[rainysparadigm]

Given the fact Ive had 4 miscarriages with no successes, I'm coming to terms with the fact I may wind up adopting. While I did want my own - of course - I do feel adoption is something I could do, emotionally. I have a rather blended family growing up and even now and I know that you can love someone to the fullest extent even if they arent the same biologically.

I am 24 so I KNOW I'm not in quite the right situation to adopt, but I do want to work toward that as a goal.

So basically what I really want to do is speak to people that have adopted, to find out things like:

1. What sort of things do they check?
2. What does the home interviews consistent of?
3. At what point financially do they even look at you as a potential adoptive parent?

Anything along those lines would be greatly useful. I would appreciate knowing things I can do to prepare for an adoption so that in a few years I can begin to the process.

Thanks so much

[mlb]

I am so sorry about your miscarriages. I adopted my first son in 2000 and my second son this past summer. My husband and I decided to adopt after two failed IVFs and I can tell you, I don't feel short changed at all. Yes, I would have loved to have carried my sons in my belly but if I did, they wouldn't be who they are. Ok, I'm off the soapbox now.

1. What sort of things do they check?
Any past record, we adopted from Kazakhstan so they didn't want anyone to have been on meds for depression, medically ok to parent
2. What does the home interviews consistent of? They wanted to make sure that we could financially support a child and had room for one in our home. For our first son we were renters, our second - homeowners. How would we discipline and our relaionships with our family. Who would watch our child while we worked? The homestudy visit is really a time for you to ask any questions that you may have. Blending families, when to give info to family and child, etc.
3. At what point financially do they even look at you as a potential adoptive parent? You do need to provide them with your full financial information, including all assets, liabilities, salaries, etc. We were never given a $ amount that we had to have in order to adopt.

Good luck!
Michelle
mother to Zachary and Alex

[Dakotabluebaby]

I am also 24 so I know some what your going through....I have not been able to get pregnant so no miscarriages...but I have to admit there is something different when I talk to people about the idea adoption when you are as young as we are.
I did want to mention that foster care/ adoption is an affordable option although emotionally even more draining (although many didn't think that was possible) Than straight adoption. This is the road my husband and I are going to be on soon...we are in the middle of paperwork and classes start in late january, while we are also looking into additional infertility medications.
I'm here if you need me. You are not alone (I think I need to hear that more than most)

[rainysparadigm]

Thanks so much for the responses. This is a better forum than most infertility ones I've lurked about. The people here have been so nice even after one day, and I already have more information. Useful information. It's also great to see people that have found pathes to their goals instead of just given up and sit around being miserable. Which I find in alot of infertility groups. I dont want to give up.

MLB:

Thanks for the info, that has helped put my mind to ease a little and also gave me ideas of things to think about before we adopt. I guess adoption just seems overwhelming and it's great when someone puts it in simple terms. I know also that failed pregnancies can cause bad days of feeling inadequate, etc and that makes adoption feel even more unattainable.

Outside of the infertility issue we are both medically and psychologically sound. We are both in the IT field at the moment but studying to become registered nurses (pediatrics for me, no doubt) which appears to be a lucrative enough field.

It was also nice to know that you adopted while renting, though I do plan to purchase a home it's still a ways off before we do that. Especially with the market in my city right now, it's pretty brutal.

One thing I do have a question about, what did they want to know about relationship with family? The reason I ask is because both my fiance and I have rather difficult parents. Theyre not bad parents by any means, just very difficult and may or may not be entirely supportive to adoption, etc. I may be able to convince mine into it, but I can honestly say his parents will be very upset and probably never come around to it. However, I'm very close to several of my siblings, and he is very close to most of his cousins. We also have a strong network of friends who are more than supportive of adoption. How many people have a half dozen female friends offer to even surrogate We do have alot to offer to a child in the way of supportive people but just differently than some people do I suppose.

Another concern is religion - I dont believe they can legal ask about it, can they? I'm not ashamed of either of our beliefs, but I know that people can be judgemental even if its off the record. I'm Pagan by belief and he is Muslim by birth though neither of us are overly involved in either. No chanting from me, no five daily prayers from him. I guess I'm just worried how much that would unofficially effect us.

It's funny that when you begin to consider adoption you see the ways that you are different than what might be considered the "ideal" family. I know for a fact we would be good parents.

Out of curiousity, what did you guys decide about when to tell the children theyre adopted, and how to handle it?

I'll stop with the questions. Thanks for patience

Dakota:

Yey - someone my age! I do get alot of the "you have plenty of time" and "you're too young to worry about these things". But it's at this age when the desire to have a family starts. Most people that say not to worry already either have kids, or dont want them, I've discovered in my own experiences at least. That line of thought is also how people wake up one day and realize that it's too late. Anyway the more you try the more desperate you become and it's hard to not let it consume you. I'd like to adopt but foster to adoption sounds like a good plan as well. I've thought of fostering on a temporary basis, but I dont think I could do that right now. Im not sure I could willingly give the child back.

Thanks again everyone and anymore feedback is always welcome

<3

//R

[mlb]

They just asked us what religion we were, no more than that. They also wanted to know how often we got together with our family, and asked about our friends as well.
Out of curiousity, what did you guys decide about when to tell the children theyre adopted, and how to handle it? We have aslo talked about how our sons were adopted (with them). Each son has his story that we tell them (at bed time mostly). It is a simple story that talks about mommies and daddies, going to Kaz, seeing and falling in love with him, going to court for the adoption and coming home as a family. We light candles at holidays for their birthparents and talk about them (the car is a GREAT place for adoption conversation). They don't know all of their information, but will learn more as they get older and can handle the information.
Any questions you have feel free to ask, I can always talk about my boys
Michelle

[sarah16]

I am also looking at adoption right now! Good luck with your search!

[mittons]

MLB, Thank you for the heads up. The homestudy does not sound as intimidating as I once thought.

As far as adoption and how costly it seems to be...It may help some of you try to think of the money that you are about to spend on a child is basically a car that only lasts 10 years if you are lucky. We will be starting this process in about a year and I am so excited! I am just trying to tell myself that no matter how long the wait is that I should just enjoy it because being that this will be my last child after I get him/her I will not have any more babies to look forward to having.

I am interested to hear every body's progress in the near future.