I totally understand what you are going through. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for 10 years. I have had to come to terms with infertility and it was very hard. I went through a grieving process for a while. It really helped. I totally understand what it feels like to have people say "don't worry as soon as you adopt you'll get pregnant", it causes very conflicting emotions. I agree that you should not attend the meeting with the in-laws. Because my husband is my in-laws only son, a lot of the blame was set on me. I wish I would have stayed home. It's been a struggle. We've thought a lot about adoption over the last 5 years or so, and after really praying, and greiving, we finally decided that above everything else, what mattered was a child. How we were going to be blessed with one wasn't an issue any more. We knew where our blessing would come from. If you would like to talk you can email me anytime at mike_sandyp@msn.com I pray that all your needs are filled and your heart overfills with joy.

Ellie

The comment you made of feeling like someone died each month is very normal. The way I described it when we were at the point of stopping ttc was a piece of me died each month. Something else your husband should tell his parents is each month the disappointment you BOTH feel is terrible and could eventually take its toll on your marriage and that is not at all what he wants to happen. He can then explain that after evaluating all the facts you both realised that being parents was what was important not how you became parents. Hopefully they will see this is the right choice. Best wishes and good luck Wed

Great posts here. I went through just about all of the emotions spoken her. I too, sent gifts to baby showers. No way was I going to go and burst into tears and spoil it for the honoree. RESOLVE is great and I would encourage you to find a chapter near you, but keep in mind that many of the attendees are going to IVF procedures. In our group, we were the only ones adopting. We still got great comfort from them. I would also encourage you to find an adoption support group as well.

I have had SO MANY PEOPLE tell me, "well now that you've adopted and are relaxed, maybe you'll get pregnant." Their face usually turns red when I tell them I had a hysterectomy.

We got the call for my son 8 weeks after my hysterectomy.

Some of the friends who had difficult pregnancies have said that I really didn't miss much. Stretch marks, swelling, pants that never fit the same again, can't lose the pregnancy pounds, etc.

One night my pastor was talking at church and was using the illustration of a woman in labor. He talked about 24-hour labors and I piped up, "Mine was 4 years!" The congregation roared in laughter for about 3 minutes!

Will there always be a little pain? Yes, especially when you are trying to adopt a second child. The infertility issues don't always go away with adoption, but your child will shift your focus a bit. Someday you will be able to laugh about all of this. Just remember-pregnancy is temporary, but being a mom is forever.

i have felt the same way. I did force myself to go to my girlfriend's and cousins' and other's baby showers. One time I was sitting with my friends and they all started talking about breastfeeding. I felt ... I don't know. They talked and I just sat there. Dh and me found out that I had a genetic disease a year and half ago. I have a 50% chance of passing this on to my child(plus we had tried for 4 years). That is too big of a risk. I have had people tell me they would take the risk. These people have healthy children. I had someone tell me that I probably wasn't meant to have children and be a mother. I almost started crying when they said that. I believe that dh and me will be parents through adoption. We are in the adoption process right now. We are very excited and can hardly wait until we have our child with us. thanks for listening and it is nice to know that I am not the only one.

Jennifer

Apparently, they are extremely ignorant. Parenting a child has nothing to do with biology. I am not putting the same value here but hear me out. If biology were the only factor in being a good parent, then no one should have a puppy, after all shouldn't the puppy be raised with it's "natural" parent. I'm so sorry that you had such a comment made to you. Just know that your future child will not see you as incompetent because you are not their biological mom.

Were crack addicts who did their crack while they were pregnant think about their children? Of course not. I consider that child abuse in the extreme. Were they "meant" to be that child's parents? I sure hope not.

Jennifer, how many times I have heard well meaning people say very dumb things. I actually had a relative say this:

"Why so long, don't you guys know how to do it"
and
"you can always buy one, I hear the chinese ones are cute when they are little"

I cried that day, in fact I made a big scene and told everyone they were jerks. They still say dumb stuff to me, but not quite that dumb.... I think it is important that we gently tell people how thier comments make us feel...

Hang in there! I understand what you are going through... my Husband and I have tried for 6 years to find out my ovary had a cyst that attached itself to my intestines. I now have a battle mark of a c-section but no baby... I have noved on to adoption. My best friend is due in February and I've been asked to be in the delivery room with her, which I will be even if it hurts me. I need her support as much as she needs mine! My husband is in the military and currently overseas, with the unknowing of will he come home alive, we have looked into adoption. The military is REAL good about passing out clomid as if it was candy... I spent 18 months on it to no success. My brother has twins and I spend time with them and I am the God mother to three of my girlfriends children and in about a year I will be a mother myself with a long story about the waiting for them to come into our lifes, that'll be my labor story... If you need to vent feel free to chat with me I'm learning more each day and there are 2.1 million women with infertility problems... lets just adopt and make the world a better place to live and raise our new family...

Yvonne

The wait is finally over, We have found out that my husbands sperm is "markedly abnormal" and I don't ovulate, AND I have scarred felopian tubes, so we cannot have a child without assistance. Our specialist told us the only thing we can do that has a chance for success is IVF. My husband and I feel that IVF is not for us, so we are heading down the road to adoption.

I feel really sad, but also relived that I can start to put this behind me, that I can see an end to grieving. A light at the end of the tunnel.

I am so thankful for my husband! This experience has really brought us closer together, and we always seem to be on the same page lately. I thank God for him, he is a wonderful man.

Thanks you all!
Ellie

Congrats, Ellie & your blessed dh, on deciding to adopt.

As others have mentioned, it helped me to see my disappointment with our lack of pregnancy as grief...I had lost something precious to me. But it is also oh-so-true that adoption is miraculous. I really started to "nest" for our baby when we got to the point you're at now. We'd gotten a diagnosis, made a decision, and could move on. My dh was so awesome about bragging to everyone under the sun about our adoption plans and soon-to-be-matched baby. I found that talking as a couple and with others really helped me assimilate adoption into my mindset. Supportive people are gifts! A good friend of mine told me the other day: "You need to remember to slow down. You're pregnant, afterall!" (we're about to adopt #3).

For me, the tears at showers and pregnant friends have lessened. I still get an occasional twinge. But, as mentioned, you will also have YOUR story. You will also be VERY TIRED and wrapped up in being a Mom. Some of this stuff just fades as life revolves around diapers, pb&j, sleep, carseats and sticky kisses! Bless you guys!

Ellie, I am 39, and of 7 years I have not been unable to conceive, but I have had 2 misscarriages, and two ectopics, one ruptured. I am not infertile and they find no reason why I had the misscarriages. I am not willing to spend one moment or one penny on fertility treatments, envitro? etc. when there are so many children in the world that already exist and don't have anyone. I guess it is a personal choice and whatever one you choose, it is right because it is yours. Good luck on whatever you decide to do, just remember you are never alone in what you are going through and sometimeday your dream will come true, no matter how it happens or how long it takes!

I have never spent much time on the 'infertility issues' portion of this forum, tho I certainly can relate to almost everyone that has posted on this thread - except that I never became pregnant; never lost a child I was carrying. I am immensely grateful for that. I can't imagine the pain.

The rest of it tho - been there, done that. Understand completely the sadness/relief of giving up the dream of bearing a child. Once you have a child, the pain of attending baby showers and offering congratulations, and even the monthly reminder that you haven't conceived again ... honestly it all goes away. I still remember how painful it all was!!! But it no longer haunts me and I no longer grieve.

I'm glad you found this site and hope you get as much out of it as I have.

Alright, My DH and I are ready... what do we do now? I have read three books and spent countless hours reading this message board, but I am still feeling lost as to where to start. Do I just start calling adoption agencies? any advice?

Yes, call agencies. I would also suggest looking up agencies using a search engine. There are tons. I did a lot of research before I finally found one that would fit our needs as well as feeling comfortable and sure of their services. Ask lot's of questions. Remember that no question is silly! Good luck!

Oh , Ellie, i really feel your pain! My dh and I are in the same boat. we were just told that we could not conceive. dh has very low sperm count, and i did not ovulate even on clomid.

i feel jealous of EVERYONE who has ever had a child. i threw out all of my pregnancy magazines because i couldn't bear to see them. my hubby forced me not to throw away the baby things i had bought, just a few things.

I don't think we can force ourselves to " get over it" . And you don't have to have conversations with anyone that doesn't get it. Just come here. I myself have not received much sympathy or understanding from my family or friends. no one knows what to say to me either. and my hubby is not in the pain that i am, he is just happy about adoption. i feel as alone as you, so i understand! you cant talk to me anytime!!
(((((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))))
Beth