I have never shared what I'm about to share with anyone in totality including our families and friends. They've known we've done some stuff to deal with infertility but we've pretty much have kept all the details to ourselves. Not that we thought they would be unsupportive, but they know that it's a very painful subject for us to talk about it. Plus, it's such a heavy burden, I just feel guilty sharing it with others.

We've been trying since our second year of marriage (12 yrs now), we will be married 14 yrs in June. I'm 34, he's 36. We've done numerous inseminations, and two IVF (ICSY) cycles. The drugs have done a nasty number on me, I now have nightly hot flashes, they said it would go away after a couple of months, they didn't and got Melasma, dark splotches on my face caused from too many hormones, (normally seen during pregnancy). A couple of years ago we tried donor insemination as well. Most of these (except for the initial inseminations) were done while we lived in TX. We moved to Flower Mound, since it's suburbia and filled with "complete" families. My hubby and I consider ourselves a pretty unique couple, we don't argue or fight, we just love being around each other and we're best friends. The only times we have ever had some serious fights were due to the infertility, to the point of discussing separation. Fortunately, there's no way we can live without each other. It would be like trying to excise a half of ourselves, we know that the only way we are complete is to be together. There's definitely an awareness of Covenant there . We started going to a local church in Grapevine, TX, we were soo excited, the pastor was young (30's) and had young kids. We thought this is where we want to raise a family, this church, this community. So, we started the IVF cycles. We got heavily involved in the church and eventually started leading a weekly bible study. There were at least two couples that didn't have children that attended, so we felt like we had something in common. We spent quite a bit of time with one of the couples socially since we had so much in common, even all of us being originally from another state. As time passed on, both of those couples became pregnant, almost within a month of each other. It was tough, because now they were spending more time with the other couples that had children. We couldn't blame them and understood. We felt like we fit in less and less though and at the same time trying to go through the hardships of the failed IVF cycles, which no one understood, or how excruciatingly painful they were emotionally. We were so lonely and hurt, that we moved from TX.

So, here we are a little over a year after moving and we are now exploring adoption. We contacted an adoption agency last year in TX, but didn't go very far. My hubby's grandfather had passed away in March and he was grieving heavily. Grandpa was an amazing man, so full of life but wasn't saved and that really hurt my hubby because he loved him so much and was closer to him than his father. I know he still thinks about him every day.

A couple of months ago I picked up a magazine on Adoption. There was a column in there that dealt with exploring adoption and mentioned several books to read in order to prepare. One book was called Adoption After Infertility. So, of course I went out and purchased it about three weeks ago. Unfortunately, it makes you deal with the infertility first. As close as we are after each failed attempt we would grieve in our own way and then we wouldn't really talk about it. What was there to say? After each failure, we would be in limbo for two to three years, healing our wounds and getting up the nerve to try something new. We did try counseling the last time, but maybe it was too soon, because it was too painful and we stopped going after two sessions. Anyway, the book walks you through several exercises and then there's a weekend getaway to decide on a plan of attack and setting of goals. For the last few weeks we've been having just a miserable time just thinking about this weekend. Lots of crying, lots of praying, but a part of it is knowing that we are closing the door on the fertility issue. In order to move on we have to acknowledge that we will never have a child that we made together and it is just heart breaking. For me, I've always wanted to be pregnant. I remember the first time I felt that way, I was about 14 years old and my mom and I were stopped at a red light, I saw a pregnant lady walking through the crosswalk, and I thought, wow, she's so beautiful, I can't wait until the day I'm pregnant. For my hubby his grandfather had two male children, my hubby's uncle committed suicide when he was very young, and his dad only had one child, so he's the last one in his Grandpa's line, so the lineage stops with him. No one to carry the name of the man he really loved, the one with the wry sense of humor and crazy eyebrows . Fortunately for me, he was a good looking man and my hubby does resemble him and unfortunately, he also inherited the crazy eyebrows, which the salon he goes to does a great job of trimming down .

If you are a praying person, please pray for:

Healing for pain/hurt/burden associated with the infertility.
The choices we will be discussing and creating a plan of attack on and setting goals around which will be either adoption or child free living. We need His guidance and a clear indication on which way He wants us to go and feel relief/joy by whatever the decision happens to be that it's coming from Him.

My family history is infertility. My sister knew that at 12 years old her chances were zero to none. At 22 it was none. She adopted. Although she admits that she would have liked to be pregnant, and she misses that experience, the twins she adopted have made that a "nice to have". That is a small point in her life but her adopted twins are a forever.

I am currently adopting a child a Russia. Also again infertility. Why why why.....never really got an answer until we saw the orphange in Russia. If it were possible, we would have taken them all home. We now knew why. We were meant to make a difference in another person's life. If we had been able to have a child of our own, this little girl may not have had the bright future that she is now facing.

I hope that you find closure and are able to move on in your life's journey. A little person may just be waiting for your to change their life.

PLG

I feel for you and will be praying for you during your decision. My husband and I are in the process of adopting after infertility so I know where you are coming from. We have had 2 failed attempts at adoptions as well (both birthmothers changed their minds right before we were to receive the babies) and this is our third birthmom we are dealing with. My husband and I are very active in our church as well, and the members there have been VERY supportive during our difficult times. Praying has really helped us get through. My husband and I are very supportive of each other and we are working through the difficult times together. We will keep you in our prayers as well. Good luck in your decision.

One Christmas while my wife and I were going through the infertility issues, my wife opened a present from her grandparents that was for both of us. Inside was a baby toy. While I know they were using it as a joke and pretty much had no idea what we were going through, they did know we had been trying to conceive. I still have not gotten over the sting that it caused.

We went through all the tests and were never told what was wrong. The best I can figure is that it was a combination of both of us having problems. We did everything except for the IVF. My wife didn't feel her body could take that much stress and our health ins. didn't cover it. We figured the cost of the IVF and adoption was about the same and there was no guarantee with IVF. We knew there was no guarantee with adoption, but we stood a better chance. As I was adopted at birth, this was never "weird" or "unnatural" as some have to overcome. (Not saying this is everyone)

The worst part, as rgordon alluded to, is seeing how easy others can get pregnant. My sister and brother-in-law would decide to try and within 3 mos., boom, pregnant.

I had always wanted to be a father. However, after 7 yrs of trying and waiting to adopt, I had all but given up. 1 day while at home alone, I decided that even though I worked overnights on Sundays, we were going to start going to church on a more regular basis. Less than 2 weeks later, we got the call that a pbm wanted to talk to us. The first one in the entire 2+ yrs waiting. We were chosen at that meeting. We were going to be parents.

What I am saying at the end is, don't give up. Stay with church. I truly believe that God had finally put us in the position in life where we were ready for the child he had chosen for us. I was 32 and my wife was 33. God loves you and has a child waiting for you. Our prayers are with you. Good luck.

CeraDad, thanks for making my day. Your post brought tears to my eyes.

I have finally emerged from the haze and pain of infertility to realize that we can ABSOLUTELY be parents, through adoption. It is exciting and hopeful, and for the first time in a looong time, I feel connected to God again.

Thanks for reminding me of the big picture.

God bless you and your family!

Thank you all for all your kind words and encouragement. It was very hard to write all that out, I felt very exposed afterwards. But, it really did bring me some relief in doing so, and especially knowing that you had all experienced this at one point or another. And a BIG Thank you for your prayers as well.

I really want to adopt and parent and I know my husband does too, but he's tired of the pain and loss of control that we've experienced for so many years now. Part of him would rather pursue childfree living in order to just get on with life, which I can respect. Either way, this weekend will be conclusive as to what we are going to do as a family moving forward. I know God is going to lead us in the right direction.

God Bless you!

rgordon

I feel your pain. Of seeing pg women, of people you are friends with suddenly, you have less in common, that people could use the same soap and get pregnant. Its hard but it gets easier.

Keep your faith close to you. God had already decided what he wants for you. It is about the child, not about you. I believe that God gave us the inferility issue because all the love we have for a child is supposed to go to a child that otherwise wouldn't have that love.

Even though the child is not born unto you, this child is one that is born in your heart.

You are strong. You will get through this. You have taken the 1st step in exploring adoption. It is the hardest step to take and you are past that. We are all here for you.

I am a stong advocate for adoption and if I can be a shoulder to cry on or a fountain of information for anyone, then that is what I want to be.

You didnt mention where you had moved to but I am in NY and am adopting in TX through a referral of someone who adopted her son & daughter. If you are interested and would like to contact me I will be MORE than happy to give you the information about my agency or anything else.

God Bless

Alison

Thank you for the kind words. This is why I like this forum, it's a way for people to share their feelings and receive encouragement and support from others who have gone through the same thing. When you are going through it, it seems like you are on an island and no one can possibly understand what you are going through. Luckily for my wife and I, my mother went through the same processes 24 yrs before us. She ended up adopting my sister and I (different bparents). So we could talk to her about the infertility and the adoption process. Keep in mind God is with you.

I am sorry you have gone through so much pain. I know how it is and how it feels ´cos I have had a similar experience...

We have a group of 10 very close friends, they all married 2 or 3 years after us and they all!!!!!!!!!! have more than 1 kid. I suffered every pregnancy they had (I was happy for them, but at the same time it reminded me that I was not able to conceive).

This forum has helped me a lot! Sometimes it feels nice to just tell the world how you are feeling, and It is nice to share your feelings with people that has experienced the same too.

Remember that you have options! adoption could be a beautiful one.

Hugs and good luck

Dear RGordon,

My husband and I have been trying for 5 years. We are just like you guys...best friends and never fight! We always dreamed of the pregnancy experience too, but it never happened. We, like you, are one of the only couples in church without kids. It hurts very bad to see all the little family units.

We came to a decision last month to move forward with adoption. Very scaring b/c nobody in our families has experienced this. We are done being disappointed every month. We just signed on with an agency and are planning for our new arrival sometime at the end of the year.

Keep the faith and know that the Lord knows what is best. I have prayed many prayers asking for a clear direction and He gave it to us last month. Not only are we fulfilling our parenting dream, we are following His command to take care of the poor and orphaned. Look at adoption as an exciting opportunity to make a difference in the world, both here and in eternity.

God Bless and May the Lord Show You the Path to Take!

JMT

I am so glad I found this forum. My husband and I had been trying about 2 years when we found out I was unable to conceive. We were told about IVF, but it was never a road we wanted to take. We always said adoption would be the way we want to go. After finding out we couldn't by the doctors standards I still wanted to believe that God would bring us miracle. I know, if it's His will, we will be pregnant. After a couple years of that the hope and belief tend to fade away. I even thought we received a 'word' from God that we would. Someone also came to me and said the Lord had put it on her heart to pray for me to have kids. This was after I was beginning to question if that word was for me. But its been still a couple more years and nothing. I think I know we will have to pursue adoption but its killing me to do so. My husband has accepted the fact we may never have our own and he's okay with it. I have felt so alone even in talking with him. He doesn't know what to do. I have a step-mom who has been more like a mom to me than my birth mom. She doesn't understand because in her mind she has adopted us and our family has always been one that 'adopted' people so-to-speak into our hearts and home. Everyone seems to think we would be the good ones to adopt.

If I look at adoption as a way to help out someone in need I seem to be fine. If I look at in a way that this our child, our baby I can't. I know in my head that I will love deeply any child we have. But to love them as my own...I don't know. In my heart its not my own. And its devastating still to me. I'm not sure how to get past that. I almost want to say to heck with having kids altogether. In my pain and anger I would almost rather give up altogether and not even have kids. My husband, the great man that he is, would accept and be willing to do that. But I told him I could never ask him to sacrifice that. He wants so much to have a family. He sees families out together and wants that for himself. I wouldn't feel right with allowing him to do that for me. So I'm basically in this boat alone and know that I have to deal with and get past these issues. But how do you get past that pain of not having a child that comes from you? I never know how to explain to people but watching these new parents and how people just swarm over them and everyone is talking about who the baby looks like and just that stuff. I hate and its hard. I want that. How do you get over it?

Finally I've found this forum and it has been good, but also I'm going to try this support group through Resolve. Its an infertility thing. Hopefully that will help me through all this. I wanted to seek some sort of counseling but that seemed to be the only place here in Colorado at this point. Unless any of you know of any other options. I need prayer also. Thanks for listening.

I totally understand where you are coming from! There have been times when I just thought, forget about having kids. But then, at the special times throughout the year (holidays, etc.) it's like, we are really missing out. Nobody quite understands like those of us who are feeling the effects of childlessness. I was leafing through a book about infertility and it said that before you adopt, you will go through a "grieving" stage. It said that it was healthy to be sad about not having a bio child, it is a major loss. However, rescueing a child from a life of poverty and hardship far outweighs the sadness.

I just signed the papers to begin adopting a girl from Russia. We don't know who she is yet, but we are praying hard for her already! At least with adoption, there is an end result. I was sooooo tired of being disappointed for five years, that is 60 times that my dreams were defeated! Both me and my husband have infertility issues of our own (me endometriosis) and he has bad morphology. It stinks, but you know what? We have finally taken a step forward to achieving something, a family.

God bless you on your journey~
JMT

As an adoptee and adoptive father, I hope I have misunderstood your post. We, also, had to go through the pain and frustration of infertility and seeing everyone around us seemingly getting pregnant w/o even trying. You said that you "think you know that you will HAVE to adopt but it is killing you". Please, PLEASE for the sake of yourself and a future child, go to the support group and see about working this out.

Do not adopt to "help someone out", or to ensure your husband has a family to do things with. These are examples of adopting to fullfill something missing in the aparents lives. Instead, you need to be thinking about the child. The child is the MOST important person in the adoption triangle. A child will know, even unconciously, if they are in a family where they are a "thing" or chattle instead of a valued member. My wife and I talked long and hard that we were looking to adopt a child, but that when we were to talk to a pbmom, she had to understand that we wanted to adopt, but she had to make the decision for the child. Not for us or even for her. She had to decide that the child MUST come first in any and all decisions. This is a lifetime decision for all involved and if the match is not right, don't make it.

I am not trying to attack you on this forum. I am simply hoping and praying that you take a little time to decide what is right for you. Please do not make a decision until you have gone to the support group and make sure that you want a child. Adoption is a beautiful and wonderful option. I could not be more happy or proud to be my daughters father if she were my bio child. If you adopt, your child needs the same feelings from both parents. Adoption can cause so many feelings in a child growing up, please don't add being a sacrifice as one of them.

I am praying for you and know that God will help you through this decision. He has a plan. Try not to jump too far ahead of him. I know this is hard, but please try.

I do hate to say that you didn't misunderstand my post. I never in my life thought I would adopt. I know its a great and beautiful option but it isn't one I ever wanted to ever consider. My husband and I would talk about being foster parents because he has such a heart for the kids who have had a rough life. He works with the youth at our church.

I am planning to attend the support group because I know this needs to be an all or nothing deal. I admit I haven't really thought about the child at this point and how unconsiously they would pick up on my feelings. But I do know that I have to 100% want this and not just for the sake of my husband. That is why this has been so hard for me and thinking about the child makes it even harder. I've been, at this point, trying to deal with my feelings. If I can't get past that I won't be able to have my own then I know I can't adopt. I hope that doesn't offend you as an adoptee, but...I don't know what else to say.

I am honestly trying to work through this and that is why I'm using these forums and I am going to go to a support group.

Thanks for your reply.

You do not have to worry about offending me. I have gone through the same feelings with infertility as you have. As I stated, I simply wish for you to think this through and go to the support group. Even after the support group, if you decide not to adopt, then that is God's plan for you. I know it is difficult and do not worry about how people will respond to your posts. If this forum helps you out, then keep posting. If nothing else, by "talking" with adoptees, you may find that it is what you have been looking for.

Again, I will keep you in my prayers and good luck. Please keep us posted.