[Soki]

The decision to live life without children may be an easy decision for some couples. But for couples who have struggled with infertility, being childless can be more an admission of defeat than a happy acceptance. Though in technical definition, Childless and Childfree may mean the same thing, it is the attitude associated with them that makes the difference. The change from one perspective to the other is by no means easy or quick; however, to truly accept that you will never be a parent, that change can mean the world



Childless is usually how people who have been trying to have children define themselves. The word implies that something is missing, that there should be something more. It is only a hint of the great efforts that couples have gone through to bring a child into their lives. Through all the tests, all the questions, all the medications and personal invasion, CHILDLESS is a signpost on the road of unsuccessful fertility treatments.



Childfree, however, is a choice. It is celebrating the fact that you and your companion can travel to far off lands and late night movies on a whim. It is, possibly for the first time, celebrating that monthly reminder that you are not pregnant. It is diving into your career. It is also, the ability to once again celebrate children; being truly happy for the big bellies of all your girlfriends, weeping joyful tears at a baptism or first birthday party, being delighted to be called a godmother, an aunt without any pangs of jealousy.



The transition is by no means easy or to be considered lightly. To decide to be childfree is to forgo the thermometer by your bed, to count on your period every month, to turn that college fund into a vacation fund, fully convert the second bedroom into a study and be happy about it. Communication between partners during this transition is vital. Already there may be strain in your marriage resulting from all the heart ache of unmet goals of fertility treatments. Living childfree cannot be the decision of half the team. Both need to embrace the concept for it to truly take hold. Too many times it has been said “My partner has given up on trying to have children, so I will resign myself to living without them.” In this battle of semantics, that attitude is still childlessness. Often, though, it is a necessary step towards being childfree. To realize that there will be no more treatments is the beginning of the path.



In the book “Sweet Grapes” a couple recounts their journey towards living childfree. The wife is even an obstetrician! She had a very hard battle with the feelings of jealousy when examining those big pregnant bellies and only felt defeat when delivering into the arms of their eager mother. Eventually though, she was able to cry happy tears with those women in the delivery room. She said the biggest step for her and her husband was buying contraceptives for a romantic get away. To them, it was showing Mother Nature that they were in the pilot seat again and would foil any attempts to get them pregnant when they weren’t trying.



I would love to hear the experiences of those who have either successfully traveled down the road to childfree living or the concerns of those who are only peeking down the path at this point.

[Lizzieliz]

Hi Soki,

My husband and I are not at that point yet, but we have always said that if the time comes when we have exhausted all possibilities we feel comfortable with attempting, we will accept being childless.

We have been married for 12 years and have both forged very satisfying careers and we would continue to enjoy life.

The loss of one dream does not mean the rest of my life is meaningless.

We have been blessed with a best friend who has volunteered to give us her eggs and so, while we weren't comfortable with donor eggs in general, we are very much so with her--because we know her to be a smart, beautiful, healthy, excellent human being.

If after exhausting this option and it doesn't work, we will accept our lives as it is. It is important to me to really explore those options so if we get to that point, there will be no regrets.

-Lizzie