Given the description of the couple at the beginning of this thread, I have serious doubts as to whether they are capable of getting on with their lives if this doesn't work for them, especially since they could not even agree on their own whether or not to attempt further infertility treatments. That marriage is in jeopardy. While a child would introduce a new and wondrous relationship into their family equation, the existing marital relationship is in need of some serious and immediate nurturing itself, which should take precedence.

By the time we decided to adopt, we had already been through quite a bit of counseling. We had consciously gotten angry at, cried over, discussed, thought through and analyzed our situation, as I'm sure many readers here have. Nowhere is there any mention of counseling even being offered to this couple. They have been set up to fail. I find that unconscionable.

There is a tremendous difference between our spending during the course of our adoption and the spending others do on IVF. Our child was already here. The contest was not initiated until after he was placed with us. Had the contestor simply spoken up before placement, there would have been no contest, as we were prepared for that possibility. We treated the contest almost like a catastrophic childhood illness; when your child is ill you do whatever is necessary to provide appropriate medical treatment. The "doctor" in this case simply happened to be a judge.

My criticism of IVF repeaters being emotionally unhealthy has more to do with knowing one's own limits than anything else. Again, "when is enough, enough?" We went into our infertility treatments having discussed and agreed upon exactly how far we were willing to take it. We stopped when we reached that limit. We approached adoption similarly equipped with understood limits. We were prepared, reluctantly, to have remained childless had we reached those limits.

While my perspective obviously hasn't met with much agreement here, I think that we do all share the experience of anger at our respective infertilities. Even those of us who have worked through it at length acknowledge that it never goes away completely. I may not support all responses to it, but I am sympathetic to those who have to deal with it.

After many years of trying every means of fertility treatment available, regardless of the financial costs (well into the six figure range, with NO regret), my dh and I made the decision of when enough was enough. With us, everything worked and I miscarried seven times. After so long I couldn't take the "let's try this and see if it keeps you pg approach, after all it worked with someone else". My body and my psyche had had enough.

After some time to heal from the failure that I thought I was, my husband and I had a very long and frank discussion about what was really important to us, biology or parenting. This should be a very very honest discussion. For some biology is truly the answer. For others parenting is the answer. One is not more correct or noble or desirable than the other. Should adoption be the direction you follow it should be done so with the attitude of this IS what I want NOT what I am settling for.

Adoption as a process is just as terrifying and frightening as all the infertility is. They emotions felt during each are very similar: what will happen during the homestudy, will anyone pick us, how are our friends and family going to react, what do I say to this person that has just chosen us to parent their child, will they they like us, what if I stick my foot in my mouth, will the birthparents change their minds. This can be a very short process if you are extremely lucky or it can be long one.

When you hold that adopted newborn in your arms for the first time it is very similar to the feeling you have when you see the heartbeat on the ultrasound for the first time. The joy is undescribable. The fear with these same situations is also very similar. Will I carry this baby to term (not will it be healthy), will this baby be reclaimed?

For some people this is the journey to parenthood. Not quite the visions we had growing up. The outcome however it is achieved is equally joyful, we are parents.

And just for the record, we are the adoptive parents of the most terrific three year old daughter that God ever created, AND the biological (SURPRISE) parents of the most terrific 1 1/2 year old daughter that God ever created. Additionally, we have been thru two failed adoption attempts and are currently awaiting the birth of our, hopefully, next child in four weeks thru adoption again.

None of this easy and money is not what drives any of us. We choose what to do with our money whether is be fertility treatments or adoption or something else.

Lovingfamilyforus, Thank you for posting and still adding more light on the subject. I am so sorry about your losses in the past.

As you know, every adoption is different. So when you write,

"When you hold that adopted newborn in your arms for the first time it is very similar to the feeling you have when you see the heartbeat on the ultrasound for the first time." please remember that not everyone is adopting a newborn. We have decided the best way to build a family is to adopt older kids from foster care. To us it was like a calling to give those kids permanent, forever homes. This is part of my own personal grieving process that I am still working through. I will never get to hold a newborn baby of my own and bond from the moment the baby is born. In fact, my future kids may never bond with us in the way normal way and may require years of therapy. But I am still happy that this is the way we have chosen to build our family. I don't feel like I am settling at all. Just different ways to adopt!

Adoption is a cure for childlessness not a cure for infertility. I only started infertility treatment AFTER adopting twice. We tried for five years on and off working our way up from IUI to IVF/ICSI. In the begining of our journey we had decided that IVF was too far to go but as we progressed in the process our bounderies were pushed farther back.

I have no regrets about that sad time, I needed to go thru it. I needed to take the chance on achieving a pg. When we give up on biological parenting we give up on more than just putting our genetic stamp on the next genereation. We give up our privacy, we give up control over our children's prenatal enviornment, we give up breastfeeding (although you don't have too). Many of us give up paernting "norm" children or children of our own race and ethnic background. When I was in IF treatment I never once had to tell my Dr about my philosophies on discipline or give my nurses four references. If I birthed my chidlren I would never be faced with the ignorance of strangers who question the reality or legitamcy of my family.

Many people can't face those mulitiple losses and going longer than others. When is enough, enough? For us it was 16 IUIs, two Hystrosalpinograms, two endometrial biopsys, one lap. and two IVF cycles. For others it is less and for still others it is far more.

I thank God every day for my kids. I have now come to even appreciate the infertilty because without it I would not have the very unique chidlren that I was meant to have. I am the happy and proud adoptive mom of four kids now but that does not mean that infertilty was not a very trying expereince and that I dont wish I could have birthed my kids. I had far less control over the size and shape of my family than your average fertile couple has. I understand how hard it is to move on to adoption. Just facing infertiltiy entales so many losses the move to adoption for many of us entales more losses tahn we can cope with.

lisa

We too went through several fertility treatments - without success. Although in our case, insurance picked up everything. We only ended up with some very tiny co-pays for the injectibles.
Are last attemp at having a biological child was our 3rd IVF last fall. We knew going into the most drastic phase of fertility treatments that we needed to decide what we were going to do. We wanted to be parents. Since insurance was FANTASTIC - we went the cheaper route monitarliy - certainly not emotionally though. The treatments were something we "had" to do for ourselves. We didn't want to look back on our lives and ever say, "what if we had tried x, y, or z". I'm so sick and tired of people saying you wasted all that money on fertility treatments. No what we wasted really only amounted to a couple of nice dinners out! If that!

We had our game plan together on what our process would be before we started doing IVF. We knew we wanted to explore adoption and that international was the best for us if all else failed. We also knew that we were willing to go through all of the treatments ONCE - any subsequent children would be through adoption. We just really wanted to try.

About a month after we ended our treatments, we started investigating agencies and are with the best we could find (IMHO). We are currently waiting to bring home a boy and a girl from Russia. One child younger and the other a bit older.

We now know that this was God's plan for us. We are thrilled with our decision and are very excited to finally have our family.

Do I wish I could have experienced pregnancy with a positive outcome? ABSOLUTELY!!!! But, that has nothing to do with our children or how we ended up with our "babies". We do not need therapy because we wanted to try everything available to us.

We could have gone for a 4th IVF - but instead decided it was time to move on.

At the time when we were pursuing all of the treatments and the horrific shots I don't think I realized how bad it all really was. Not until I stepped back and looked at everything we had tried did I realize that I didn't wish that on my worst enemy!!! If I had a close friend facing the same fertility issues as us - I would be tempted to strongly advise her not to do it. Of course I wouldn't really say it because I know we needed to do everything to get to the wonderful place we are now in our lives.

We view our adoption not as a plan "B" or even "C" - but simply as a revised plan "A".

Every family needs to go through their own process. No one has the right to sit in judgement of what anyone else choses for themselves! Shame on those that are so blinded by their own conceit that they would dare to say such awful, rude, and hurtful things. Won't you have a RUDE awakening when you have to explain your horrible and hurtful comments when you are finally brought to be judged in the end!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good luck with that!!!

Very nice reply, I agreed with your thoughts.

"Adoption is a cure for childlessness not a cure for infertility."
What a great quote.
I am one of those couples that tried IVF multiple times. We are a middle class family that saved for the home of our dreams. After two IVF treatments, we decided that was enough and moved on to an international adoption. We have currently spent over $50k to have our family (and are getting ready to adopt again). We live in a small but beautiful house and our son lacks for nothing. He is a well loved and cared for little boy.
I do not feel I could have been the mother that I am without going through the IVF. I always would have wondered if IVF would have worked. We moved on to adoption knowing that it was truly meant to be. Some people may not feel that way, but we are all different.
As to our marriage, it was strengthened during the fertility treatments, and did in no way fall apart. I will always feel an ache for not carrying my child within me, but instead of making me insecure, it has made me a stronger person. I think we will all agree that we all are, adaoption is definitely for the faint of heart.
Goodnight Ladies.