[cbrink7]

Hi everyone,

I am new to this board, but I have been reading, and you all see to be so supportive of one another. I hope that you all can offer me some advice...

To sum up a long and painful story, we lost our sweet boys in January at 20 weeks. The pain and emptiness has been indescribible. I have also been through a lot physically due to some mistakes and oversites of the resident that delievered my boys. To say the least it has been a very trying time emotinally and physically.

After 5 years of TTC (2 trying, 3 not not trying) my husband and I did IVF with ICSI to concieve our precious boys. Our "plan" was to try IVf one time and no matter the outcome we would adopt future children (something we both have wanted to do, esp. me!) The outcome of this pregnancy was not even on our radar at the time, so I know things change. Well now we are talking about having another baby in a few months. We both feel that right now is not the time, but maybe in a few months we will be ready to start.

The issue is that my husband has now said that he wants to do IVF again, while my heart is really set on adopting. I just really do not feel that it is in my heart to do another fresh cycle of IVF or pregnancy again. The pregnancy would be a very hard and highrisk one that would include a surgery and bedrest for the majority of it. I truely feel that in my heart adoption is where I want to go.

I know that adoption is not at all an easy process, and there are risks of loss there as well. But honestly physically and emotionally I know that that is where I am suppose to go. It has always been such a dream of mine. I do not want to subcomb to his wants if they do not feel right for me, or if my heart is not in it, as I do not want him to do that for me. But where do we go from there?

I also know that I am still grieving, and my mind my change (that is why we are waiting, but I think it is VERY unlikely that it would change by my own doing). It really causes some disagreements. He says he feels bad asking me to do IVF again becasue of everything we-emtionally (I-physically) went through, then why is he?

I would just love some advice from you all, esp. if you have been through this before!

Thank you all so much!

[hopenpray]

First I want to say how sorry I am for your loss. I can't even imagine the sorrow that you and your DH are feeling - not mention the physical trama you have been through. Your family will be in my prayers.

It can be challenging when you both are in different places. Making the decision to pursue adoption instead of continuing IVF would be difficult. I can only partially understand - we have not come to that bridge in our journey yet. I think you are wise to wait a few months before making any decisions. I think the pain of losing your sons is too fresh still. Only you can decide what you are willing to do - and in marriages I believe that with major decisions the 'no' has to be the final word.

Lots of hugs to you and I hope that you find the support here you need. You might want to try search the adoption and IVF forums to see how others handled this decision.

[BabySteps]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss and the pain that you are experiencing. Have you considered using a surrogate mother? Maybe your DH wants to try another ivf cycle because it is important to him to have a biological child? It would be much safer for you because you will not have to endure the pregnancy. I wish you the best!

[cbrink7]

Thank you for that advice.

Well some good news. My husband surprised me last night with a dinner out and the news that he is now 100% committed to adoption. He has been working out is feelings of not doing IVF, and he has come to terms with the possibilty that we may never be ready to do it again. He now says that he is excited about it and he knows he will love any child that is placed into our arms. I just completed that process before him.

So we are going to get in touch with the agency tomorrow and start the process! I am so happy that I actually feel like there is hope now, something that I have not had in almost 4 months.

[hopenpray]

Sounds like you are married to a wonderful man. I think that sometimes IF has us all so tied in knots and heartbreak that it just takes time to sort out our emotions. I am so excited for you both! Please let me know how the adoption process is going.

[Summer70]

Originally Posted by BabySteps

I am so sorry to hear of your loss and the pain that you are experiencing. Have you considered using a surrogate mother? Maybe your DH wants to try another ivf cycle because it is important to him to have a biological child? It would be much safer for you because you will not have to endure the pregnancy. I wish you the best!

You are an inspiration. I have had fertility challenges for a few years now. I am 38 and feel like my clock and ovaries are ticking!
I am very happy for you.>>Congratulations on your triplets

[mlb]

I am so happy that you are both ready to move forward with adoption. It is such a wonderful journey and I wish you the best.