[desperate]

Hi Guys,

I am so ready for this hellish journey to be over and to finally start my family. All my friends and siblings and cousins all have children growing up and I feel we are missing it. After many years of failed infertility treatments we are thinking that enough is enough. We are out of pocket and the financial strain is becoming as bad as the emotional and physical strain.

We want to give IVF one last try -- we've decided to get consults at some of the best places in the country, and give it one last shot. But we also know that if we get a BFN at the end of all of it, it will be too much to bear. What we would really like to do is start filling out the paper work and preparing for adoption now. That way, if the BFN comes, we will at least feel happy that we are waiting for our adopted child. And if we do happen to get pregnant, great. Then we will have a bio and an adopted child.

The downsides to this are stress and cost. But the plus sides, as far as we see them, greatly outweigh the negatives. It will cement that this is indeed our last try, and it will also not leave us shattered should IVF not work out. We are ready to open our hearts to an adopted child, but my question is this:

Will the agencies see it our way? Will they allow us to do both at the same time? Does anybody have any experience with doing both at the same time?? I am worried they will deny us entry into the program until we've come to the end of our fertility treatments and have greived for a period of time. Anyone have any insight????

THANKS!

[mgmsrk]

You may have to do some looking to find the right agency since you are still going through IVF. I’m sure you can find one. Good luck on the serch.

[futuremom2b]

As far as I know MOST agencies won't allow you to move forward with adoption while under-going Infertility treatments. I know it's CRAZY, but they think you need to greive for the loss of bio kids before you have an adopted child.
That being said it takes about 3 months or so to get all the paperwork together, so at least you can be getting all the paperwork together? We adopted first so that the IVF treatments wouldn't be as stressful and at the end of the day we knew we still had our son.... I think it helped emotionally! Good luck, and I know it's so hard. Infertility SUCKS.
Adoption however is WONDERFUL, my son is so funny, and he makes us laugh every day, I can't wait for you to have that too, no matter if it's bio, or adopted!

[Kari]

We gave IVF one last try after we signed with our agency. Our agency preferred we did not try fertility treatments while going through the process, but that was not a requirement. I needed to start the adoption process so that if our last IVF try was unsuccessful, it wouldn't be as heartbreaking. Frankly, it ticks me off that so many agencies are not OK with doing both at once. They accept couples that don't even have fertility problems. I understand you should not continue once you are matched with an emom, that would be unethical. But, if we did conceive, we would pull ourselves from the book and be put on hold status. I certainly would not have minded if other couples with our agency continued treatment, it would just mean that more couples would have a happy ending, one way or the other.

We didn't need to grieve our loss before beginning our adoption journey. I think I was more emotionally stable because we pursued two journeys at one time (even though they only overlapped during the months of adoption paperwork). I, myself, did not need to grieve the loss of not having a bio child. It doesn't matter if our child looks like us. I wanted to conceive for 2 main reasons (1)to experience pregnancy (feel like a woman) and provide our child with a healthy first 9 months (2) to know that when our child is born, that he/she would be ours forever. I feel the same way about not experiencing the above now, as I did before we met our son. It certainly doesn't affect our love for him - we could not possibly love him more than we already do! He is the best thing that has ever happened to us!

I am sure you can find an agency that would be ok with you trying IVF again. I know how it feels to see family and friends building their families while you are stuck battling infertility. I wish you the best on your journey and hope you become parents real soon!

[tlk74]

When we started the China adoption process it was a big no if you were still trying to conceive. But- Since that process has gotten so long they don't care anymore. You are allowed to do an interim adoption too. That being said- I'm not sure if I strongly recommend the China program because it has gotten so long. Realistically if you were to start now you probably have four years wait in front of you.