Theresa,

I know how you are feeling on wanting your own bio children. My husband and I wouldn't have it any other way for many years. For a long time I couldn't imagine anything but a child that looked like my husband, myself. You know we'd tell someone, we were infertile and they would say, just adopt. I'm going oh yeah, what a brilliant and unique idea you had, I'll do that tomorrow. It just wasn't that simple for us. It's been probably about three years now when we started to come to grips that our infertility was not going anywhere. I think it was my husband that first seriously mentioned that maybe we should look at adoption. He had met a co-worker that had two adopted sisters and she just loved them. Well, a couple of years went by, we moved to Seattle and my husband's step-sister invited us to her church. It was the first weekend since we'd moved from TX and all the pain associated there. During the service they announced two families that had just received their forever children, and my husband and I just cried. That's when we decided we should seriously look into adoption. Of course, the "hope" of a miracle was still rearing it's ugly head and my husband's granpa passed away and everything came to a standstill. This weekend we held a memorial for our two IVF children. It was a great experience to be able to "bury" them and consider ourselves no longer infertile, no more waiting for us. Since we've been back we've started to fill out our adoption application and should be finished with it by this weekend. It's super exciting.

Let me just say that this progress would not of happened if it wasn't for the "Adoption after Infertility" book. I recommend that you pick this book up, read the first three chapters and share it with your husband. Do the exercises and have your husband do them too, but don't share your results with him until he's had an opportunity to do his. Follow the directions. Be warned, this book threw us for a huge loop. There was so much we hadn't talked about and dealt with and we were both feeling very depressed for a couple of weeks. My husband is sitting next to me as I type this and wanted to make sure I warned you....

The book isn't for those that have already made a 100% decision about adoption, instead it's for those that don't know if adoption is what they should pursue due to infertility or if they should continue to pursue infertility. If you're feeling like you're on a bad roller coaster ride, then this book is for you. It helps you to take control of what's happening. I wish we had found this book 8 years ago. You may not be ready to adopt today, next year or ever and that's okay, the book will help you to really know why. You need to find out what's right for you and take control though. That's the toughest part.

I'll be praying for you,

Rosemary

Thank you so much for your reply. I just ordered a book also called Infertility: Finding Peace On Your Journey. I'll look into getting the book you suggested also. I am really trying to work through this and anything will help.

Thank you.

ok, maybe hubby and i are the exception to the rule, but even though we are in the process of adopting, due to infertility, we have not yet given up home that someday we will concieve. anyone else out there in that position? i am sure a lot of you may say that means that we have not come to terms with our infertility, but i think we have accepted the challenges of it. we have been ttc for 2 years, i have endometriosis, but everything else is fine....tried iui twice with no result and considered ivf, but decided to adopt instead. the bottom line for us is that we want a family, however, that family is formed is fine with us, we just want to be complete. but we still hope to concieve one day. we aren't pursuing assisted reproduction at this time, but we may do so again later on.

are we the only ones??

You are not the only ones. My husband and I hope that one day we will be blessed with oir adopted child as well as a biological one. We have friends that have infertility issues also. He has a low count and her eggs wouldnt get to maturity, they would shatter before they could. That is drastic. They adopted 2 then had their son, so it is not impossible. My husband and I have decided that after we adopt we will wait a couple of years and then try IVF.

You are not alone.

Nope, not alone with TTC & adoption vwbuggie78! Yes, I have experienced the ups & downs of trying for 3 years and suffering 2 miscarriages in bewteen. We are now going to move on to more Clomid, other prescriptions, as well as considering an IUI. But, we also attended our 1st interview with AASK- Arizona Adoption of Special Kids, and we are excited about seeking adoption of an older child through foster care. We are even considering a sibling group of 2. That does not mean I'm giving up our desire of experiencing pregnancy and giving birth to a bio-child. For us, adoption is a means of having the family we have always dreamed of. If by some grace of God, I become pregnant and carry this pregnancy, and at the same time we are approved for adoption, we'll be the luckiest people in the world to be blessed with more children! I wish all of you the very best

Sharon:

Just to let you know my experience... I was on clomid, but after two misscarriages, my doc told me it was not convenient to take it anymore as it increases the risk of misscarriages. Ask your doctor!

Pat

Thank you for your tip on the Clomid, Pat. I am not currently on it, and my gut feeling is that I may not get the prescription for it. But ya never know! I conceived angel #1 on my own, and angel #2 on 100 mg of Clomid. I'll have to wait and see what the dr. says, but I am very aware of the long-term and over-using risk! I appreciate your conern!

My Husband and I went through years of infertility. I had two surgeries and almost had an ovary removed. I was diagnosed with severe endometriosis and a luteal phase defect. I would lay awake at night and cry and ask God why do this to me.
One day I finally received my answer. We adopted our beautiful son in November from Russia. I know now that he was meant to be our child.
Just when things seem like the couldn't get any worse the Lord will give you your answer. Although I would have liked the experience of being pregnant I realize that your child is meant for you no matter how you come together.
We are so blessed to have him in our lives.

God Bless,

Vicki H

Hi -
I just came across this thread. My husband and I were lucky enough to adopt our daughter over 2 years ago after ending a couple of years of infertility treatments, including IVF/ICSI. So many of your thoughts and grief sound so familiar.

I agree with rgordon - as hard as it was sometimes to read Adopting After Infertility, it was one of the best things we did. It helped us pull our thoughts out of the turmoil of grief and figure out if adoption was right for us. It's an amazing resource.

The second was to read Dear Birthmother. Like many of you, I felt a lot of grief about losing the biological connection to our child. Dear Birthmother forced me to face that grief and take it on, before our daughter joined our family. I remember a few sessions of serious tears, but the experience really helped me to deal with the pain, anger, grief, ... I felt after going through the infertility treatments.

The most important thing anyone needs to do BEFORE adopting is face that grief and anger. If you can attend a support group, write a journal, work with a counselor, do it. Otherwise, you, your spouse and your child will deal with it later.

And so you know there's light at the end of the tunnel: we're not only happy now, but truly grateful for our infertility. Without it, we wouldn't have our beautiful daughter. We're in the process of adopting a 2nd, and I can't wait to meet him or her.

God bless to you all, and hang in there. It really will all work out in the end, whatever you're meant to do.

Thanks tmarchek, your words were really encouraging

Pat

I finally did it. When I went to the gyno yesterday for my annual, I asked him to put me on the pill. I should have been on it for the past four years (PCOS). My hormones are so out of wack and cancer is very prevolent and my family. I also have periods that cause me pain for at least two weeks a cycle. My DH and I did inftertility treatments (including IVF twice) for two years. When nothing worked we adopted our son. Now it is four years later and I am ready to say that I will never have any biological children. I was ok at the Dr.'s but am getting weepy typing this. I hate it when I give myself a pity party, but this just sucks. I have been doing the infertlity thing for so long that I should be used to this, but I guess not.

Michelle,
None of us ever gets used to it. It does suck, and it's okay to wallow in it for a while. You'll get past it when you're ready.

Hang in there.

Ladies, I feel like I have learned so much just by reading through everyone's posts. Adoption is something my DH & have always wanted. But on a personal side, I have this NEED to know what is wrong with my body. So, 2.5 weeks ago I had my first appt. with an RE. In that time, I have went through 3 procedures, and 2 more are scheduled. I know that in my heart adoption is the best route for us to go to become parents. The end result of adoption is a child, or children, should we adopt siblings. No one can guarantee a baby through fertility treatments, and we were asked to sign a waiver saying we are aware of this fact. Is it strange, odd, bizarre, or just unique to pursue both adoption and treatments at the same time?

DH and I sound like many of you...trying for many years and getting nowhere....numerous tests, medications, procedures, and losses...grief and anger that can drive a huge wedge in your marriage. In Oct 2002, after being physically and emotionally exhausted from all the setbacks, we went on a weekend getaway. Mainly to just relax, but we knew that we were at a point where a decision needed to be made and needed time and a neutral place to make it. Continue injections? Switch MDs? Pursue IVF? Adopt? I had lost faith in my RE and didn't want to go through more tests and felt we had wasted enought time. So, we made out decision that weekend to start the adoption process and never looked back.
Within weeks, people noticed a difference, that I was "happier" and "smiled more". I could see people with babies or pregnant and not want to scream, knowing that while I will always sort of miss the pregnancy experience, my baby was out there. Life became enjoyable again and there was a new sense of hope, something to finally look forward to, an eventual "sure thing". Our son was born in Feb 2004 and we couldn't be happier. DH and I don't think we could have done any better even if we had been able to have a biological child.
As for the future, I don't think that I could ever go back to infertility treatments for many reasons - do I want to go through all of it AGAIN? Do I want to go through it with a child in tow? If I did get pregnant with "assistance", how would I explain to my adopted son why I pursued treatment and not another adoption (some adopted children would feel as though they are just a substitute until the "real thing" comes along)? So, we will try another adoption starting next year and we can't wait to build our family that way.
For everyone still in that state of infertility limbo, know that, having been there, my thoughts and prayers are with all of you. While I never succeeded, I can now celebrate those who do.


P.S. Another good book is "Resolving Infertility" by the RESOLVE Group. Discusses both infertility treatments and other options.

I went through a similar experience as Icunurse´s, finally when i decided to adopt, my live got shinier.

Sharon, I think that it is a very personal decision and from my point of view it is valid to pursue both ways. I plan to adopt my first child and try to conceive the second one, but not with those heavy treatments such as IVF, I will use natural treatments such as bioenergetics,etc,, if it doesn´t work, then I will try to adopt my second.

Pat