As an adoptee myself I always thought it would be great to adopt at least one child in addition to having at least one born to me.

We've been TTC for 18 months now with no success. I think I'd be willing to take it as far as IVF if we need to. But I am wondering whether I shouldn't also go ahead with the adoption process. I know that whether or not I ever get pg, I want to adopt.

My question is this: do you think it's necessary to get to the end of the fertility route before starting the adoption process? Could it be harmful to any adopted child I have if I am already parenting him/her while going through IVF, or finding out I can't ever be pg, and having to grieve for that?

Since I want to adopt anyway would there be any problem with going ahead with that? I would love to hear your wisdom on that.

thanks!

WE ALSO KNEW WE WANTED TO ADOPT BECAUSE MY HUSBAND WAS ADOPTED AND IT WAS VERY IMPORTANT TO HIM. AFTER HAVING 2 MISCARRIAGES WE DECIDED TO STOP TREATMENT AND START THE ADOPTION PROCESS. WE NOW HAVE A BEAUTIFUL 23 MONTH OLD SON WHOM WE BROUGHT HOME FROM KAZAKHSTAN IN AUGUST 2003. EVEN BEFORE WE TRAVELED I WENT BACK TO THE DOCTOR FOR HELP TRYING TO CONCEIVE (I HAVE PCOS AND DON'T OVULATE ON MY OWN) WE HAD NO LUCK IN MARCH AND NOT KNOWING FOR SURE WHEN WE'D BE ALLOWED TO LEAVE FOR KAZ I DECIDED TO WAIT. THEN IN SEPTEMBER I WAS READY TO TRY AGAIN. I WAS PREGNANT IN OCTOBER BUT WENT INTO LABOR ON FEBRUARY 16 AND OUR SON WAS BORN TOO EARLY AT JUST 20 WEEKS ON THE 18TH. I KNOW OUR ADOPTED SON COULD NEVER BE LOVED ANYMORE THAN HE IS AND WOULD NEVER BE PUSHED AWAY IF HAVE OUR BIOLOGICAL CHILD SOME DAY. THE DAY THEY HANDED ME OUR SON AT THE ORPHANAGE WAS ONE OF THE HAPPIEST DAYS OF OUR LIVES. I LOVED HIM IMMEDIATELY AND WILL ADOPT AGAIN IF WE DON'T GET PREGNANY AND CARRY TO FULL TERM THE NEXT TIME.

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby. I can't imagine the pain you have gone through. Thanks for taking the time to reply to me!

Christine,

Some people feel they need to do all they can first, and others can let go more easily. My husband and I went through IVF with ICSI twice before we were ready to say no more. My sister and her DH decided not to try IVF at all. We both have wonderful children through adoption and are glad that we did all we felt comfortable with before adopting. I never wanted to ask "what if" and feel comfortable with the way we went about making a family.

LOSING CHRISTIAN WAS THE HARDEST THING WE'VE EVER HAD TO DEAL WITH BUT I TRULY THINK IT WILL MAKE ME A STRONGER PERSON. THERE'S NOT A DAY THAT GOES BY THAT I DON'T CRY AND THINK ABOUT HIM BUT I HAVE TO BELIEVE THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON. I THINK IF I WOULD HAVE BEEN ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO CONCEIVED EASISLY AND WENT ON TO HAVE HEALTHY BABIES I WOULDN'T HAVE WANTED TO ADOPT BECAUSE IT IS EXPENSIVE AND THE TIME WAITING WAS HARD. I CAN'T IMAGINE MY LIFE WITHOUT KEATON. HE'S MADE US A FAMILY AND I CAN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT NOT HAVING HIM NOW. ADOPTING HIM WAS THE SMARTEST THING WE'D DONE BUT I VOW TO GIVE HIM A BROTHER OR SISTER SOME DAY. FOLLOW YOUR HEART AND I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK.

My husband and I were trying to concieve as well as trying to adopt. Which ever way got us a child first was fine with us. We wanted biological and adopted children however, before our son was placed with us we found we were infertile (we suspected we were after over a year of trying). It was difficult to learn this but the fact we were on the adoption track helped a great deal knowing we wouldn't be starting all over again on a different path. We got our son 4 months later. I can't imagine if we'd decided to not take the adoption path while still trying to conceive, we may have waited a lot longer.

Melissa

WHEN I FOUND OUT I HAD PCOS I DIDN'T ASSOCIATE BEING INFERTILE WITH IT AND I STILL DON'T. I KNOW CONCEIVING AND CARRYING A BABY ISIN'T EASY BUT I ALSO KNOW IT'S POSSILE FOR ME TO CONCEIVE AND WITH OUR LAST BABY IT WAS A CORD ACCIDENT THAT TOOK HIS LIFE. OUR BAD LUCK HAS TO END SOME DAY AND I'M WILLING TO CONTINUE TREATMETN UNTIL WE'RE SUCCESSFUL IN ADDING ANOTHER CHILD TO OUR FAMILY. JUST A WEEK BEFORE CHRISTIAN WAS BORN A SAID I WAS AFRAID OF NOT LOVING THE BABY I WAS CARRYING AS MUCH AS I LOVE OUR ADOPTED SON KEATON. THAT LITTLE BOY MEANS SO MUCH TO US AND EVERYONE ELSE WHO KNOWS HIM BUT I ALSO LOVED CHRISTIAN FROM THE MOMENT WE LEARNED I WAS PREGNANT AND THE LOVE JUST GOT STRONGER WHEN THEY HANDED HIM TO ME. I'D ADOPT AGAIN WITHOUT THINKING TWICE BUT I ALSO HAVE TO START THE SHOTS AND ALL THE APPOINTMENTS VERY SOON TO TRY FOR A BIOLOGICAL BABY. I REFUSE TO LET INFERTITLTY KEEP US FROM HAVING A BROTHER OR SISTER FOR KEATON.

Thanks everyone for your replies. You've really encouraged me to pursue adoption again. I always presumed I would have biological kids before adopted ones (mainly because making biological ones is generally less expensive!) but I'm readjusting to the idea that the adopted ones will be the older ones. I'm getting excited about it again, and so is DH.

I appreciate you sharing your stories - thank you!

CatCanada

I think that whether you should pursue adoption and Infertility treatments at the same time is a very personal choice. I think that (in hindsight... both having gone through Infertility and adopting) I would say that it depends on what kind of adoption you are thinking about. Many domestic infant adoption agencies want you to have completed your infertility work before moving on to adoption, as they want to be sure you have "dealt" with all of the issues involved with infertility and adoption. (Then again, how would they know if you were continuing). Domestic infant adoption can take 1 - 2 years (maybe sooner). If you are considering adopting through the state social service system, the wait can be much longer for an infant 2-3 years, so if that is what you are thinking about I would start it right away. International adoption can take 9-18 months depending on country.

All in all, I would say that if you can emotionally at least do the leg work and determine what agency, what program etc... while TTC you may feel that you had not lost any time while attempting, and perhaps you would even feel comfortable if you applied to the agency at that time. I know for my DH and myself, we were TTC with infertility treatments (towards the end of those) we started looking into adoption. It took about 4 months to figure out what method, agency etc.. to use and after our last failed attempt I was glad I could move forward to adoption right away - 9 months later we had our son.

This time (2nd adoption) we have been waiting almost 1 1/2 years and wish we had started sooner.

Its a personal decision .... but if you can handle the research part of it, you might be that much ahead of the game.

Best
bumpkin

Christine, I also agree about it being a personal decision as to how far a couple goes down the TTC "roller coaster" before pusuing adoption. For my husband, he had always wanted to consider adoption, since he is an adoptee himself. But we never imagined that after 3 year and 2 miscarriages, we would find ourselves in the position of adopting to build a family. We are exciting about it and our agency does not discourage couples to stop trying to conceive or show evidence of infertility. As far as infertility treatments, we may consider an IUI, and I will be calling to set up an appointment with a specialist. If we do decide on the IUI, and it fails, that's the end of the line for us! Good luck to you!

Christine and you all:

I´m really very happy to see how many of you have the same experiences that me and to be able to talk with you about this. I thought my experience was not very common. I went through infertility porblems and treatments and when I thought it was enough (after four years) I went through adoption. We adopt a two months old little girl and a year later I got pregnant, after a difficult pregnancy I gave birth to a baby girl. Now, after seven years I have my two daughters and love them very much. It was not been easy to get here, but now we try to do our best for them and we are very happy to have them, as you can imagine. What I´m tryng to say is that things happen, maybe in ways you don´t expect at first, but sooner or later they happen. Maybe, as us, in a few years you´re going to see all this as something very far away in your past.
The best for you and hugs, Clo

Have either of you gone to a doctor about your fertility? We weren't sure if we would do IVF, but we made sure to explore all of our options. We then decided just to pursue adoption. Many, but not all, agencies do not want you to be pursuing both - if you get pregnant they will usually put a hold on the adoption process.

Our agency had us have our RE complete a form stating that we have completed infertility treatments and it was brought up in our interviews with the social worker. We completed (without success) numerous rounds of injectible meds and stopped short of IVF. We got to the point that our lives rotated aroung shots, labs, and false hope and we were miserable. As soon as we decided to stop treatments, he felt a wave of relief. But probably some of the best feelings were when we finally shared to people that we were going to try and adopt...they were so happy for us, whcih gave us a little boost of encouragement that we really needed.
While the adoption process was frustrating, it was great to start and plan a life with a ababy - you know it will happen eventually. I wasn't afraid to buy a toy or outfit and the planning made time move faster. We made more attempts to take trips and do things around the house because "money will be tighter when there's a baby here".
Now, this is my personal opinion and I'm not judging anyone who thinks otherwise, but I'm not a big believer in TTC after adoption. I think if you can get pregnant "on your own", then fine. But knowing how emtional the attempts were, how icky they made you feel, and having been placed on bedrest at one point, I think it would affect my son too much. Also, how could I ever explain to him that, though he was the answer to our prayers, we felt we had to keep trying for a biological child. (When we look at our son, we think we couldn't have done better biologically). I spoke with an adoptee about this and she agreed - she said she would have felt like she was being used to fill the void until the "real" child came along.
Anyway, good luck with whatever path you choose. And know that, no matter what - you are not alone.

Originally posted by Ktates
Have either of you gone to a doctor about your fertility? We weren't sure if we would do IVF, but we made sure to explore all of our options. We then decided just to pursue adoption. Many, but not all, agencies do not want you to be pursuing both - if you get pregnant they will usually put a hold on the adoption process.

I think I am a unique case because I am currently under the care of an RE, and seeking adoption at the same time. We made it known to our agency at our first interview. We are not hiding anything. I think because we are adopting through the state foster care system, and are seeking an older child, we were not turned down. Simple stated: we want to become parents. To be honest, I'd be very offended if I was told I could NOT adopt simply because I am seeing an RE. Fertility treatments cannot guarantee a child, but adoption can! Good luck to all!

We did both IVF and adoption, it is challenging now, 3 kids. The agency we used that let us do treatments doesn't do adoptions anymore. Many agencies don't let you do both at same time.

As for treatments, you will know when enough is enough. Funny you start out saying to yourself "I'll do that, but not that", a few years later "I'll do anything", more time goes by and you say 'that's it". It's a process, good luck, it's gonna be ok.