[kristyr41982]

My hubby and I have an 18 month-old son conceived by IUI. We started trying for #2 eight months ago and this time has been a battle. We failed many IUI attempts and had already spent alot of money when we hit the IVF or adoption decision. I personally wanted to adopt. I had already done research and IVF did not sound appealing to me. My hubby on the other hand said he wanted to exhaust all of our natural biological options before going the adoption route. After pricing IVF vs. adoption, we realized IVF was cheaper. So he won that battle. Now we are going through our first IVF. I am hoping this will work so this never becomes an issue, but I really am against any more fertility treatments. I would like to adopt if this IVF cycle does not work. I really don't think he will be open to it though. How do I approach the situation if I am put into that position? I don't want to just refuse to go through anymore, because I think he would possibly resent an adopted child. I just feel like there are so many children in need of parents out there and I have already given my husband a natural born son. Anybody have any advice?

[nething4mybaby]

What a tough position you are in. I dont think anybody can help you decide what is right for you but maybe you could ask your DH to consider the physical effect that IVF has on your body. It's really tough on us and I think that unless you personally are going through it is really hard to understand. Good luck to you and I hope you are successful with your first IVF and you dont even need to have the discussion!

[curiousgirl]

Talking about these issues can be so hard. If it comes to it, you may want to think about going to a counselor who can help faciliate/mediate the conversation. DH and I did that when we were talking about doing IVF. We kept getting stuck and having the same conversation over and over again. Having a third person who was not emotionally involved and who could help interpret made all the difference. She had a lot of experience with infertility issues so really understood the issues.

[kristyr41982]

Thank you so much. I am just so fearful if it doesn't work that we are going to be in that debate. We have already went there once and I really don't want to re-visit the subject without going into counseling of some sort.

[mlb]

I understand where you are coming from Kristy. We got to that point as well. After two failed IVF cycles I was mentally done. Don would have gone for one more, but we had a big talk and I told him that emotionally I would not be able to handle another failure (which was the truth). Thankfully he was very understanding, but it did take him a couple weeks to be agreeable to adoption. I was so thankful when he can home with some agency packets that I think I cried.

[sarah16]

My DH and I also had this debate. After having our daughter we decided we would go the IUI route. Before thet he was totally against adoption or IVF. Since our IUIs failed he has since changed his mind and is ok with adoption. We figured that adoption might cost more than IVF, but it's a sure thing where IVF is not. Good luck with what you decide to do.

[Kari]

Kristy,

I hope you are successful with your first IVF cycle, so you won't need to have more discussions. However, if not, my advice to you is to truly research adoption - the ups and downs. I had an idealistic view of adoption to begin with, but once I learned more about foster care adoptions and the domestic adoption process in our area, I realized I wanted to pursue more fertility treatments first. I also think that once you go through your first IVF, your DH may have a better understanding of what you go through physically, and might be willing to have a change of heart about another attempt.

These discussions with my DH and I were more successful when we both honestly discussed the positive and negatives we see about both options.

Also, you had mentioned "there are so many kids out there that need parents" - if you are thinking about adopting older children, large sibling sets, adoption through the foster care system, children with severe medical needs, or possibly international, that may be the case. My DH and I wanted to adopt a child of any race or gender 4 years old or younger or a sibling set of 2 and we were told that was very unlikely to ever happen for us. I know of so many couples who wait for years to adopt children - the wait is long because there are many couples like us waiting in line. I would suggest reading this forum's sister site - General Adoptive Parent Support - Adoption.com Forums

I wish you the best of luck. Try to keep open lines of communication with you and your DH.

[futuremom2b]

Kristy ~ I hate to say it because age is such a big factor but your signature says you are 26 and that is still young IF BY CHANCE the IVF fails your stats are stilll good to do IVF again untill 35-36, so if you decide to adopt and still want to try later you have that option.
When we are going through infertility and have that want for another child, we feel like it has to be now and when I look at your age, I'm just happy that you still have some time to build your family (because it sounds like what you want to do). As I reach 34 (In March) and still have that want to build my family and that ache in my heart age is starting to creep up, I hate that DARN TIME CLOCK!
I hope that this cycle works for you. IVF is expensive and it is really hard on your body, and it doesn't mean a child at the end. Adoption is tough (there is a TON of paperwork and lots of waiting), but there is a child at the end of it!
Good luck on building your family!

[Mom2MandyandTristan]

I think adoption is a wonderful thing and hopeful dh is on board after this cycle. However with your age I think this cycle could be it for you so hopefully this will be the end of this battle. However have you thought of fostering first to see how dh will handle being around a child biologically his? This is an avenue hubby and I are researching since my age my soon play a bigger role in having more kids.

[Nightengale]

You all bring up some good points.

I'm new here and adoption has always been my first choice. I know almost nothing about either adoption or AI, so I came here to see what my options are.

I've spent a little time on the Adoption.com forums and one thing I've seen is references to failed adoptions. I've also seen other comments like the one above about IVF being no guarantee of bringing a child home while with adoption you can reasonably expect to bring a child home.

The two statements just don't jell. To me, the first statement would seem to be more true. So which is it? I know neither way is absolutely 100%. But statistically speaking, what are the chances of a failed adoption? What are some of the common causes of failed adoptions and is there a way to reduce that risk?

I've also heard references to how expensive adoption is. Surely there's a moderately-priced avenue to adoption. Isn't there???

Michelle

[kirstyloo]

I have known 9 people that went through the process of adoption. 2 tried domestic adoption, 1 tried a domestic adoption but switched to an international adoption, and 6 did international adoptions (China, China, Korea, & Guatemala). One of the two domestic adoptions went through on the first try; however, in the other case, the birth mother changed her mind after the baby was born. They haven't attempted to try again after the lost their child. Another friend started with domestic adoption; however, they were concerned about the health conditions of the infants that they were offered. It was horrible to turn down a child because it was born at 24 weeks or had drug withdraw problems. They ultimately were successful with international adoption. Of the 4 friends who started out with international adoption, 2 have been successful while 2 have been caught in legal tape. In the last two instances, the couple spent years waiting for their child and invested significant emotional and financial resources; however, the adoptions were stopped mid-process.


Interestingly, my friends who were more successful went through adoption between 1995 - 2003. Only one has been successful since then. International adoption appears to be getting harder. It would be nice if some organization would keep track of the information so that we could access it to help us make a choice.


I'm adopted so I did bring it up with my DH when we had troubles TTC; however, he wasn't very keen on it. I didn't push it because I've had three people close to me loose a child that THEY HAD MET either in person or by picture because someone changed their mind or a policy changed. I've had two different RE make the crack about the risks associated with IVF and that there is always being a baby at the end of the adoption. Each time, I've quickly corrected them. There is always a baby; however, there is very real risk that the baby won't come home with you. In both cases, they looked shocked and squirmed.

[WannBaby]

Hey Kari,
You say in your post that you were told you'd have a long wait for siblings, 4yr old or younger, etc... but I see in your signature that you started your adoption classes in Jan 08 and had a newborn-baby boy from a domestic adoption within a year. How is it that it changed and went so quickly and easily... not much of a wait... and a newborn!. Please help, I'm so interested in finding out what type of agency you went through. My husband and I are considering adoption.
Thanks, WannBaby