate, when the opportunity came up, he was okay about it. I don't know what went on mentally during that time (and two years is a long time in your case) but he had to come to it himself.

And stay away from Lifetime Movie Network.

See if you can get him to go to a seminar about adoption. Check out your local chapter of RESOLVE, go to a couple of "adoption nights" hosted by local adoption agencies. Explain to him that these are free, require no commitment, just to gather some information. Then give him some time to think about it. Set up a promise to yourself that you won't initiate the conversation for at least ten days, then see what happens.

Good luck!

My Dh as well, resisted the idea of adoption, because he was not educated in the process. He always thought of adoption as just an 18 yr babysitting job. He is now as excited as I am. On the donor egg situation......One of my very best friends is a elementary teacher in her 20's. She has always wanted to be a surrogate mother and egg donor, and recently became an egg donor for the first time. She enjoyed the whole process and plans on doing it every year.

I personally did not have the money to do in vitro. I may try later, but for now, we adopt. The only insurance that I have heard of that pays for infertility 100% (no questions asked) is united healthcare through citigroup companies. I had it.....I didn't take advantage of it, because we didn't want kids yet.

My mother got PG and gave birth at the age of 42. My baby sister is probably the most normal one in my family.

My advice is if you have the money, do the egg donor/surrogate. And be patient with DH. Once, when I was freaking out about his level of commitment to adopting, because he wasn't obsessing like I was, He asked me why I didn't display emotion in Home Depot, was I unexcited about a remodeled home, did I disapprove of the particular tool? I laughed and realized that men are not as emotionally invested in the process, and yes he was excited about the end result, but he leaves the details up to me. Not that he is uninvolved, but he just doesn't immerse himself in the details like I do.

Good Luck to all!!

I just thought I would drop one more note. Stacyone made the comment about how dh and her stopped talking about it. That is what my dh said to me. He was thinking about it but didn't want to talk about it all the time. I know it is harder for most to except to start with especially if the infertility is at all due to them(in our case it is both of us) they know they want children, but they often have that failure feeling too and everytime we mention the word adoption it bruises their ego. It was after I stopped talking about it with the exception of key things like the initial meeting and appointments that he started to get into it. He really came alive at the Pride classes and such because he realized he wasn't alone. But as mentioned guys are just at a different and I do mean much different emotional level than us and we have to deal with it.

Infertility is a difficult thing to face whether male or female. I told my husband, "let's just adopt a child, then we'll try IVF". I desperately needed to stop trying to get pregnant. Every month felt like a death occurred when my period began. I was never regular, always late, which cost me a lot in OTC pregnancy tests, not to mention days of crying and profound grief. And if one more person told me to relax I thought I'd become violent! I never had peace about spending so much money for a 20% chance of having a baby either. Adoption always leads to becoming a parent. Just different kinds of labor!

My husband and I both had some doubts about adoption. We wondered if we could love a baby that didn't come from our bodies. We worried about a birthmother changing her mind after a child was placed with us, parenting a child with problems that occurred because of the birthparents poor choices, would we bond as a family and a good bit of the fears most folks have when trying something completely unknown. Most of these fears were lessened after going to adoption classes held by our first adoption agency. Now as parents of 4 adopted children, it's difficult to imagine ever doubting anything about adoption. I could go on Oprah and proclaim the wonders of growing a family through adoption! If I had been able to give birth, I wouldn't have the beautiful children that now call me "Momma". I simply can't imagine life without them! Each one is a gift from God.

Some families are dysfunctional whether formed by birth or adoption. I am deeply saddened to hear about the parents who thought they were superior to their adopted children. Hopefully, the children have received help to deal with their troubled childhood and realize that it was their parents who missed out on discovering all of their child's talents and gifts and never really knowing their child. Nonetheless, folks who have and express doubts before adoption are being honest with where they are mentally and it doesn't limit their ability to become great parents of adopted children. I know several of my friends with biofamilies have doubts about becoming parents and many fears about parenting as well. Humility comes with this parenting job, no matter how the family is formed!

Don't let doubts and fears keep you from the family you are dreaming of. Infertility clinics like to claim high statistics and keep you hopeful but at age 44 your health could be put in danger by getting pregnant. Follow your heart and don't worry about your husbands comments. I bet he'll love any child that God sends your way.

Blessed Momma to Mark 13 & Mike 12 both a. 12/00 from Kungur, Russia and Rachel 8 & Anne Marie 6 both a. @ birth USA

I wish you luck, and am happy to hear you say you are considering adoption. I hope your husband will learn to think as openly as well.

Make sure to keep us posted...

[JJ#5]

Hi..I'm new here. I'm 44 and have a 2 year old who I had no trouble conceiving. My husband is 10 years younger than I am, and would like to have another child. I have 3 older children (20, 18, 13) from a previous marriage. I decided to try because I would like my 2 year old to grow up with a sibling close to his age. I don't know if this sounds naive, but it wasn't until I started reading these fertility websites that I started wondering if it wouldn't happen at all. Today is day 3 of my cycle and I called by OB/Gyn and had my FSH/Estrogen checked today. I'm starting to think it won't be as easy as I thought. Is there anyone out there who's had a baby at my age without all these different treatments!!!!! If the FSH is normal, is that all you need to know? If it's high, is it over for us for a biological child? Please don't think I'm selfish - I just don't know the answers. I would have no problem adopting a baby to be part of our family, but my husband thinks I always jump the gun. Are there any physical symptoms which would lead me to believe that I am now infertile? I get reg periods, ovulate, and have had no menopausal symptoms yet. I can't wait to find out the results of my test. What # should worry me? Please help. Thank you in advance!!!

[30somethingmom]

Hi JJ,
I don't know about the FSH numbers and am not aware of any typical symptoms of infertility. However, I do know a woman who conceived when she was 43. She did not undergo fertility treatments and gave birth to a healthy baby boy. He is now 6 years old and doing great. So, it is definitely possible to have a baby at 44! The fact that you had no trouble conceiving your 2-year-old is also a good sign.

Good luck and keep us posted on how things go!

[JJPRAYINGHARD]

Stella
What did you and your husband choose? and did it work? i am also 29, with poor embryo quality.