[Anni]

My husband and I will be married 2 years next month. Due to our age and medical history (my mother having survived ovarian cancer, me already having 4 ovarian cyst and having survived anorexia coupled with my husband having had testicular cancer) we decided to start trying to get pregnant on our wedding night. We trucked along for 22 months with no avail. During the course of the past 3 months we were also twice approached to adopt with no cost to us only to have the both mother's to change their minds. That led us to get to the bottom of our own infertility. We found out last week that we can't have children. My husband's cancer and his chemotherapy treatments have left him with a zero sperm count. The doctor's have sent for his medical records and they will repeat the count in 2 weeks but said it was not hopeful.

I know that without the treatment for his type of cancer he would have died. If he had died, I wouldn't have him to love today. With that being said.....that is why I am so angry. I am devestated. I won't feel a child kick inside my womb. I have had to greive every month, then through the two failed adoptions, and now this. I don't know how much more I can take. And that's just it - ME. My husband should be there for support and strength as we go through this together. He's no were on my level. He just says "Oh well. Something will happen if it's meant to be. I've had this in the back of my mind for the 19 years since my cancer." I have had the news for one week. I ask him for help and support and he just said that he wasn't going to sit their and hold me for the next 365 days until I got over it. I am tired of everyone telling me that it is OK. No one knows what you feel unless they go through it. I was disillusioned to think that on some level at least my husband could be a source of support. The more alone I feel the worse this weighs on my spirit. I know God won't give us things that we can't handle. But I wish he didn't think I was this strong - I may not break, but I am bending in to. Has anyone gone through something like this - the lack of support from a spouse?

[G-LO]

I am so sorry for what you are going through but maybe your husband is acting like this because he feels it is his fault he cant give you a baby even though its not. You will be in my prayers

[Soki]

Anni- I'm glad you found these boards, but sad that you had a reason to. Men are such different creatures when it comes to these issues. There is another good thread in the Relationships area about just that. He hasn't ever looked at a pregnant tummy and wished it was him,and like he said he's had 19 years to deal with this possibility- the two of you are on entirely diferent planes of perspective. Hopefully he can manifest some form of support, even if it isn't understanding.

You can come here and lament for 365 days if you want to Is adoption still an option for you? I understand that it would be such a huge leap for your already ragged heart to risk another failed match.


(((((((hugs)))))))

[Anni]

Thank you so very much to the two who have responded. I am glad I found this board also - I now don't feel so alone. Soki you asked if adoption was still a possibility. The answer is a resounding yes. Hopefully we would be blessed to have one fall in our laps like the other two did - if not, it will be some time to raise the money in order to do so. Maybe that time is needed also to help mend the hurt I feel. I am scared to put my heart back out to be vulnerable, but I also know that if I don't I will never feel the joy of motherhood. I am a person of strong faith and I also feel guilty for getting angry at the two failed adoptions. I prayed and prayed over them and it seemed like God was sending us a miricle only to have them unrealized. My husband thinks I read to much into things, but I have a sensitive heart and I can't help but do so. That was one of the reasons he said he feel in love with me.

I am glad I have another weekend to process and cope. One week into trying to deal and my husband chooses to go away and scout hunting land. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I can cry, get it out, and he won't be their to tell me to "look at the brighter side of life."

Thanks again for all the encouragement and understanding.

[Soki]

As far as getting going with adoption, do you have a current homestudy? I know of many people who have only put money out in small amounts for independant adoptions-- homestudy fees, small websites or hopeful parent registries to "show" their profile for as long as it takes (most are small monthly fees) then attorney fees once there is finally a match. I believe that would be a good route for you so you can passively seek out an adoption.

Looking at the brighter side is great.... in theory It's just too hard, sometimes to dismiss the What if's and Why's to see the big picture. It is important to trust that God has a plan for you, if only he'd give us clues though!

[ANNWILL]

I also have been in the same boat- I can't have any children of my own. My husband was the same way. I wouldn't go to his families functions and kept blaming me. He just didn't understand what I was going through. But as we sat down and talked, we told me he's going through this in another way. We, unfortunately cannot afford to adopt, so we are fostering a little girl. We got her when she was 3 months old (she was abused at 5 weeks old) and she is now 2-1/2. Tomorrow we will find out if she goes back to her mother of whom let her boyfriend hurt this child go back.

I also don't know what to do. This little girl brings so much joy to my life. She is what I've always wanted for 13 years. But I cannot this negative, I must be postive. I believe God will give her to us. We are all she knows.

Please help me

[Anni]

To ANNWILL I appreciate your entry. I hate to hear that you understand so well what I am feeling, but am comforted that I am not alone. We also want to adopt but can't at this point due to finances. I completely understand. I think it is great that you had the opportunity to be a foster parent. I know that you must be worried for the welfair of the child and also saddened that after having her in your home for over two years she could be taken from you. I wish that I could help you, but I don't know what to say other than I will be praying for you. I have found myself having to pray a lot for the courage and strength to accept God's will for my husband and my life versus what I want. It is not easy to do. Please let me know the outcome - if she has to return to her birth mother.

[pea06]

Anni-

I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time and DH doesn't seem to understand...I think it's not just him, It's just the way men are made.
We-women- are raised to be mothers. We have baby dolls and feed them bottles. I remember talking about how many kids I would have and what I would name them back in the 3rd grade. Boys don't grow up this way. So I truely believe it's not that they don't care or grieve, but they show it in different ways. My husband and I have had this talk many a times

I am currently readying the book called "Hannah's Hope", a book about infertility, failed adoption and miscarriage. If you have not read it, I recommend it. It is from a Christian perspective. But it has a few chapters on how men deal with infertility differently than women. I found it somewhat enlightening.

Blessings to you,
Heather

[Anni]

I appreciate the encouragement and also the book recomendation. I will definately check it out.

I feel like I can't get my footing under me before another crisis occurs. I received a phone call last week from my doctor to schedule a biopsy which took place Friday. It appears that while I was undergoing some of my infertility test, that they found stage 2 (out of 3) precancerous cercival cancer cells. The biopsy will hopefully tell how agressive the cells are growing and what treatment to persue. I know that it was a blessing that we started testing when we did because I would not have known about this potential life threatening cancer. However, grateful as I am to God, I still feel loss and now fear. This entire ordeal has turned into my worse nightmare.

[Anni]

I just received a call from my doctor's office with my biopsy report. I don't know if the initial test was bad or if it was due to all the prayers that have been sent my way over the last few days, but the results came back normal. Everything will be OK with this ordeal. I have a lot to be thankful for and a prayer of gratitude is definitely going up to heaven. Thanks.

[pea06]

Anni-
Great News for you!

And good luck with whatever avenue you take to parenthood.

[The Foxx]

I just stumbled across your thread and wanted to say I'm glad you are ok and I'm sorry for what you have been through. My husband was diagnosed with an incredibly low sperm count and then, months and months into our treatment, my FsH shot up. We were crushed. We have less than a 1% chance of having a biological child utilizing IVF. We had the option of egg donor or adoption. Obviously we have chosen adoption.


The one thing that helped us through this was an infertility psychologist. She was a Gd send! She was able to talk us through all of our options and helped us mourn the loss of our dreams of biological children.

I wish you well and I wish you peace.

Julie

[Joni2]

Anni-- I'm so glad everything's ok with your biopsy

Is it possible that your husband is grieving in his own way? Different people deal with loss differently. Many people (men) withdrawal after a loss, minimize it or focus on other activities. That's really hard for those of us who want to process things!

It took me a long time to understand that my husband couldn't be everything to me, and I couldn't be everything to him, as much as I might wish to.

You need people who will help you and support you through this time. Forums like this are great. Some hospitals/communities also have infertility support groups, or general women's support groups. I found having someone in the same situation to talk to was a big help! I also got a referral to a therapist for a few sessions, which really helped me talk things out. (And wasn't expensive.)

I have a friend who says "Remember, God's plan for you is more wonderful than your plan for yourself." I think that's true in your case!

Let us know how you're doing!