Hi everyone! wow i feel like i am finally with friends here! i went on another forum thinking it was the one i needed, but it wasn't the right one. then i found you guys.

my name is beth, and my dh and i have been married 9 1/2 yrs, trying on and off to get pregnant. but really trying the last year and 1/2 . we were recently given the news that it is highly unlikely that we will be able to conceive. dh's count is extremely low, and i was on clomid and not ovulating.

we agreed at the start that we would not go beyond oral fertility drugs, because we knew we couldn't emotionally or financially handle long bouts of treatments. besides, i'm 34 now, and i don't want to spend who knows how many more years i would have to go through this!

we really want to adopt, and are working on getting into a house so we can begin the home study. however, i am grieving for the loss of the "dream" of being pregnant and ever seeing the test be positive. i will not proceed with the adoption process until i get through this, but dh is not sad at all. he preferred adoption all along. how can i get through this alone with out making him feel guilty for NOT feeling the grief i am?

please help someone.
thank you all! ((((((( big hugs needed))))))))))
beth

We are in a similar situation as you. I went through a huge grieving process about not getting pregnant, seeing the positive pregnancy test. It was a huge trauma to see all my friends get pregnant, some even on their second baby and then being invited to baby showers. It was horrible but they didn't know what was going on in our lives - I felt it was a huge conversatin stopper and some people can be so insensitive asking when we were going to have a baby, telling me I getting on in age!

My husband felt the pain, but I don't think he understood as he were never the one who was going to be carrying the baby.

I, like you decided that until we dealt with the whole infertility issue we weren't going to adopt and it wasn't until my friend back home told me that she has miscarried and I totally understood her loss. It was as if my husband and I had also lost a baby and after talking with her it made me feel so much better, bizarre as it may seem but it was like two way therapy.

Then we realised that becoming parents was more important to us than actually becoming pregnant.

Now we are waiting on our homestudy, we have done all the paperwork side of things, then we begin the wait!

My husband didn't really know what to say to me, although he was actually grieving and I found out later that he was trying to make me feel better!

I hope that my little story will help you.

Good luck

Nicky

Hi!

Your story is not an unusual one with this group, so you are among friends. On some of my paperwork for adoption, it talks about getting through the infertility issues and it mentioned mourning the loss of your unborn children. So, it is a part of the process that we all pretty much go through. My advice, which I am sure some people will disagree with, is go ahead and plunge into the process. For me, it helped me think through the process of grieving and helped to get excited about what is to come. Plus, you do not have to have a house to do the home study. All the home study does is to make sure you have "room" for the child, it doesn't mean you have to be in a house. In the meantime, read books, subscribe to magazines, watch Adoption Stpries on Discover Health...just absorb as much as you can and I think it will start to really click with you that this is what you want.

Just my 2 cents worth! Best of luck!

LBL

Thank you so much for replying! I do feel welcomed. My dh read your response to my post, and he thought it was really good advice, as do I.
And speaking of houses, we just found out that we've been approved for a home loan! we found out tonight, and we are really excited!
Anyway, thanks again.
((((((hugs))))))))
Beth

Hi Beth and Wes,

I am glad that I was able to help! Ours is a similar story to yours and once I started reading and going through the process and telling people that we were going through with this, it just became so real and I felt that it was the right thing to do. The more I emerse myself in the process, the more I love it. I was at a luncheon the other day and some people were asking me about adoption and all the sudden, I had 3 ladies at my table who had adopted. These are women I have known for a while but never realized their children were adopted!

I think it is important to tell people and to be excited when you tell them, because it is contagious. And, many adoptions have happened because a friend of a friend is pregnant and wants you to adopt. So, let everyone know and just keep moving forward. It is really important to be educated in the process and to be aware of all the situations out there and to start to figure out in your mind what you are interested in adoption, like age, culture or ethnicity, special needs or not, through the state, and agency, or attorney. It is a VERY interesting process but I really feel like I have grown to appreciate others so much more.

Anyway, best of luck! Its a bumpy road but worth it for the scenery!

Feel free to pm me!

Happy Turkey Day!

LBL

My dh and I have been married and 'trying' for 8 and 1/2 years, actively for three years. I have been on clomid and I have had surgeries to remove endometriosis scars from my uterus. For me I was not able to come to terms with our infertility until I was going through the Foster Care process. I used to would not admit to Anybody, even my Mom, how much I was hurting. I tried to not let anybody see that their joy caused me pain. When I started doing Foster Care classes they ask us if we had grieved over our infertility. It helped me so much to bring it out in the open and talk about it. I still have a huge ache inside, but becoming a Mom to our 3 year old foster daughter has been the most wonderful experience and has made me realize being a Mom is the important thing, not how you become a Mom. I think I will always have a hope every time I am a day late, but the pain has lessened. My husband is very supportive, but he is just happy to be a Dad no matter how it happens.
You are not alone. The tears I cry these days are for all of us because this forum has taught me that we are not alone.
Hugs to you and keep us updated on how you are feeling and what decisions you make.

You are so right. And I applaud you for doing foster care. I am not sure I could do it. What happens if you have to place her for adoption? Or are you going to adopt her?
I loved what you said about becoming a mother, no matter how it happens. That is the way I'm beginning to feel.

I have tried to express how I really felt to my friends and family, but when I first told them I downplayed it so they wouldn't be uncomfortable. So it's kind of too late now . But the pain is beginning to lessen everyday.

I am soooo happy to have found this forum. Feel free to pm me anytime!

Beth

Hi Beth & Wes -

Welcome, glad you have found a place for support, advice and friends, everyone here is so wonderful - even if you just need to vent!

I am still fairly new here, but so far everyone has been a huge help. All the advice you have already been given is perfect, there really isn't anything I could think of to add to it.

I don't know if the feelings of never experiencing pregnancy & childbirth ever really go away, and that's ok - it's normal! I have to agree with Nicky, they realized becoming parents is more important to them than becoming pregnant - I think I am at that point too.

Adoption can be a long, stressful process, but from what I've heard, it's worth it when you're baby comes home!!!! We haven't started the process yet, we've met with five agencies - we registered with the third agency we met with but their program is on hold and after feeling discouraged by staff, we decided to continue our search for a better fit.

Best of luck to you, congratulations on the loan and decision to adopt - hang in there!

Hugs,
Deb

Thanks for responding!
I am really being encouraged and I'm glad I have you guys.

I feel like it won't ever go completely away either, but I know that when they put that child in my arms, that'll be all she wrote!!

love,
Beth

Beth & Wes,

I agree with ladybuglady about taking the plunge with adoption if it is something you would like to do even while you grieve. My husband and I tried for 4 1/2 years to concieve. Though sometimes I still wish I could carry a baby, having my son now (who is adopted) means so much more to me than being pregnant. It helped ease the grieving process knowing we were trying to adopt at the same time. We knew then it wansn't IF we were going to have a child, it was WHEN. We decided it wasn't for us persuing other methods of trying to become pregnant. Our son feels like our own flesh and blood. I've posted the same comment before that I couldn't tell my heart that I didn't birth him. Don't be afraid to look into state adoption. Regardless of what you hear, there are healthy babies up for adoption and there are some risks, but there is really no cost involved in adopting them, and your attorney is usually paid for (not sure about all states). I would look into this as you are looking into private agencies as well. Just an idea. God bless you guys.

Melissa

Yes we have thought about state adoption, but so far, we've been told that here, (AL) the children start at age 7, and all have some type of disabilities or other problems. But maybe we will get further into it and find that's not always the case.

Thanks so much for the advice. I look forward to talking with you again!
Beth

Hello,
I live in Oregon. When you finish a homestudy in one state did you know you are able to try to adopt any "legally free" child in any of the states? (legally free, in case you may not know means parental rights have been terminated, our son became legally free at 3 months old). They are out there and I would be happy to give you more information if you want to contact me at mail2look@yahoo.com.