I have found that these 2 articles really do help people understand IF more. I would attach a very short email saying "I found these to be interesting. This describes a bit of what we are going through." It helped open the uncomfortableness that some friends had in wanting to know more.

http://sharedjourney.com/articles/wisd.html

http://www.dreamababy.com/do-not-say.htm

Sharon - those articles are great - thanks for posting them - I sure wish I had seen them last year! I'm sure they will be of help to others. Hope all goes well with the homestudy!
Karen

JadedSaint,

Thanks for posting this. I wish I had these resources several years ago. I would have made several copies and handed them out. Also, blew them up and posted them in the church nursery.

As I read through, I had to laugh. After 9 years of IF, I have heard every single one of those comments. I also like that they addressed the issues of sensitivity, baby showers, and mothers day. My father once offered the advice, "Get tough! Kids are a hastle anyway." Talk about your two edged sword! (He is a great dad, and I love him dearly, but sometimes he has no clue!) Also, my mom was so sad, she would cry almost everytime I talked to her about IF. I found myself avioding talking to her about it because I didn't want her to be hurting like I was.

I know that comments are made because people either have know concept of what you are going through or because the are so hurt for you that they want to "fix" everything. But... that doesn't make it easier.

Anyway, it is a great resource, and I plan to share this with a friend who has just started the battle.

Ruthie, I am happy to hear these articles were useful. I felt so in the dark for months and when I came across them, I just sent them out in an email. Lots of love and support, and FINALLY, understanding of what I am going through came out of it. People are no longer afraid to ask me questions, OR, take into consideration of special situations.

Great articles! I wish I had them to give to family when we went through fertiliity treatments.

Most of the comments about adoption made my skin crawl:

Adoption

Say, “I know that this must have been a difficult decision for you. If there is anything I can do to help, just let me know.”
Say, “It must make you feel good to know that you will be taking care of a child who wouldn’t otherwise have a loving, nurturing home.”
Say, “How wonderful to give a child a home.”
Say, “I know you’ve wanted children for a long time. I’m so pleased that your dream will finally become a reality.”


The first one makes it sound like deciding to adopt is painful or shameful and the second two make adoption sound like an act of charity instead of a joyous way to build a family. The only one that is supportive is the last one.

Spaypets,

I can see where you are coming from, and I agree some of these are not the greatest. Although, for those of us who have been through the whole infertility drama, choosing to adopt is in a way a difficult decision. When to switch gears? That is not to say that adoption is a second rate decision, it is just that any life changing decision can be difficult to make. At first you wonder, am I doing the right thing?

Enough on that!

Why don't we come up with some ideas to replace these not so great ones.

I think when I first told my friends I wish they would have said something like...

"Hey, I know how much you want to become a parent. It is great that you have found this option to build your family."

"That is great that you have decided to adopt! Let me know how I can support you!"

Or coming ONLY from a CLOSE friend "I am so happy for you! Would you like to talk about the options that you are facing? Sometimes it helps to talk things out. Maybe we could go to the library/bookstore and I could help you research" I say this because I am an extrovert and I just sometimes need to think outloud. When I talk to my friends about all the decisions that we are facing about what type of adoption is best for us, I see their eyes start to glaze over. This is a REALLY big deal to me, and I want it to be a big deal to my friends too.