Hi

Was this the decision any of you have made?
At 39 with 1 IVF cycle with poor response, a m/c after seeing the heartbeat and 2 earlier m/cs this is our current decision.
DH and I are both torn and keep changing our minds - just not on the same day....
I am afraid that with DE I will be reminded of my loss constantly. And we are afraid that with adpotion we will both be reminded of our loss.
Any input from people who have made this choice - either via posts or PM - would be appreciated.

The indecisive one

I'm really sorry that I can't offer any advice to you since I am not in your position. I just wanted to offer you peace and happiness, in whatever you and your DH decide.

Hi JShelley,

I can't imagine the pain you've gone through so I thought I would share an inspiring story.

I have a friend that tried for several years to conceive with the help of modern medicine and it never worked.

The good news is they just received their very own bio baby boy. They were fortunate enough to find a surrogate mother. He is happy, healthy and theirs! They don't need to worry about a bio mom changing her mind after delivering. The baby legally and biologically is theirs.

In hindsight, they wished they had tried this route so much sooner. They have other friends that were waiting to adopt and several of them had birth mothers change their mind. (which they are entitled to do) Anyway, it worked out great for them.

Perhaps it is worth looking into?

I'm sorry you & your spouse are having difficulty coming together on a decision. I have been in your situation in the past and the decision was made to move forward with adoption (after a lot of counseling and research). It was the best decision we ever made. I don't mean the following words to be harsh, but just something to keep in mind or think about. You have to make a decision on what your main goal is. And, the main goal is to parent a child. You have to move beyond the fact that the child may not be biological and more important, that you may not carry the child. You will never completely heal from those facts; but, should this keep you from your ultimate goal? Your feelings for a child whether biological or adopted will not be different (I can guarentee that!). I would suggest counseling to heal the emotional surface wounds and learn to deal with this loss. I, at times, will forget that my child is adopted vs. biological as I feel so connected to him. Adoption is a means to a goal not what the child is! The child is still a child that needs love, emotional caring and support. People sometimes forget that having and raising children is not for the benefit, joy or NEED of the adult but it is about the children. The children are the priority not the parents' feelings or emotions. Again, I hope this wasn't taken harshly, that was not the intention. If you have any further questions, feel free to contact me at my email address.

For me the answer was purely practical. We would only pursue egg donation if there was a money back guarantee. We could not afford to loose tens of thousands of dollars on tx and still afford an adoption. With flat fee agencies or many international adoptions you are pretty much guaranteed to end up with a baby. Now that baby won't have your wit or your dh's dimples. That baby won't have grown under your heart and breastfeeding is more complicated but when it came down to it I wanted a baby more than I wanted to be pg and with limited resources I couldn't try both.

lisa

I agree with lisa in venice also in that the cost has to be a practical reasoning in the decision process as well. Surrogacy and/or egg donation is extremely expensive and there isn't a guarentee. If there was, wouldn't everyone in our position choose that? On the flip side, there is enough research out there that proves that adopted children do take on the traits (to varying degrees) of their adopted parents (physical as well as emotional). I have already seen that in my child. Also, I have an older adopted nephew that is exactly like my brother in law. I have seen this over and over in my personal life. There may be situations where this is disproven; but, even biological children can be totally different than their parents as well as other siblings. So, who can say for sure that your own biological child could have been all that you dreamed of?

We chose adoption over egg donation. I was uncomfortable with my husband having a bio child with the egg of a woman I'll never meet, it just felt really strange, he should only be having a bio child with me, I had really weird emotions about this, even felt jealous that he'd be having a bio child and I wouldn't. Also money was a factor, what if I conceived then miscarried, I was so worried that I thought the stress of the financial burden would cause stress on the pregnancy, in all the thought of an egg donor and the cost was to stressfull for me, that led us to our only other option, adoption. It was the greatest blessing of our lives, we have a wonderfull 3 year old son adopted in 2001 from Russia, he was 8 months old at the time of the adoption and is the dream child we always hoped for. Good luck on your decision.

...since my husband and I didn't deal with any infertility issues -- we chose to adopt as our primary way to grow our family.

That said, especially since as I type this, my little 3-month old girl is asleep in my arms, I'd bet you a million dollars that once you look into that sweet little face, no matter how you got him/her, the only thing you'll be reminded of us how much you love the little squirt.

Best of luck, whatever you decide.

K.

Once you do reach a decision, I think it's really important to never look back, even if the adoption seems to be taking forever or whatever the circumstances.

I can't relate to your feelings about re-experiencing your loss. In all my struggles with infertility, I never became pregnant even one time. That's what helped us reach a decision; clearly we're not meant to have biological children.

We made our decision by sitting down and discussing it like a business decision, leaving our emotions and ego out of it. We have $20,000. Let's be honest, we'll never be able to save that much again so we only have on chance to make the right choice. How can we best use our resources and end up happy?? Adoption is the decision we came to.

I hope this helps, but it's just words. You'll make the right choice!!

I know this is an old thread, but I am starting to have "doubts" maybe that is too strong of a word---but I am wondering if I should consider DE. We are very very lucky to have a beautiful 3 year old son through ICSI. Since then we have had 2 failed IVFs, 3 DIUIs, I pg on our own ( ended in m/c) and now I am 42-1/2 with high fsh and it seems that time has run out. I have an adopted sister and I always thought I would adopt and I was even in favor of adopting instead of the first ICSI that produced our son. I had such a wonderful experience with that PG and with bf after etc., that I was hooked. I really wanted another bio child. I thought I was totally ready to adopt and then I ran into someone who just had a DE baby ( after a bio child that looks just like her bio child) and it made me have "doubts".

How do I resolve this? I am afraid of another failure---emotionally ( not that financially it would be great either---but I am more worried about the emotinal side). DE is not guaranteed. My clinic found a Donor that they say could be my sister and has the same unusual ethic mixture as I do. I just don't know----

Any advice?????
thanks,
Lexie

[pinkdreamin]

What did you decide? I am there now. One son 15 is mine. Married dh, after clomid got ds now 6. 2 failed IVF, been trying to adopt a girl for 3.5 years. Last sat, daughter of a friend offered to donate eggs. I am now 44, 45 in Dec. DH would love to have another bio. This way all our kids would be related by half. All the old emotions are boiling up again. Not to mention the tummy tuck I had 3 years ago when we gave up treatments.
So what happened?

Well I found a really good donor and I was strongly leaning in that direction when I found out I was PG. It was a total surpirse. My joy ended last week when I mc at 10wks. The only good thing that I can say that has come out of it all is that I am settled that I do not want to be pg again. I have had 2 mc since I had my son. I was so nervous everyday that I was pg. I do not want another emotional roller-coaster. Right now I too drained to come back to adoption right away---but I think I will in a few months time. I want to know that there is a baby at the end. I am not up to trying any more.

For me the decision is now emotional. I'm done rolling the dice.
Good luck,
Lexie

[TuggleThomas]

Once you are tired of the infertility roller coaster it is time to step off. Give yourself time to relax, breathe, and grieve the loss of not having a biological child. Then when you are ready--jump on the adoption roller coaster. At times it can be just as stressful and frustrating as trying to conceive--however, the end result is magical. When I listen to my daughter laugh or see her smile--I am overcome with emotion--that we were blessed to be her parents. And while you may not be able to see your husband's eyes reflecting back at you--you will be amazed how much of she will reflect you--your mannerisms, your attitude, your love.

Thanks--
Although I am still not over the pain of the MCs ( I am not sure I will ever be) and I moving forwrad with adoption and it gives me something to look forward to and something to hope for--