[Gemmabean]

Janet,

Thank you for your post, it means a lot. And it's just so nice to know one is not alone.

Love,
Julie

[w8ing4flite]

Hello, Janet :0)

I'm in quite the emotional pit these days. My mind - I have been told - is engaged entirely too much. I get the usual "You think too much" crap after I go into deep discussions about not having children. I just wanted to know, what do you do to cope? I've tried it all: moving, hobbies, meditation, diversion, reading - none of it has helped the pain subside. I truly want nothing more than a distraction of worldly proportions, I think. I feel like my mind is quicksand and my heart keeps sinking into it. I think about the fact that maybe I'm just not good enough for anyone to have my name continue on after I die. It's SO hard for me to see all these people with their children - laughing and holding them despite hard times that they may have had. I feel like people are looking at me with pity and no matter what I accompish in life, no one will think I amount to much unless I've "proven" that I am worthy of offspring. I won't ever get to have that moment where all time stops because I'm looking at the infant version of myself. Despite all the compliments I get from my fiancee, my parents, even the looks from my dogs...I just don't know how to fill the empty space of not "fitting in" to society. I wish I was stronger and maybe the fact that I'm still doing all of those things that I listed above means that I am, but I really don't feel so amazing these days. Do you have any advice? Thanks for reading...

~ j*

[ladybuglover]

Gemmabean,
I am right there with you. My husband and I have been married for 16 years and have tried the entire length of our marriage to get pregnant. I ALWAYS knew I wanted kids and this intense maternal yearning just won't go away. Last week after 16 years of trying, I finally convinced him to get tested. I had lost 169 pounds in the last year and still not conceived.
We never dreamed it would be him. He was found to have azoospermia-absolutely 0 sperm! !!! We were blown away. I told him last night and he is heartbroken. I cannot afford the treatments either! IVF is definitely out of our reach, as is adoption. Now he asks, "What are we going to say when people continue to ask us, 'when are you guys gonna have that baby?'"

What do you say to that? I am also praying for a miracle...

[mlb]

I completely understand where you are coming from. We kept our IF from everyone but my immediate family (my husband's family is generally not supportive and entirely too talkative) so we heard the baby question all the time without them even realizing the pain they were causing. The pain was horrible, especially after we found out it was my husband AND me who had fertility issues. I stayed away from all baby related events and do not regret it to this day. I wasn't emotionally ready to see it and I did what I had to do to stay sane. Sometimes it was all I could do to go to work and function. Yes, we have since adopted and I love my family, but it takes a lot of time to work through the IF, and I still have my moments. Feel what you feel and know that it's ok to feel that way. Also don't feel bad for saying that you don't want to talk about it when the subject comes up. True friends will understand.
You both mentioned not having the money for adoption, what about adoption through foster care? Babies are possible, though it is true that many are over the age of three. Our friends did it and their son's adoption cost $500 total.
We are all here for you, and my prayers are with you.

[charltac]

I don't usually get that question due to the fact that I am single, but i have asked myself without much of answer. It's definitely the most painful thing I have gone through and I know that doing this on my own that i have limits, be it financial or emotional. They say that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but I have to wonder where he gets this kind of faith in me, because i truly don't know how much more i can take.

I think all of us deserve a big hug and round of applause. This process takes a lot of courage and strength, most of which we didn't even know we had. I am so grateful for this forum.

[Nightengale]

Originally Posted by charltac

They say that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but I have to wonder where he gets this kind of faith in me...

Charltac,

What a great line! I don't mean to diminish what you're going through. (What we're all going through!) But I think you've unwittingly hit upon such a profound truth.

I, too, wonder often why He loves me, why He hasn't left me yet, etc. And yes, where He gets His faith in me. I find it just staggering.

Pondering...

Michelle

[Hopefulmommy09]

I too couldn't think of not having children. That is what lead me to adoption. Just to let everyone know there is adoption from foster care which is free! It is little cost to the parent and in some cases you get a stipend each month.

You can adopt children of all ages. Just an option for some of you out there.

[Gemmabean]

I was surprised to see this thread revived. And obviously, I never could and still can't imagine my life without children, not being a mom. I've been a mom as long as I can remember.

This is me holding my little sister in 1971, that's how long I've been waiting to be a mom

I know I'm ment to be someone's mom, I just neet to fine him or her, and I'm not giving up! So there!!

I guess what I want to say is don't ever give up. I kept waiting for my heart to tell me it was time to give up, and it still hasn't. I suppose it's a bit like love, you know in your heart when you meet the right person.

Love and hugs to all,
Julie

[ladybuglover]

I have been so busy working three jobs, I haven't had time to get on. I have been reading the replies and I have a renewed faith in me and in Him who gives me strength! I talked with my GYN about things and he agreed to do ICI for me without a fertility clinic for no charge. He is an awesome man! He has been with me through this entire ordeal. I can't afford to order from the cryobank until Jan. and my first US is in Nov.
Please keep me in your prayers. I feel like I am running out of time. Doc tells me I have plenty of time left...who knows? just Him, I guess!

Looking up

[cherryberry]

I've been ttc for six years and in the last year, I have'nt even mentioned it to my family that I'm going for treatment. We can't afforde IVF anymore either so i'm doing IuI - currently a tweeker and struggling because if I'm not pregnant, my DH says we'll have to stop - we have to, for practical reasons live apart when I get tx so he feels e've got to invest the energy and funds in each other. We are also trying to adopt and have been for nearlt three years, I have no answers for you only to say that i understand what you're feeling and I'm not near ready to stop trying for a bio baby. You are braver than I am, at least you are considering it. I push the idea as far away as possible.

[PamelaJeanne]

There is no "one-size-fits-all" or simple how-to guide to move beyond infertility and make a life without children -- mainly because our emotions are unpredictable and the trigger points reminding us of what might have been lie all around us. It took me five years to process the emotions, much like the five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Since I could find no book that helped me to address what I was going through, I made the decision to write about one woman's journey. What resulted was a book called Silent Sorority. Here's hoping we all find find peace and strength after such a painful, sometimes unspeakably difficult journey.

Best regards, Pamela Tsigdinos
Silent Sorority
Coming2Terms

[Vin89]

Pamela,

I came across your blog a while ago through stirrup queens' s blog. I just wanted say that your thoughts and writings are very articulate and to the point to say the least. Your blog is very informative and you are inspiring to women like me who are struggling to find out where this IF journey is going to lead and/or end....

so thank you and good luck with the book!
Vinita

[arucker]

I personally can't see myself living without children either. Everytime I think about it I get very sad. That is why we are adopting also. If I can't get PG with my own bio baby, I'd rather adopt someone else's instead of being childless. I just love children. My husband on the other hand would be perfectly content on being childless. He has a DD who is 22 now and he has not had a real father/daughter relationship with her because of her mother. I keep trying to tell him this will be different. The child will be with living with us and loving us like we will love him/her. I think he is getting better about it now. He is/was especially skeptical about adoption. He knows how much I want kids so he is being supportive about the whole thing. I have a few relatives that are childless and are perfectly happy with it. Everyone is different. I am determined and won't ever give up whether its now ttc naturally or adopting. I may be 60 by the time I'm a mother, but at least I'll be one.

[Frisarvz]

Of course, life will be incomplete if we wouldn't have any kids at all... That what was parenting and being a mother / father is all about....

[PamelaJeanne]

Originally Posted by Vin89

Pamela,

I came across your blog a while ago through stirrup queens' s blog. I just wanted say that your thoughts and writings are very articulate and to the point to say the least. Your blog is very informative and you are inspiring to women like me who are struggling to find out where this IF journey is going to lead and/or end....

so thank you and good luck with the book!
Vinita

Thanks, Vinita. Resolutions differs for all of us but being supportive and kind -- regardless of the paths we take -- is what it's all about.