Hello, I am brand new to this board and am in need of a conversation with those who understand.

My husband and I have been unable to even concieve for 7 years. My husband's sperm count is very low, with low mobility, and I have had cyst problems, we haven't looked very far into my own biology yet. We are now headed to a fertility specialist, but have been told that it is unlikely that we will have very many options. We are considering just skipping the infertility game and going right to adoption, but I am finding it hard to let go. I am almost 30 and all of our friends are having babies. I am having a very hard time at baby showers, or being around pregnant women. I feel like a terrible and selfish friend. When I even start to think about the fact that I will never be pregnant, never breast feed, never be able to argue about who's eyes our baby has, I start to loose it. I can't seem to find comfort anywhere and I feel like a bad person. I need someone to tell me that adoption is just as good, that I am not less of a woman because I will never be pregnant.

I absolutely cannot stand the labor conversations my friends all have, it makes me want to run out of the room in tears. How do I get over my envy and feelings of unfairness.

The worst part is that it seems no one understands... I don't feel like I have anyone to talk with about it and I feel utterly alone.

Well anyway, I am sorry to dump all this on you all, but I needed a place to vent. Thank you SO much for taking time to read this.

Ellie

Ellie, what you're feeling is completely normal. There are lots of support groups out there for people with fertility problems -- one is called RESOLVE -- someone else out there has contact information I'm sure.

I will never bear a child, but I am a mother of a wonderful, happy, loving toddler. My husband and I chose not to subject ourselves to the humiliation, pain, physical risks and uncertainity of fertility treatments deciding instead to subject ourselves to the unpleasantness of the homestudy and the adoption process. Because we knew at the end of the adoption process we'd be parents and at the end of the fertility treatments we might be as childless as we were to start.

My advice is to make sure you are at peace with your infertility so that you can embrace adoption as the fabulous way to form a family, not as something that's second best.

Good luck!

Hi Ellie

I know just how you are feeling! My husband can not have children and I have polycystic ovarian sydrome. We tried to have a baby for 2 years before we found out. I was taking Clomid to help me ovulate, and nothing was happening. I spent so much time crying. If I had a dollar for every tear, we would be rich!

All of my girlfriends are also pregnant. That is all they talk about! What color the baby room will be, and how they have to buy new pants because they are gaining so much weight. I always wonder what is wrong with us and why we can not have a baby. We never did anything wrong. I am also sick of baby showers. I am actually considering not going to my best friends baby shower. I just can't take it. I know I will be in tears the day of.

We have decided to try to adopt a baby. At first I felt sad because I wanted to see what our bio child would look like. But we really want to be parents, and to me it doesn't matter anymore. I can't wait to experience getting up in the middle of the night, and watching a baby's first steps. My husband and I are in this together and we are very excited! We completed our homestudy and now we are just waiting for a baby to be born. We have a lot of respect and admiration for birthmothers, and we feel like we are special to be able to adopt a baby.

Hang in there. It is very hard, I know. Just enjoy your time with you husband. I just wanted to let you know that I know exactly how you feel, and how special we think adoption is.

Terry

Thank you so much, it helps so much to hear some one say "I know exactly how you feel"...

I am so tired of well meaning people who say "I know someone who tried for 100 years and as soon as they started looking at adoption they had 3 kids" Or "just keep trying". It feels to me like they are saying "get over it" or "just wait longer". I feel I have waited long enough, and the fertility gammit will just be more waiting, I am leaning more and more toward just going straight to adoption...

Thank you both so much for validating my feelings, I appreciate it!

Ellie

What you are feeling is completely natural. I do have a 17 yr old, but dh has no bio children. We ttc for 5 years and I heard and experienced much of what you have. It amazes me at how people can be at times, then I realize they just don't know any better. We tried clomid, 2 IUIs and 1 IVF after the we could have done more but I knew I was finished with ttc. Emotionally it was wrecking me. I had to deal with that grief and I did have to take some time down and just really think things out and open my heart and head. Only the two of you can make the decision. As mentioned RESOLVE is out there and can be of help to some. It hit me one day that it wasn't about giving birth for me it was about being a parent and my thought is that love comes from the heart not from blood. When I realized that then I knew what was right for us. I wish you the best no matter what your choice is. Please feel free to vent anytime here.

I too can relate. My husband and I are infertile. We waited 4 1/2 years until we adopted our son. I couldn't convince my heart that he's not my flesh (does that make sense?). I feel like I birthed him but have no memory of it. I thought for a long time after receiving him (at 13 1/2 mo.) I would never greive infertility again. I am now going through it again. I am 26 years old and watching women carring their babies in their womb. We are in the prosess of trying to adopt another child. The grief of not getting to carry my baby in my womb is still there but not as bad. I am truly blessed to have our son though and I wouldn't trade him to birth a baby. I found great comfort in talking about my grief with others who can relate. I imagine when we decide we are done adding to our family, the pain may go away.

I used to hate the baby showers and talks about labor, pregnancy, planning etc. Still isn't my favorite thing to discuss but now that I have my 4 beautiful children, I've realized that I too have "labor" experiences to discuss, just not the same kind.

When women talk about their long agonizing hours of labor, and everyone is sharing their "war" stories, I share mine as well. I was in waiting (labor) for months before having my children, subjected to every question under the sun, fingerprint checks, background/criminal checks, etc.etc. etc., and I share all of that along with the first time my children were put into my arms, the first time they called me "mommy", the first toy I ever bought them, the decorating of their rooms, and just the overall experience. Not to try and "top" their stories, diminish or even compare what they go through, but simply to open their eyes a bit and remind them that there are so many ways to become a mother.

No, it's not the same, but you too will have a story to share and just as an important one as anyone going through a pregnancy. It helped me to look at my experience of becoming a mother in an exciting and special way rather than focus on how I didn't. Not to say I didn't grieve or go through a period of anger that I couldn't have children biologically, but once I went through that, I really began to see that what was really important to me was motherhood, and not necessarily pregnancy. Pregnancy lasts 9 months, motherhood is forever and of the two, I think I'll go with a forever experience.

I'm still dealing with the "do you think you'll try again" etc. comments and people still feel free to ask a lot of questions about why we couldn't conceive and those bother me but not as much anymore, especially when I look at my children and can't imagine my life without them.

Hopefully others will share their stories and you can find some comfort in them.

Best Wishes,
Crick

see thread on this page - titled 'Please Read' started by Alisa Underwood

I think you'll love the video

I am so appreciative of all of your comments. I have been reading a book called "The Lost Daughters Of China" and I can't remember who it is by... But there is a quote that she talks about one of the chinese proverbs that says "In life we always have one foot in sorrow and one foot in joy" This has helped me tremendously. I try to look at the foot that is in joy. I have many blessings in my life.

We have finally gotten some direction as to where our fertility problems lie. The specialist told us that my husbands sperm count was not that bad and if that were the only problem then we should have concieved by now. So it turns out that I have tubal problems as well as ovulation problems. I go for xrays, and ultrasounds on wednesday. I am almost hoping that he says there is no way we can have children, so that I can finally grieve this and put it to rest. With hope I feel like I am in a constant state of sadness and disappointment. This may seem weird but every time I get my period I feel like someone just died. It is like someone I love keeps dying once a month.

One other issue I have is with my in-laws. They are WONDERFUL people and I feel like they are my parents as well as his. However my husband is their only child, and the disappointment on their faces is hard to bear. They keep pushing for us to continue with the fertility treatments, but if it is going to be difficult I DON'T want to pursue it. It is hard to put their feelings aside as this is not just about us... but I am not sure how to tell them that we are most likely not going to try any longer to have a biological child...

Well thanks for letting me vent. This is an invaluable service you have all done for me. Peace!
Ellie

Ellie--
Perhaps your husband should sit down with his parents and say that the fertility treatments have longterm risks and short term side effects and that he loves you more than he loves the idea of a biological child so, as a result, you are deciding to choose another path to parenthood. He can say that he would never be able to live with himself if you developed ovarian cancer from overstimulating your ovaries on the off-chance that you would get pregnant.

He can also emphasize that there's no guarantee that the treatments will result in a child, but adoption will. And that you two wouldn't be pursuing this option if you didn't have confidence that they, as grandparents are capable of loving any child -- even one that's not genetically linked to them. Tell them that you both understand that they, like you, need to grieve the loss of what they'd hoped for, but that adoption is an exciting way to form a family.

The good news is that there aren't other grandchildren in the family for them to think they feel more connected to because of biology. My daughter is the only grandchild my inlaws have and they think the world of her.

This is wondeful advice... I had thought of having DH give the news, this would be better comming from him. I have a feeling by next week we will have made a decision and both he and I are feeling exactly the same. I had also considered not even being there when he tells them. I don't want them to think that my impatience pressured him into this decision because this is not the case at all. I also did not even know about the cancer risks! It is just more confirmation. Thanks again!
Ellie

I think it's better if you're not there. That way, any stupid thing they say as they're processing the information, you don't have to hear (and ask your husband not to relay anything hurtful they might blurt out without thinking).

Remember, the two of you have been talking and coming to this conclusion over time. It only makes sense that it would take them a while to process that information.

Re: the cancer risk -- I don't know for certain that any definitive link has been established between overstimulating ovaries and ovarian cancer. However, since cancer is an abnormal growth of cells, it is only logical that such stimulation might have longterm reprecussions.

I also know just how you feel. I turn 30 next year and my husband and I have been off birth control for 8 years. After many many many tears and much bitterness towards pregnant women I was able to 'get over it'. Get over it as in I have accepted the fact that I will never be pregnant and I have realized that I was meant for greater things. I think it will always hurt, but there is much much more to being a Mom than nine months. We signed up for the foster care program and I was finally a Mom to a wonderfull three year old for six months. She has taught me so much and I love her as if she were my flesh. Fostering has now led us to adoption. We cannot wait to bring home our Baby. We are still searching for our wonderful Birth Mother and hope we find each other soon.
Good luck!

FYI: Did you know that you Can breastfeed an adopted child? I have been working with a lactation consultant. They are free and the one I have is sooo excited to be working with me. She has had several women who have never had children successfully breastfeed their adopted babies. You can get more information from the La Leche League. At first I thought the idea was really weird but after discussing it with my Mom I can't wait to start trying, but first I need a Due Date!!

I have also heard that about breast feeding, but was wondering if this only applies to newborns. We will most likely be adopting internationally, so I am doubting we can breastfeed... Let me know what you find out!
Thanks
Ellie

Dear Ellie,

I wanted to first tell you that this is a wonderfull place! There are so many supportive people on this forum, and you would be amazed how many people have dealt with the same issues you have or are currently dealing with them. My husband like yours has a very low count. Because of that we have been told and understand that it would be improbable for us to conceive. We always have hope, and it is hard to let go, for about 2 years every morning I took my temperature, and we tried everytime I was ovulating. It became more of a system than love making that could result in a pregnany. It took a lot of thought, but we decided that more than anything we wanted to be parents. It didn't matter if the child was not biologicaly ours or not. Yes we too had and still have those ideas about if we were able to conceive what our child would look like, and things of that nature. I want to be pregnant too! Our friends are also tsarting their families and most are on having baby #2. I have always wanted to breas feed my baby, and have that special bond. I was soo happy when I found out that you can breast feed an adoptive child (if you are interested you can look up "lalecheleague.com") We also decided that adoption was a good option becasue we simply could not afford to spend a lot of money on seemengly hopeless infertility treatments, and the toll they pay on couples, and try to adopt.
I understand where you are coming from, and I too feel left out when I see a pregnant woman, friends, family or strangers. I have cried long hours and enraged wondered why us? But I know that there is a baby out there for us. It will just take time to find that special little someone.
I don't know if I have been any help, but I thought that telling you a little bit about us would maybe help you to see that you are not alone in the world. I have heard that one in six couples suffer from infertility. So just keep your chin up, what ever you deciede to do as a next step will be the right choice for you and your HD. Good luck and God bless you in your journey.

May